


Remissio, To Forgive

by CandyBambi



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Chefs, Anal Sex, Angst, Baking, Broken Dreams, Character Development, Drama, Drunken Flirting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enthusiastic Consent, Eventual Smut, Flirting, Fluff, Forgiveness, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sex, Gentle Kissing, Gentleness, Growing Up, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Plot Twists, Protective Victor Nikiforov, Protective Yuri Plisetsky, Regret, Relationship(s), Romance, Sick Victor Nikiforov, Slow Romance, Smut, Stress Baking, Sweet, Tenderness, Yuri Plisetsky Swears, Yuri Plisetsky is related to Victor Nikiforov, Yuri Plisetsky secretly cares, long ass smut chapter, unexpected tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:01:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 64,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9229766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandyBambi/pseuds/CandyBambi
Summary: With his sister's accident, Yuuri turned his back on his only chance to make his dreams a reality. Instead, he settles as a pastry chef and opens his own small shop for others to enjoy.On a day of rain, Yuuri delivers some baked goods to a startling rich mansion and somehow ends up having tea with the famous Victor Nikiforov before he loses his nerves.Victor, whom can no longer walk, decides Yuuri would be perfect to keep him company.These growing feelings come with the addition of lies, and Victor worries what comes next when their relationship blooms to something deeper.





	1. Eligite

**Author's Note:**

> After discovering Yuri on Ice, I needed to do this. I had a lot of fun writing this and have a lot of plans with this newfound passion and love i have for this fandom! Seriously though, I haven't written fanfiction in MONTHS, my heart begged to write again and I have found my new inspiration: Yuri!! On Ice! This fandom is so beautiful I can not contain my passion for this pairing and have resorted to fanfiction to cure my need to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's song for this fic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQ6Kok-8re4
> 
> Victor's song for this fic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBmlbzW1-yc

_ “Yuuri...Vichan is…” _

_ The thunder grew in mass with rain following as its shadow, growing heavier with each word that was choked out. _

_ “ There was nothing to save left…” _

_ The water drops grew in weight and numbers, drowning all sound and visibility of Yuuri’s existence in that moment. _

_ “Yuuri...This is selfish for me to ask… I know...” _

_ Eyes burned from the assault of rain hitting his face. All he could do was allow his sight to drown in the weather and listen to his mother’s trembling voice over his cell, his face twisted in pain. _

_ “But your sister is dying… So please… Come back.” _

* * *

The room had vanilla as the prominent fragrance, with chocolate, cinnamon, sugar, and, candied fruits that shared the warm air that filled the space of the kitchen. 

 

Yuuri carefully lifted his baked Granny Smith apples from the oven to his workspace; the counter. For a moment he paused to enjoy the soft scent of lemon soaked apples, a simple yet tasteful confectionary delight. Once he was content with the fresh coat of citrus, he began to take spoonfuls of filling he made to the request of his patron; dried strawberries, cherries, almonds, and, honey; a classic mixture that would give any lover of sweets pleasure with humble taste of apples.

 

Once each apple’s core was filled, he turned his attention to his prepared cake, making use of the cooling time for his apples as a way of being productive. A baker’s life wasn’t always abundant in time; every minute was precious, at least to Yuri anyway. The cake was ready for decoration with its plain golden colour. Yuri turned his attention to icing, a special mixture to mimic a mirror with a special touch of honey and maple syrup.

 

Grabbing the larger cup of mirror icing, he evenly distributed the ice blue colour before quickly adding some white icing to create the illusion of reflective ice. Once all of icing stopped dripping off the cake, Yuuri was able to create a crescent path of raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, mango, and kiwis to create a natural aesthetic appearance to balance the whole piece. 

 

While the cake was a beautiful composition of art to behold, it made his heart ache for what a clean sheet of ice meant to him. A dream he chose to turn his back on before he could start it. Unpopular as it may be, it was a cradled aspiration he worked for. Although he felt deprived of his aspirations, he knew his decision was correct. His sister Mari was alive as a result of his choices. Yuri smiled, the cake was still magnificent despite his bittersweet feelings towards the current position of his life.

 

Yuuri called for his phone’s AI to banish the silence he had grown bored of the lack of voices and noise; he needed music to take the edge off the loneliness of a slow work day, something to distract him.

 

The deep song broke Yuri out of his thoughts by hitting him with a wave of unwarranted melancholy. This song yearned for a soulmate, what it’s like to be surrounded by couples who are in love and be left loveless. It was masochistic for Yuuri to listen to this song, it carried a heavy reminder but at the same time was too precious to let go of.

 

A sharp ringing halted the song and Yuuri sloppily washed and dried his hands before picking up his phone to answer his sudden caller. “Good afternoon, Minami. Are you feeling better?” he asked, aware the poor kid was sick with the flu. He felt bad for the teenager since his exams were nearing.

 

With a cracked voice, Minami mumbled “I’m afraid not… Sorry Mr. Katsuki...” his time was weak and muffled, hacking coughs followed in heavy heaves.

 

Yuuri found himself shaking his head in worry and began to assure his hard working part time student “Minami, it’s really okay. You’re still in high school so I don’t expect you to work a lot. Take tomorrow off if you still feel ill.” he reminded. 

 

“Will you really be okay? It’s raining out there pretty badly...” Minami trailed off, still guilty and unsure about taking a day of rest.

 

Turning to his front display window, he pulled open his blinds completely to scan the weather and agreed that it was definitely one of the harder storms of the season based on the soft rumbles and dark shades the clouds carried. “It’s just one address today, so I doubt I’ll be in any trouble. It’s day time at 3pm, the traffic won’t be as bad, and not a lot of people will be outside due to the weather. It’ll be a calm and quick delivery.

 

Assured by Yuuri’s words, Minami found himself able to say goodbye and finally hung up. Yuuri appreciated Minami’s hardworking attitude, but it would have helped if he placed that determination more on his studies than work, they payoff was more worthwhile. Minami was helpful, but sometimes Yuuri wished he had a little more time by himself to simmer in his thoughts and sort himself out.

 

Glancing at the time, Yuuri finished up with his apples by topping it with cream before he began to box and wrap his fresh pastries. It was already 3 o'clock, he needed to clean and prepare for tomorrow before he could close his shop. Setting aside the ready-to be delivered baked goods, he rapidly cleaned and wipe down the tables, windows, counter, and tools; his delivery was to arrive to its destination before 4pm and he wanted to leave early just in case the traffic was bad. 

 

Driving cautiously, Yuuri followed his GPS’s directions, only to find his confusion grow larger the closer he was to the address. Yuuri never expected to find himself driving through Silver Woods, a large section of forest for a very small number of wealthy families to live in while maintaining a larger gap between houses; this was a neighborhood for millionaires. Just passing by the houses made him uncomfortable. Yuuri told himself this was the last order and he could quickly run to his home and rest afterwards.

 

A large marble wall covered the perimeter, with smooth black gates covering the only possible entrance. Staring in awe, Yuuri felt his back begin to collect sweat with how he stood out of place. This was surely a mistake. 

 

Yuri was dedicated in refining his skills under various chefs, his career as a pastry chef was not exactly flourishing  as he only opened his store to customers five months ago. After telling himself that it wouldn’t hurt to ask if this was the correct address, he mustered whatever straws of courage he had, and opened the car with his pastries under his arms. Stepping forward anxiousl, he stretched his finger to ring the buzzer while balancing an umbrella over his shoulder to shield himself from the rain, the pastries keeping him warm from the cold winds. Just a few more minutes of human interaction and he could go home.

 

At first there was no sound except for the surrounding drops of rain that continued to hit his umbrella and surrounding ground, then he heard the sound of static, someone was answering through a speaker. 

“Who the hell is it now?” a crass voice questioned in an impatience pace.

“P-Pardon?” Yuuri found himself questioning, he wasn’t sure if his hearing had received the correct message from the speaker.

 

“Visitors aren’t allowed here, thought we made that clear...How the hell did you find the address?” 

 

Taking a deep breath, he tried to explain himself so the situation would not worsen “Um, I’m Yuuri Katsuki… I have a few baked goods from a man named...” He glanced down at the card he placed on top of the packages “...Mr. Yakov. I have a cake and some baked apples prepared.” 

 

Silence returned.

 

When Yuuri began to think he had indeed had the wrong address, the gates opened. 

“You better fucking have my apples.” The voice grumbled.

 

While a person was throw vulgar words in his direction, Yuuri was surprisingly unaffected by the insults thrown at him, perhaps it was because of the cracking voice, a sheer sign of a young boy in the middle of puberty; it was difficult to take him seriously. 

 

Still maintaining his attentive care with the sweets, he walked past the gates only to be overtaken by the pristine landscape. The ground was polished snow marble, the grass perfectly cut for any outdoor activity, and the pool was a combination with a fountain that  looked to made out of crystal. It felt like he stopped into a scene in a movie with his surroundings, he was out of his element.

 

“Fuck, if you don’t get inside, I will throw you into the pool myself.” The previous voice boomed across the fields, surprising Yuuri with the fact that the entire property had loud speakers outside for announcements. Who on earth could afford such commodities? It certainly couldn’t be the teenager, otherwise such things would be on the news.

 

With a closer look, the house was very box like. Black, square, with large windows. A very classy appearance.

 

Knocking on the glass door, he was surprised with a thin looking boy who had sharpy viridescent eyes. With such large property, he was expecting to see a butler or maid. Before Yuuri could apologize for keeping him waiting, the boy grabbed the first box that was labeled ‘Russian Baked Apples.’ and was headed to where Yuuri assumed was the kitchen. 

 

With the marble walls and floors, large imperial stairs that had black curved iron railings, and a conical chandelier, Yuuri found himself lost with how surreal his surroundings were. 

 

Growing up in Japan, he was so used to the simplicity of Japanese architecture and housing in his small town. The mansion he had entered was so dazzling and ornate; everything dripped with wealth and class. If he ever lived in a house such as this, he would likely get himself lost.

 

“Don’t you have somewhere to go?” the teenager complained when he saw that Yuuri was still in the mansion.

 

Wetting his lips anxiously, Yuuri cleared his throat “Um… There’s also a cake...” he lifted the box he wrapped carefully.

 

Almost automatically, the boy pointed up the stairs “Go upstairs to the furthest room down the center.” he disappeared into the kitchen and the sounds of clinking cutlery could only be heard.

 

“O-Oh! Sure… Nice meeting you then.” Yuuri politely stammered before he retreated upstairs, ready to leave the building, he was not sure his heart could take any more surprises.

 

Yuuri found himself worrying as he hiked up the stairs, while he did take pride in his confectionary skills, it seemed a little too out of place for him to suddenly grab the attention of the wealthy. Surely this was mistake, or a prank; neither of those possibilities comforted him when he reached the top of the extended stairs.

 

Taking a slow breath, Yuuri marched forward down the hall, passing by a few handfuls of white doors. The door at the end of the hall was a cynical black in contrast to the gentle white interior of the mansion. Gently, he knocked the back of his knuckles on the thin door, ready to have this final delivery finished so he could calm his nerves.

 

“Come in.” A light voice answered, though it was too muffled for Yuuri to tell if it was an elderly woman or man. Adjusting his grip on the boxed cake, he turned the cold knob and pushed forward, reminding himself to mind his manners. 

 

Yuuri was caught off guard by the glow of a young face combined with silver hair and the striking gaze of ice blue. The young stranger smiled, a finger touching his lips “Oh, is that a cake for me?” his head tilted with curiosity, eying the box Yuuri had. With a delayed reaction, he nodded “Yes… Um, from Mr. Yakov I believe.” He placed the cake near on a nearby table, by the large window, admiring the tea set and hot water dispenser. 

 

“Yakov? He must be hoping I’ll give him his answer with this… Suppose it is almost time that I do.” the man chuckled dryly “What a wonderful start to my day, I’m glad he has the decency to send me a bribe.”

 

When Yuuri returned his attention to the stranger he noticed that he was still in bed. “I’m sorry if I woke you.” though he was questioning why such a man would still be in bed at this time of day, but then again it was none of his business.

 

With a contented sigh, the stranger’s cheeks dimpled “No, you didn’t wake me up. I was waiting merely waiting for you. The cake smells lovely from here, freshly baked. Delicious.” Cool eyes playfully looked to Yuuri, his pale lashes glistened like silver starlight.

 

Lips were sucked in, Yuuri felt heat flare in his cheeks in response to such words, normally he was not the type to be affected by flirting simply because no one really bothered to notice him. Or rather, he was never aware of such flirtings most people were extremely subtle with the contact slips in his mailbox. As a result this upfront flirting was alien to him, it was the kind that overwhelmed him and left him unsure how to respond. Taking another deep breath, he settled with his usual tactic when things became too much; finish business and return to his apartment and go sleep.

 

“I see, I’m glad I didn’t disturb you. Shall I leave the cake at the table for you for later?” He smiled, hoping his face would not fail him like his quiet voice had. Yuuri had trouble smiling for the sake of keeping a happy appearance; his face would always come off as tense as he was abhorrent at lying since he never had reason to lie much in childhood.

 

Shifting to sit up better, the stranger shook his head “I’d prefer if you didn’t leave.” The stranger’s fingers touched the back of his hand.

“Um... ” Yuuri felt his neck heat up in response “I should go.”He finally said, taking a step back, and attempted to retrieve his hand.

 

“Please stay, it’s been too long since I’ve had a conversation with another besides my cousin.” The man’s eyes were wide, and suddenly he looked afraid that he would be abandoned “I didn’t mean to scare you, I just… think you’re attractive, and would love to have dinner with you to get know each other.”

 

“I really shouldn’t stay, you don’t know me, I don’t know you… I-I have to prepare my shop for tomorrow… My deliverer is sick so I need to-” Yuuri rambled. He knew it was starting but he was unable to stop himself.

 

“I’ll pay for whatever price you need to make up for the loss of time.” The stranger added, never once breaking eye contact with Yuuri. 

 

Knowing too well how it feels to be alone Yuuri felt himself slump his shoulders in defeat, he was really weak to what was offered, after all, he was interested as well. “Alright, but the money really doesn’t need to be a lot.”

 

Satisfied, the stranger sat back with closed eyes “Thank you.” his voice relieved.

 

Before Yuuri could specify what felt so familiar about this rich stranger, as he had an odd feeling digging his thoughts when he looked at his acquaintance. 

 

“I’m sorry if my flirting perturbed you, usually people stay longer to make conversation with me if I do so, but I’ve never felt the urge the ask them to dinner.”

 

“It’s fine.” He assured when really it was not; socializing was not his strong point in terms of romance. How was he supposed to keep this charming stranger entertained? If he didn't make a good impression of this obviously influential man, he may as well kiss his hopes goodbye of maintaining his current lifestyle. He was beyond the reasonable stress levels for a healthy human.

 

A few seconds pass by of Yuuri searching for something to say only to have the stranger break the ice first. 

 

“Perhaps you could make some tea? I would do it myself as you are a guest, but I’m afraid being bedridden prevents me to do so.”

 

Before he could stop himself, Yuuri met the stranger’s gaze, he opened his mouth to say something but kept to himself for fear of accidentally mixing his words up and making a mistake, all he could give was a sympathetic look.

 

“It’s only for a few more months, you don’t need to be sad.” the man comforted “Perhaps some tea for the both of us? With cake as well.” he gestured for the table by the window.

 

Straightening his back “Of course!” he felt like a fool just standing there looking upset for no reason, already he was slipping up and acting like a complete buffoon. Quickly he opened the box and allowed a moment for the man to witness his creation, hoping it makes up for his clumsy behaviour.

 

“How lovely, it looks almost too beautiful to eat. I hope it didn’t take you too long to make it.” Soft eyes stared at the cake’s smooth surface. “A piece of art,” he added with a softer voice, almost breathy.

 

Feeling pride well up in his chest he smiled “You flatter me.” Yuuri stared down at the porcelain tea set, holding the teapot in his hands, thumbs brushing in circular motions around the beautiful china blue rose pattern, he couldn’t hold the small smile from himself. Opening the lid to tea, he spooned about three teaspoons into the teapot’s filter, moving to the hot water dispenser to fill the pot of hot water. After 5 minutes of awkward waiting for the tea to steep, Yuuri suddenly recalled he had never introduced himself, “I recognize this is a rather late introduction, but... my name Yuuri Katsuki.” He began to pour tea into two cups, bringing the first cup to his companion. 

 

Thanking him for the tea, the stranger took his first sip. “Well, Mr. Katsuki, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Victor Nikiforov, you are free to call me by my first name since you are my guest and a talented chef.”

 

Yuuri paused, his hand twitched and dropped his own cup, the delicate porcelain shattering as it collided with the marble floor. “V-Victor Nikiforov?!” he sputtered, his heart shooting out of his chest like a bullet. 

 

“The renowned figure skater of the century?!” Yuuri swore his legs were threatening to collapse when his memories of looking up to Victor as a child to adulthood hit him all at once. How blind could he have been to be unable to recognize him instantly? While it had been five years since he looked up his idol, Yuuri never expected his brain fail to recognize older Victor Nikiforov, the very man that filled his life with passion and inspiration. 

 

“Well… Yes. So you have heard of me?” Victor coyly asked, eyes glimmering with confidence now that Yuuri knew who he was, no doubt happy to meet a fan.

 

Unable to stop himself, his voice grew. “Of course I have! You inspired me to skate as a child, I-” Memories of rain hit him, drowning him, “-always looked up to you…!” his sister dying, his dog gone, and his dreams going down the sewer “But...I...” his voice died, the return of his past made him clam up, his fingers digging into his palm  _ “What am I doing?”  _ He realized he was acting very much like a child.  _ “The fact that Victor Nikiforov is in front of me doesn’t change a thing, this… it’s too late now.”  _

 

“Mr. Katsuki?”

 

Yuuri’s head spun as he looked down to the ground, incapable of staying any longer in the room; the room with Victor Nikiforov. 

 

“I need to go.” Yuuri imparted, his throat was tighter than he felt comfortable. 

 

“But we haven’t had the cake yet!” Victor exclaimed, unsure how to deal with Yuuri’s change in attitude.

 

“I’m sorry… But I have to go. The address to my shop is on the box… Please send me the the price of your tea set… I’ll replace it for my carelessness.” With great effort he pushed himself to walk away. The pitter-patter of rain grew against the window before he shut the door and ran out of the house to get as far away as he could. This was too much, and he needed to leave.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My love for these characters are so intense, man my muse is thirsty. Couldn't help but lavish and indulge on the idea of adorable chef Yuuri.
> 
> Pop by and chat if you'd like https://lacycandy.tumblr.com/  
> I'm always eager to talk!


	2. Probus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know: Next chapter will be released January 13th 2017 or earlier

“Sweet mercy, kill me now.” Yuuri groaned with his arm resting over top his eyes. It was sometime in the middle of 6 in the morning. Opening hours were eight o’clock sharp in the daytime; he could give himself the moment to mope over his actions last night. _“I panic and just demand to leave Victor’s house like an ungrateful, fatuous moron.”_ A sigh escaped through parted lips before he rolled over, face down in his smothering pillow. Yuuri hoped that death had a good reason besides ‘It is not your time’ as to why they haven't ended his misery and left him to simmer in his embarrassment. Had he not suffered enough punishment?

From now own, he would be incapable of facing Victor. Though, this might have been for the best, Victor was an ugly reminder of his past dreams; dreams he had nursed, and protected for years, only to abandon it when it bore fruit; rotting away in an ugly manner. He thought by turning his back on the damage he could move on with his life and protect himself. However, yesterday made it clear that his heart was still shattered and bleeding over his loss. On the chance that Victor hated him, which would be warranted, Yuuri wanted to at least be able to leave the memory of Victor Nikiforov unblemished and stored away now that Victor no doubt found his company distasteful.

When his alarm sang and rattled half past six o’clock he sat up to turn it off when it began to annoy him. He was done his 10 minutes of worry and regret. Today was a new day. Things would return to normal, and he was ready to knead dough for whatever the cafe was prepared to serve; no more useless panicking over spilled milk.

Jumping in the shower, he quickly rinsed himself clean before drying his hair. When he looked preened and neat, he prepared himself in his usual form fitting attire for work; a white double breasted jacket, black pants, and a black apron. One last look in the mirror and he felt himself relax; this was his present and future. One of the perks of living just above his shop allowed his living compartments to contain faint traces of fresh baked sweets, it always left him feeling happier and warmer inside and out by waking up to the fragrance, it was a comforting greeting.

He headed to his shop and switched on the kitchen lights on, looked at his slips of requested sweet delicacies that people could anonymously request by slipping it through his miniature mail slot on the shop’s door, and preheated the oven. Apparently it was someone’s birthday tomorrow; the paper instructed a small strawberry themed cake was needed with a dozen chocolate velvet cupcakes.

Yuuri felt his face slowly light up as he read the back ‘When you deliver it, please knock the door and leave the cake at the doorstep by the address for my sister to be surprised, I’ll come by tomorrow morning to pay for the order. -Marie’

 _What a kind sister. Y_ uuri admired his customer’s thoughtfulness, it reminded him of how warm and loving his own family was.

Yuuri’s smile died at the thought of his family, he set off to work to push away the thoughts. He pushed a smile back on to his face, but that too died when he caught a glimpse of the display window.

Why was he witnessing Victor in front of his store, pressed against the window like a child? Yuuri hoped that he was still sleepy and was having a delusional vision.

“Yuuri! You forgot your umbrella and shoes!” The man professed with his easygoing expression, brightening the room so much Yuuri’s eyes squinted in annoyance. That voice crushed his hopes that Victor was not visiting him. As much as Yuuri wanted to go back inside his room upstairs, he opened his shop’s doors and invited Victor, his guest, to come in.

Enthusiastically, Victor wheeled himself inside, right under one of the small dining tables for customers, while placing Yuuri’s forgotten belongings on the table “Thanks for inviting me, as much as I love the outdoors, mornings have a chilly wind that never settled well with me.” His elbows rested, hands entwined and his chin resting over top “So this is what your shop looks like? It’s quite cozy, wish I had known of this place sooner.” Victor’s face was smooth, eyes closed, revealing his silvery lashes “Warm, like the embrace of a lover. Safe and inviting.” he whispered, eyes opening just to share it with Yuuri’s young gaze.

Feeling the familiar rush of his bashfulness return to his cheeks, Yuuri broke their eye connection to retrieve his items “Thanks for coming all this way,” he replied, trying to avoid expressing any of his timidness despite knowing too well it was futile with his inability to hide his emotions. Yuuri knew Victor had always been flirtatious, but it was so difficult to deal with when it was being directed at him. Any more of this and Yuuri would consider visiting the church down two blocks to pray for strength.

Hoping to end the interaction sooner, Yuuri approached Victor to retrieve his belongings, only to feel the slip of Victor’s hand slide down from the back of neck to his chin. Victor’s eyes intensified “Little piggy, you’re not running away from your wolf, are you?” He quickly laughed at Yuuri's reaction "Sorry, I like to joke, you seemed a bit tense." he said, seeming half serious and half joking with his intentions, as if he was unsure if Yuuri wanted him to be flirtatious.

Instinctively, Yuuri sharply pulled himself away from Victor, enough space to avoid any skin contact. The path his fingers traced left a cold burn that left a lingering memory. Yuuri’s entire neck was painted crimson, he could feel it. In response to Victor’s teasing Yuri Shook his head “No, no, no, no! I um...” He swore internally, he was tripping over his words “...Just wanted to get my stuff and put it away… Do you want anything?” he offered in desperate attempt to change topics. It wasn't like he wasn't interested, but this was a bit too forward for his usual comfort, he wasn't used to boldness. But who said Yuuri even had a chance?

Slipping off his Armani jacket, Victor nodded, withdrawing his flirtations, and glanced over his options on the whiteboard above Yuuri “I’ll take a montblanc and cherry sorbet.”

* * *

Being raised to be polite to all had it’s ups and downs. On one hand, people were more likely to treat him kindly and the sense of harmony would remain unbroken. Yuuri told himself to be strong, he forced a smile on his face, already feeling his muscles tense “More sorbet?” he asked for the sixth time. He hoped Victor was close to leaving, it was nearly closing time. How he was able to consume dessert after dessert with no pauses, he would never find out.

“Da!” Victor answered with glee, spending so much time with his stubborn customer, Yuuri quickly figured out ‘Da’ meant ‘Yes’ after a few exchanges of the same reply.

“This will have to be your last, My shop closes at three, and it’s-” Yuri looked over his wrist watch “... A quarter before 3.”

Somehow, Victor remained in his store for an entire six hours chatting away with him, conversing with the most dull and ordinary person out of the entire city. It wasn't like Victor was hurting his business; In fact, Victor attracted more customers with his looks. That was to be expected, gorgeously handsome, and wealthy, a celebrity in this small city of Remissio. Naturally, he attracted a few curious customers.

Dread drowned Yuuri as he took Victor’s bowl to refill, anxiety knotted his stomach with every step, tightening. _What does he gain from this?_ he wondered with pessimism, scooping up a large dollop of pastel pink frozen dessert. Slowly he eased his anxiety a bit, keeping himself sane as much as possible.

When he returned to his ‘loyal’ customer he could not help himself “Was there something you wanted from me regarding yesterday?” He decided to rip the band aid off, he got himself into this mess and he was resolved to escape it.

There was a pause of silence, Victor  took a bite of his dessert and rested his eyes as he settled his spoon on the table with grace “What is your favorite choice of literature?”

Without helping it, Yuuri was lost and impatient, this was not the answer to his question. Despite this frustrating avoidance, he humored him “The Book Thief.”

The slight evidence of a smile grew and confirmed Victor’s expression, his eyes softened “That is what I gain.”

“A book recommendation?” Yuuri was pushed further into confusion, he couldn't help but chuckle at the absurdity.

“I’m getting to know you by staying, that’s all I want.” Victor was gifted with good looks and charm, and Yuuri found himself cursing whoever made those decisions “Though I suppose my time is over, may I have the bill?”

Having kept Victor’s bill consistently updated and added, he answered quickly “$54.76 with tax. Though you don’t need to pay, I did ruin your set of china yesterday.” he assured _While being severely rude._ he reminded himself. Yuuri took a deep breath “Why are you really here? I made a fool out of myself in front of you." He paused "Is it to rub it in my face?” While Yuuri felt himself fill with fear of being correct, his heart was oddly steady and vision more focused. It was like his body was forcing itself to be strong while his emotions crippled "Are you messing with me?"

Finishing his sorbet, Victor “You are a fan of mine. Most people would throw themselves at me, but not you. You ran and left. You’re definitely different, Yuuri. And I want to get to know you.”

Yuuri found his heart picking up from his name being spoken through Victor’s lips, currently at the mercy of his childhood hero who was focusing his words at him alone. It was almost too much to handle

“It’s a first, for a fan to not steal a moment of my time, you didn’t want anything from me. So I’d like for us to get to know each other. You’re intriguing, and on a forward note, I would like to take you for dinner.” Victor’s voice was warmly tender, leaving Yuuri too speechless and bewildered to respond. He needed a moment to allow Victor’s words sink in.

Only the ring of his phone snapped him out of it, he looked down to his alarm to read that it was closing time. “Ah...It’s 3pm...” he managed to say.

“I’ll pick you up at 6 tonight.” Victor added as he readied himself for outside. “Here’s the money for the lovely dessert.”

Yuuri felt a bill being pressed into his hand, and watched a mercedes park right in front. A clean looking chauffeur exited the car and opened the car and store door for Victor. Glancing down at the money, Yuuri registered that he was given a $100 dollar bill. Throwing himself out of the door he shouted “This is too much for your bill!” hoping to catching him on time to give back the change.

The darkened window slid down, revealing Victor winking with his forefinger pressed to his lips “I guess you’ll have to meet me tonight to give back the change.” The pristine automobile then drove off leaving Yuuri time to process what just happened. Yuuri thought about his entire day, Victors incessant questions of his personal life, him slipping up occasionally by answering. Now he needed to get himself properly dressed for dinner with Victor Nikiforov. How the hell did this even happen within 24 hours?

_I need to call Phichit, this is ridiculous._

* * *

Yuuri and Phichit have been best friends for quite some time now. They met in Japan for his first season at competitive figure skating. Originally they were supposed to leave together to Detroit, but that was before the accident. Even though he was unable to travel to America, they still kept contact, which he was grateful for. However, figure skating was a topic that was mutually agreed to be taboo. But even, there were still some things he kept disclosed to only himself. They still asked each other for advice however. 

“Yuuri, go with the light grey one!” Phichit insisted, pointing as best as he could through Skype. The man shook his head “But I feel it makes me look even more dull, isn't white better? It's a classic.” Yuuri defended, dropping the gray shirt to show how the white buttoned shirt complimented him. Phichit groaned and shook his head “Yuuri, in terms of aesthetics, the grey colour is your best weapon of choice. Victor is used to dazzling fans hoarding him, you have him in your clutches because you weren't trying to kiss his shoes.” Phichit sat up, voice stepping up its intensity “Katsuki Yuuri, you need to keep up your subtle casual attitude while showing off.”

Yuuri stared back at Phichit “None then.” he surrendered "I still can't believe this is happening."

“Finally!” Phichit cheered, “No ties of any variety!” He warned, as if reading Yuuri’s mind.

“But I have a nice blue one….”

“You ONLY have a blue one. Yuuri, I love you like brother, so please no ties. Just keep the first two buttons at the top unbuttoned and slather up some cologne.” Phichit hugged his pillows tightly, before his face grew with curiosity “When was the last time you dated someone?”

“Well… I've had a few crushes…” Yuuri mumbled, changing out of his Chef uniform and into his date attire, making note to leave a few buttons free.

“You never dated?”

Yuuri never had much opportunity to experience the wonders of dating, which left it embarrassingly nonexistent “Growing up in a small town while studying made it difficult, I also dedicated my time to training.” he rubbed his neck “Is it that obvious?”

Phichit shook his head no, his expression bright and devoid of worry “Yuuri, you’ll be fine, treat it like a first date and things will be amazing. He asked you out for dinner, that's a pretty good sign. Plus, you could use your innocence as your advantage to make a great impression on him.”

“I guess...Wait… How did we even get to the topic of dating? Phichit, you know this isn’t a date right? It’s dinner.” Yuuri backtracked before he further mortified himself by getting his hopes up, that Victor wanted to date him. “It’s dinner I can’t afford.” he added.

Shaking his head in disbelief, Phichit began to explain the rules of first dates “The person inviting another person to a date has to pay on the first outing. It’s only polite.”

Yuuri was relieved, but still a little concerned for the bill. Victor was being a bit too generous to him and the intentions were a bit ambiguous to him. Yuuri thanked Phichit and glanced down at his wristwatch when his friend pointed out that he needed to get ready “I think you’re right, there’s about 40 minutes till he arrives so that helps with my anxiety.” he ended his sentence sarcastically. His heart was raging and pounding ravenously.

With great zeal, Phichit applauded Yuuri “Knock him on his feet!” his friend gave two thumbs up.

Finding himself swept up by his friend’s motivation he nodded “I’ll do my best.” he waved goodbye before shutting his laptop down. _Still not a date._  he reiterated to himself.

Before he dressed himself in a fresh shirt, he ironed his clothes for good measure. Some cologne under his ears and wrists. Yuuri was not sure if he was prepared what came next, Victor would no doubt talk to him, but he anticipated that there would be a handful more of personal questions. He could ask more personal questions back, but he figure Victor would become delighted by the show of interest in him when Yuuri had not interest in him.

When he was done tidying himself up, he closed shop and double checked that he would be ready to open tomorrow with no issues. Reflecting on it now, Yuuri could not pinpoint the last time he went out with anyone like this, maybe this was a sign he needed to socialize himself more. It wasn't like he had trouble making friends, it was letting them get closer that was difficult. With a final flick, the lights turned off and he walked outside his shop, locked up and waited for Victor. He was 10 minutes early.

Much to his luck, Victor seemed to also favor being early, as his car was now parking itself in front of him. Slowly, the window retracted, revealing a beaming smile. “Good evening,” Victor was dazzling as always, especially in a black tight-fitting dress shirt.

“Good evening,” he returned, slightly more clumsily than he desired. Undeterred by Yuuri’s rusty greeting, Victor gestured for him to get inside the car before he openly vocalized how he loved the new restaurant that had opened by Elizabeth Park. Yuuri indulged him as best as his ability allowed after he insisted Victor receive his change for the dessert. The entire ride consisted of Victor chatting away, and Yuuri, watching the people they passed by, listening and replying to him.

Dinner was sumptuous. The cutlery organized for a five course meal. While Yuuri was doing his best to eat with grace and etiquette, Victor did so effortlessly. Yuuri though they were eating in the corner to avoid spectators which would lead to unwanted attention to Victor’s presence. While it was unintentional, people were attracted to his natural charisma.

The first meal was chilled soup, Victor helpfully explained to use the cutlery from the outside and slowly move to the center with each new meal. As the climbed through the meals, Victor encouraged Yuuri to open up more.

Slowly chewing a piece of mild roast chicken, Yuuri was very aware of Victor’s passionate gaze.

“Do you not like wine?” Victor inquired, his eyes gently stared at his full glass of rose wine. Swallowing quickly to avoid leaving Victor without an answer, he cleared his throat “No, no! I um… When I get a bit tipsy, I go a little crazy so if it’s not at home I avoid alcohol.” his heart paced when Victor sipped his wine and had caught sight of his tongue.

Victor was pleased to receive a new piece of personal information, taking the time to savor it as he hummed contently “Unable to hold alcohol… I see”. The silence went on and Yuuri proceeded to finish his dish, berating himself for allowing himself to be pulled in by Victor’s magnetism.

“Have you always wanted to work with baked goods?”

Yuuri hesitantly answered while holding eye contact “I liked baking as a child,” his eyes returned back to his bare plate “But I never really developed any skills until I was older.” Before, he was dedicating all of his time to figure skating.

Victor’s cool expression perked up, he leaned forward with interest “What held your interest in that duration?” He asked “A lover?” he tone was husky.

His heart dropped and was drowning “Studies.”  He lied, thankful he had not choked yet.

The smile lessened, but did not fade “Oh, you must been quite studious.”

The rest of the evening was surprisingly easier to get through, Yuuri was unable to lie to himself; he was enjoying himself with Victor. Surprisingly, they plenty of things in common. Novels were a guilty pleasure, dogs were insanely adorable, writing was a favorite past time, and music was relaxing.

When the time reached half past 7, Yuuri and Victor had finished their entire course. Much to both of their dismay. The time spent in the car were looking at Victor’s photos of his poodle Makkachin which made time fly. Before he left the car, Yuuri paused.

“Victor, that was… a lot of fun.” he admitted, handling his anxiety better now that he was less skittish with his stubborn company.

“Vitya, anytime for you.” Victor replied, appeased with Yuuri’s attitude at dinner “I’m glad we both enjoyed ourselves.”

Almost out of nowhere, Yuuri began to confess, he had the urge to say the truth, even if it was a small piece of the bigger past he had “Um... You know, when I was a child… I had a passion. Much larger than baking… I looked up to you. My dream was to become a famous figure skater and join you on the rink to win the Grand Prix.”

“Thank you, that makes me happy to hear.” Victor replied almost too soon, his cheeks dimpled; a smile so perfect a priest would weep. Somehow, it seemed out of place with how it cut their conversation off.

“You don’t have to lie.” Yuuri's voice was calm when he stared down at Victor’s expression. He had such delicate features. Yuuri leaned forward to place a dusty kiss on Victor’s cheek. When he pulled back, he shared Victor’s shocked expression when his idol’s fingers traced where lips met.“Goodnight…!” he left the car and rushed into his room through his shop. His back leaned against the door before he slid to his knees, covering his red embarrassment that spread over his face. What on earth took over him?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that this month I have exams so Im preparing to release a few chapters early to to focus on studies for the ready of the month, thanks for stopping by! Feel free to say hi and chat on my Tumblr https://lacycandy.tumblr.com/
> 
> It'd be nice to meet people who also enjoy YOI


	3. Acerbus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was surprisingly difficult to write, but I guess it's cause i'm slightly rusty at writing angst but found it enjoyable to give it a try. Next chapter will be out on February 5th or sooner, I unfortunately must prepare and study for my exams. Thanks for reading, and comments would be appreciated! -Candy

Crickets danced and sang to each other, no doubt excited that the sun had been tucked away, signaling their turn to come alive. With the slow arrival of consciousness, Victor knew before his eyes met with the sight of darkness, that the moon was still out. Fatigue still tugged at his eyelids, but the dryness of his throat told him him he would need to get up for water if he wanted to return back to his restful slumber.Quietly, he grabbed for the cup he left himself by the nightstand. Downing it, he placed his attention back to sleeping. He felt oddly melancholic _“Must have dreamed something sad...”_ he assumed, watching the soft spill of moonlight pour from the window. It wasn't unusual for a bad dream to pass by, but he noticed with every wave of sleep, he found them worsen. The first time he struggled with bad dreams was when he was young, when his parents were still alive.

When he was younger, Victor’s most prominent memory was when his mother and father taught him to skate on an unnamed pond when he was still at the delicate age of three. Cold bit at the tip of nose, but he never minded it; Victor used to think it was his the wind wanting to play as a child. He smiled, those days had been so innocent and filled with joy, before age had seized them with illness. The piercing burn of those memories clutched his chest, he was thankful that he had his hair and eyes as permanent mementos of his loving parents. When his pain let go there was an empty ache that pinched with every beat of his heart.

Figure skating had originally been a way to recall his first memories of skating, until he found himself tire of the constant repetition. Then he switched his focus to anything that filled his body with inspiration; including sexual meetings with others. Victor enjoyed the nature of sex, but found that romantic passions would dry out faster than he preferred, the emotional part of the relationships were lacking. Breaking his ex lover’s hearts was not enjoyable, but Victor preferred giving the truth over lies, and he refused to settle with a person.

 _What a hypocrite that I am._ He crudely thought, chuckling at the dark revelation when he caught his flawed thinking. It was selfish, but he forgave himself. No one knew his circumstances and feelings better than himself. He needed to be able to forgive himself for this, or else everything he had worked hard to hold together, would crash; leaving him emotionally crippled. Still, the guilt of it all followed him in his shadow.

Somewhere along his tumbling thoughts, he finally felt his mind slip away into dreams.

Victor felt and abrupt pressure on his chest, and woke up to a bright room with his best friend cuddled on his chest. “Ah… Good morning.” His hand glided over his sheets and met cotton soft fur, his sense of loneliness lessened.

“Makkachin, you're crushing my lungs.” he chuckled, his dog had the adorable habit of snuggling into his chest since it was a puppy, but a large poodle proved to be a bit too much for him. The dog grumbled and proceeded to step away to the side of the bed, sulking that he had to move away, settling his it's head on his stomach.

Victor sat up and breathed in the sounds. Light chunks of rain hit the roof,  rushing back to the earth.

Small birds filled the air with their soft melodies, no doubt serenading with their lifelong partner, be it lover or friend. For it to be this quiet, Yuri must have been sleeping or was out, typically the teenager was exuberant with his heavy metal music or games. This wasn't complaining, but rather, fond contemplation. 

Grabbing his laptop, Victor opened up to his blog on Tumblr. FrozenChampagne was his pen name. He kept this one bit of social media to himself, not one of his own fans knew of this part of his life. The part where he needed to release the quiet part of himself. The luxurious Victor Nikiforov was an unattainable sex symbol that was a social butterfly, which was true to a certain point, but a small percent of him craved those moments of quiet. Mornings and his poem blog were his quiet times.

On his word processor, Victor opened up his latest rough draft. Usually he would release a weekly poem that centered around his daily life. His poems always seemed like an exaggeration of his life, but they always held a grain of truth, he wrote what it felt like when his emotions were high strung.

Although, he had been stuck in a rut in terms of uploading his work, but emotions were still high strung inside of him. Guilt was a first time for his work, but he needed to finish his poem. Hesitantly he scanned the words he wrung out on previous occasions that his heart was bursting with heavy emotions.

 _For many years_  
_There’ve been bloodstains stitched into my skin_  
With seams protruding and clotted blood within

Originally it would be left as one paragraph, but Victor pushed through, fingers slowly working on the second paragraph now that he had time to gather and sort his emotions. It had been too long since he last worked on this piece, and various emotions and thoughts had taken place over the course of that particular time.

Victor breezed through, his last paragraph proved difficult however.With every new word he expressed, the closer he was to revealing his true thoughts in the most simplest of terms yet vague as to what was the cause of his grief. Unable to finish, Victor set his work aside and decided to get back to it later that day when his fingers itch to write again.

If he recalled correctly, he had not seen Yuuri since last week. Since it was raining, he decided to drop a call to his friend, assuming today was a slow day for the shop.

His patience rewarded him with the voice of a stranger. “Hello, this is Minami from Le Chat Noir, what can I help you with?” A rather young stranger.

Victor looked down at his lap, unamused at this surprise, he was expecting to speak to Yuuri. Several times, he opened and closed his mouth, but settled with silence at this undesired person.

“Um… Hello? Are you still there?”

Sighing, he answered “Yes, is Yuuri around?” Victor asked smoothly, making sure to emphasize that he was on first name basis with the owner of the shop.

“Oh, Mr. Katsuki? I think he’s…” the young voice trailed “... on his break. Perhaps another time would be a more appropriate to call.”

Clearing his throat, Victor decided to pull out his assertive cards “It’ll just be for a moment, we have plans for tonight.”

No answer. Victor almost worried that Minami had not understood his intimate connotation of his relationship with his boss.

With the sound of faded voices and shuffling, the phone was answered with the voice Victor had been looking forward to. “Victor what did you say to make Minami turn bright red?”

“Just that I wanted to make plans with you.” Victor defended, his mood brightening up despite Yuuri’s irritation.

“Suppose he's an employee?” He asked.

“Yeah, he's working at my shop.” Yuuri answered “What popped the question?”

“No reason, I suppose this explains everything. You prefer to date younger men, I guess this is why you never return my flirtations.” He dramatically sighed, grabbing his chest as if his heart was breaking

“Goodbye, Victor.” Yuuri said.

“No wait! I was only teasing!” He replied.

“I'm sorry about making him uncomfortable.” He meant it. Victor just wished that he could visit Yuuri whenever he wished. That he could properly see Yuuri without any help because his condition. The idea that someone else was able to see him whenever they liked highlighted his loneliness. But he wasn't in a position for jealousy to rise up, especially of a kid. He was more mature than that.

“I missed talking to you. It's been awhile since we’ve seen each other so I was calling to see if you had some time to come over.” Victor knew he sounded like a yearning lover, but he couldn't help himself. Socializing gave life to his lonely heart, even though everyone was kept at arm’s length, he could at least pretend he wasn’t lonely.

Ever since he retired, things were so different. His friends were still his friends, but were busy practicing for next season. Outside of his fellow ice skating peers, other people wanted him for selfish reasons. Victor never held it against the people who desperately wanted his attention, because he knew that it was simply human nature to desire what a person can’t have. Victor liked how Yuuri held up his no-nonsense attitude; it was sincere. Selfish as it was, he couldn’t help but think Yuuri was also a little lonely.

“I have a few deliveries to make with Minami. Apparently there's a lot of birthday celebrations that need my cakes on their tables. By the time I'm finished it would be too late to stop by your house.”

“What time?”

“Um, 7pm roughly, one of the deliveries are out of town.” He explained. “I’d hate to impose at a late hour.”

Adoring how considerate Yuuri was, Victor insisted “It would be lovely if you joined for dinner at my house tomorrow then. My cousin loves your pastries, he won't admit it, but he keeps stealing my food when I place orders from your shop.” Yuri insisted that they were too sweet, but Victor knew better; his cousin had a guilty sweet tooth that was indulged every time Victor ordered sweets.

Yuuri laughed from the honest flattery “I'll see if I can make it at six pm if you place an order so I can deliver it personally to your doorstep. Angry yelling excluded.” His teasing proved too good for Victor to resist.

Victor rested his forefinger on his lips, pondering what to ask for “Suppose I could do that...for a price. How about… you surprise me with a mystery baked good?.”

“Risky words,” Yuuri warned “it’d be shame if I switched jam with hot sauce” his voice gave away the smile that Victor heard through the phone. He wished he was there to see it.

Makkachin sensed Victor’s happiness, no doubt wanting to be part of the fun, he crawled over Victors lap again and nudged his spare hand. Absentmindedly, he scratched his pet’s belly “As much as I enjoy a good surprise, I don't think my cousin would agree if he fell victim to your…teasing. You know, the angry one who yelled at you on the first day we met?”

“Ah, yeah… Your cousin, what was his name again? I'm not sure if you've told me before.” Yuuri pondered.

“Yuri.”

“...What?”

“You two share the same name.” Victor realized. “Guess I better start calling him Yurio then. Problem solved!” He proudly concluded.

Yuuri paused before speaking “Won't he get angry though?”

“No, he just likes to act angry. When something upsets him he does get around to communicating with me.” Yurio would get angry, but decided that Yuuri had been born first and therefore deserved first dibs. Besides, Victor secretly wanted to give his adorably, stubborn cousin a nickname. Now he had a legitimate a reason to.

“Alright, well… I should get back to work, I'll see you tomorrow?” Yuuri asked, sounding almost unsure if Victor meant it when invited to be his company for dinner. “Of course, I look forward to seeing you, Yuuri. Take care while you’re out in the rain”.

“Me too… and you as well.” Yuuri replied before the conversation ended with the soft click of the phone. With questionable timing, the phone vibrated and rang right against his ear. As he winced in pain from the sudden call. He glanced down, and turned his phone off once he registered who was trying to contact him.

 _I'm sorry Yakov. Not yet. H_ e silently directed to his coach. Victor wasn't ready to face his trainer and give his answers to figure skating as he purposely failed to explain to the media his reasons for retiring. The answers were too personal and he simply was not ready to give them. He wasn't even sure if he would ever be ready.

Shaking away any lingering worries, Victor happily shouted “Yurio! Wakey wakey lemon shakie! We got lots to do tonight!”

No noise, but Victor knew Yuri was a  sensitive sleeper. “I’ll start singing our national anthem!” he threatened.

“I’m up!"  A voice growled from across the house "Victor don’t just call me a lemon whenever you fucking want!”.

“We need to go shopping for food and flowers!” Silver hair was loosely brushed by fingers, determining that it was time to shower that night, he wanted to be presentable for his precious Yuuri "I want you to come with me."

“Are you fucking shitting me?! Victor! It is the goddamn weekend so for the love of everything precious to you, let me fucking sleep in!”

Victor pouted “Guess I’ll just call our chauffeur to drive me.”

Victor steadied himself and sat into his wheelchair, and directed himself to his walk in closet, only to get stuck. His hands gripped the armrests a little too hard. “Lovely.” he groaned, debating whether he wanted to call on Yurio to help him out, he settled against it, aware that the young teenager had likely stayed up watching horror movies, or was busy playing horror themed video games.

Dressing himself was always a chore, but he had nothing relatively planned for the day that required lot of effort. While Makkachin would always try to help by bringing him his hair brush, his canine friend would be unable to provide much aid in being stuck between the door. Luckily, Victor appreciated that there was no extreme rush for him to ready himself.

 

Eventually, he managed to retrieve his clothes and dress himself decently for public viewing. Just before he exited his room, Victor uploaded his now complete poem. His last poem.

 _For many years_  
_There’ve been bloodstains stitched into my skin_  
_With seams protruding and clotted blood within_  
  
_And although my tears_  
_Shall never greet the ground below_  
_As a blemish on the forgotten snow_  
  
_I will mourn_  
_And grieve for all I have lost_  
While my cheeks sting from the frigid frost

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story actually, I was helping my friend choose a city name for her original book, and I kept insisting her to name a city Le Chat Noir as a joke but apparently she's legitimately using it as a name for an Inn. When I thought of Yuuri’s cafe name that was the only thing I could think of. I'm sure you readers and Yurio approve, after all, Yuuri would be an adorable fat black cat.


	4. Lacrima

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what's great? Getting sick during the week of exams, lasting for two weeks. Sorry for the late update, I should be back on schedule however! Next chapter is planned to be released Feb 18/19 of 2017. Thanks for your patience! Comments are always appreciated, I always end up smiling just from reading them, I guess it's my guilty pleasure.
> 
> This chapter is a special treat as it ended up a lot more heartfelt that I had planned.

Yuuri carefully assessed what he wanted to create for Victor, after the ‘surprise’ confectionery he brought over, it had become a part of his routine to visit weekly with different baked goods. After a few weeks, Yuuri felt more relaxed when it came to their meetings, they had become comfortable with each other’s company. It was a pleasant change of pace in his usual life. Viewing the various recipes that were bestsellers, he was between a strawberry shortcake or a more simplistic sweet such as checkered shortbread.

Eyes peeked at the clock, it seemed he didn’t have the time to make a stop by the indoor skating rink. The city was not an avid fan of skating as many people desired warmer sports due to the consistent temperate weather. Outside of Christmas, the rink was devoid of people. Luckily, it seemed the mayor of the city favoured the sport, rumour suggested she had aspired to skate professional as a youth, which explained the sentiment of keeping it around. Luckily for her, the city was wealthy and could afford a spare skating rink.

The sensation of Yuuri's body gliding and dancing on the ice satisfied his addiction to be on ice, but it was a temporary balm to his larger desire and fears. To Yuuri, he had so much that could have been, but did not, because it was meant to be like this. His eyes settled on the checkered cookies, his fingers gently explored the surface of his written recipes, scanning through the steps. Simple with a lot of waiting.

Yuuri wasn't complaining, the cool flush of the ice was a familiar feeling that was associated with fond memories, the touch of the cold calmed his soul. It reminded him of the times he was young and clueless to the harshness of the world, taking his first shaky step on ice, the step that taught him how to colour the air with his movements. When he skated, his troubles couldn't reach him, they were clouded by the emotions and words he expressed with his body, he would become enamored with his story. Recently, his heart had become uneasy, because of that, he’d been needing more visits to ease his troubles.He was happy with his current life, he told himself, repeating it as his mantra. Having to reiterate it so many times has made the effect weaken with each time, instead, he placed his focus on his current task; baking, an effective distraction to his misery.

Minami quietly cleaned the area, with the occasional discreet glances, allowing Yuuri the luxury of complete focus. With careful measurements, Yuuri began to set aside the ingredients, mixing them to create two equal parts of batter. One chocolate, and one vanilla. He carefully rolled and trimmed the dough into equal strips to layer, freeze, and layer again before he began to slice the blocks of patterned dough. The rest was an easy process of allowing the oven to do its work of baking. When Yuuri finished the last batch of cookies, Minami had also finished up cleaning and was thrilled to accept some of the baked goods before he left for home, always waving goodbye and wishing Yuuri a goodnight.

Doubt was a heavy burden, it dragged Yuuri’s composure down, sitting at the bottom of his heart like a rock while it made him drown. Yuuri wondered why Victor chose him, to keep him company, to sometimes ask him personal requests. It was fear that kept him from voicing his questions, he was scared of his doubts being confirmed. That his hopes were a reflection of himself; an ugly selfishness that he had in his heart. His heart ached, spending so much time with Victor had been a wonderful experience, it made him crave more of him as hope grew in equal parts of fear.

Victor was the prince, this illusion quickly faded when they became familiar with each other, revealing a beautifully human character in themselves. Things became more intimate, not in the sexual nature, but resembled something trusting. If Yuuri had a word for their relationship, he was tempted to say romantic. Victor flirted casually at the start of their relationship, but after a month, his words carried more sincerity and the lightheartedness of his words were less delicate and more serious.

Yuuri was flawed, more than most, he was anxious which caused most of his clumsiness, had trouble with his words, and lacked inner strength to decide what he really wanted in life. His affections to Victor had been one of superficial foundation, a fan’s infatuation with a celebrity. After getting to know Victor, Yuuri’s infatuation faded into something more honest and real, a gentle sort of attachment. The kind that made him daydream of Victor sleeping beside him, his arms wrapped around the man, a domestic life. Such delusions were dangerous and false. He was tempted to say this was love, but knew better than to delude himself into believing that.

Splashing his face with cold water, Yuuri changed out of his uniform, forcing his head back to reality. His slipped into casual attire, cleaned and ready to see Victor again. Just as he locked up, a lean stranger approached him, shorter in height, likely a teenager. “I’m afraid the shop’s closed for tonight.” He explained, hating to have to deliver the news of bad timing to people.

“It better fucking be.”

Yuuri turned to the stranger, a bit taken aback by the rather odd reply; it was a first for someone to say that.

“Sorry…?” He wasn’t sure if he heard the boy correctly. The teenager’s face was obscured by his black hood, the sleeves a distracting tiger pattern. The hunched posture suggested anger. If he was in any other neighborhood, he would have assumed he was going to be mugged, but Yuuri’s shop was settled between the elderly neighborhood and farms; a crime of being mugged was next to impossible in this particular section of the city. Nothing ever really happened here, banks weren't even found within 5 kilometers of his shop.

An arm raised up, and Yuuri was almost expecting to be punched before he realized that it was to gesture behind the youth. Hesitantly, he slanted to see a rather large and expensive, but familiar car.

“I’m here to pick you up, Victor’s busy fussing over stuff in the house like a stupid housewife. He's been saying 'Oh do you think he likes crystal or porcelain? How about tinted colours?', never shuts up.” he groaned.

It took a moment, but Yuuri recognized the glint of furious green “Yurio?”

“You don’t get to fucking call me that.” Yurio snapped, looking like he was about to say something else, but seemed to have decided against it “Just get in the fucking car, okay?”

Not wanting to provoke Yuri, he quickly retrieved his baked goods before he set himself in the car, besides Yuri.

The ride began uncomfortably quiet, watching out the window was a weak attempt to distract himself from the awkward atmosphere, a habit he needed to fix. The sound of sniffling eventually caught Yuuri’s attention, it seemed his box of shortbread had caught the attention of his company. He couldn’t help himself from smiling “Would you like some? I made a bit too much.” His offer was a suggestion for friendship.

Yuri stared at him, like he was trying to see through a trick before he stretched his hand out for some, quietly asking for some in his stubborn way of doing things. Yuuri gladly placed a few into the offered hand. It seemed after a few of his cookies, the tension dissipated. Despite their initial start, Yuuri and Yuri had bonded over the variations of russian foods and desserts, and even managed to joke before they finally arrived to the house.

“You better get in the house, Victor is probably waiting at the front of the door. Don’t do anything gross.” Yuri warned, eyes glancing to the entrance of the house.

“You’re not coming in?” Yuuri was a little disappointed, he was hoping they could have bonded a bit longer, they were about to discuss Yuri’s favorite dish his grandfather made for him last week.

“On other days I would, but I need to practice my skating routine before the season starts.” Yuri explained “I'm exiting the Junior levels of skating.”

“Oh,” Yuuri didn’t want to hear anymore about that “Work hard then.” His face stiffened, he tried his best to keep his smile on display, at least until Yuri was gone. With a held breath and slow exhale, Yuuri pushed his glasses up for clearer view and pushed himself to follow the path that led to the pristine door of a safer world.

* * *

With the help of Yuri, Victor managed to clean and organize the house from every visible corner. He knew that his house was already an elegant display of sophistication, but a little extra polishing never hurt. Especially if it was for Yuuri. Victor admitted that their entire relationship had an eccentric start, but he loved the uncertainty of Yuuri’s character, a man of a rare essence. He adored the way he lost himself in his company when Yuuri spoke, enjoying every bit he learned.

This fondness was hinted to be reciprocated; sometime after his initial attempts to attract Yuuri, their hands bumped against each other during tasks, fingers lingered over each other, and the press of lips on cheeks felt like an unspoken exchange of affection. A special kind of air was between them, but neither seemed to be quite willing to touch on it, to discuss what it meant, what could be.

After a long trip around the city, Victor had gathered everything he needed and anything that caught his eye, he was prepared for this day to go perfectly. In fact, he already planned an entire course of activities for tonight in case Yuuri wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. He sat with his back straight, primed for the day, even going as far as grooming Makkachin’s fur as he waited behind the door. His house bell rang, and Victor immediately grabbed the knob, slightly frustrated with the sudden flood of hesitancy. He was the world’s best seducer and somehow his fingers trembled, his chest boomed with excitement, and he was worried that perhaps he had misinterpreted their relationship. No matter how often they saw each other, Victor never stopped agonizing over the little things when it came to their dates.

“Yuuri, welcome!” He greeted, hoping his dress shirt and newly picked cologne appealed to Yuuri's palette, he recalled that Yuuri mentioned he enjoyed clean scents a gentle scent of citrus with warm hints of flowers last month, Victor only just mustered the courage to try out perfumes that followed the criteria.

The tight expression on Yuuri relaxed in response to his greeting, giving an unintentional coy smile “Yeah, thank you for inviting me again.” his voice was open and heartfelt, Victor’s heart trembled from his tone.

He met Victor’s gaze, his eyes appearing to be black in colour due to his lashes obscuring the light, looking over Victor’s clothing “You look nice.” He complimented, quickly distracted by Makkachin’s nudging for attention, indulging the adorable pet momentarily “But you’re the most attractive out of us all.” He snickered, rubbing the dog’s head, placing a chaste kiss on his head before he straightened back up.

A blushing man like him was hard to dislike, especially for Victor. He steadily traced Yuuri’s jaw with the tip of his hands, their mild height difference offered Victor enough arm length to reach his face, unable to resist his want to caress Yuuri's handsome expression he often carried; Soft dark eyes, and a strongly framed face with a shy smile, his voice a genuine comfort.

His fingers slid down to Yuuri’s chin to angle his head up, gathering his attention “Of course, I wanted to look nice, I need to look my best for you.” he dropped his hand when Yuuri’s expression became bashful, he provided him space.

“Should I come by more often then?” The change of tone caught Victor by surprise, Yuuri’s lips were curled to a teasing smirk, an almost erotic kind.

t tempted Victor to push Yuuri more, see more of that rare dominant personality in him. “Please do, if it’s possible.”

Victor led Yuuri to the living room, a tea set ready to be poured and served, sliced lemons an additional decoration. Makkachin happily retired in his bed in the unseen corner of the room.

“This time I thought we could resume our tea session.” he referred to their first encounter, when they didn’t really have the opportunity to enjoy tea together.

A chuckle escaped Yuuri “You sure you want to trust me with porcelain?” he set down the box he had been carrying on the table “I brought some shortbread, this time.” he revealed a pile of beautifully made crafted shortbread.

The clueless man clearly had no idea how much Victor resisted purchasing diamond studded tea bags, the porcelain was nothing compared to the list of items he was unable to gather, not because of the price, but because the delivery would take too long.

Victor admitted that purchasing fifty dozens of flowers was overkill, but every room needed at least a few flowers to impress his guest.

“The last set wasn’t important, it was a gift from one of my superficial sponsors. They quickly abandoned their ‘affections’ for me when I told them I had no desire to be with them.” he lightly explained, gesturing for Yuuri to take a seat across him on the velvet red couch

“That's terrible…”

“No need to feel that way, Yuuri. It was almost ten years ago, and I knew exactly what I was getting into. The cookies look delicious. Would you like to pour?” Victor wanted to focus more on their tea.

Inching closer to the table, Yuuri took the duty of preparing the tea, careful to avoid any damage that might befall on the current set of porcelain. The silence that took place was heavy, Victor glanced around, hoping for something to talk about. “It seems it might rain tonight.” he figured small talk would help pass the time as they waited for their tea to steep.

“I hope not.” Yuuri replied, realizing that his thoughts had escaped through his lips as words “Sorry.” he added, hoping to erase what he deemed as an accident, his ears tinted with red.

Yuuri reached for the teapot’s handle, surprised by Victor’s hand resting overtop, his instinctive reaction was to look for Victor’s face for an explanation.

“Yuuri,” his voice was soft, and it his eyes were so clear; seeing through him

“You don’t need to apologize.” his hand slowly pulled away, allowing Yuuri to continue.

“Rather, I enjoy getting to know you.” Victor flashed a direct smile  “Hopefully the temperatures keep being mild, summer always tends to be a bit too much for my body. I have a theory that I’m weak to the heat because of my upbringing in colder Russia.”

The teapot was tilted, pouring the steamed tea into their cups, surprising Yuuri with its deep blue colour.

“Early summer isn’t bad, warm nights remind me of my family’s bathhouse.” his voice was tugged with chuckles “I remember this one time, a drunk man was paying to eat katsudon in the evening, using the worst pick up lines on my sister and I. When he was done, he gave us each one of his shoes before he stumbled out the house.”

Victor shared a smile, swept up by Yuuri’s amusement “That does sound amusing, did he ever return?”

“No, he likely never remembered or he was too embarrassed to face us. I don’t blame him.”

“I’m thankful, It seems I don’t have competition.” Victor winked when Yuuri looked at him with surprise, reveling in the lovely sprinkle of colour on his face. Strangely though, Yuuri didn’t reply, he merely stared down at the ground, seeming to ponder on his next words. The silence that arose unnerved Victor.

Yuuri cleared his voice “Do you remember when I told you… I wanted to figure skate?”

“How could I forget?”

Dark eyes met Victor’s before retreating back to the table “On the day I was supposed to leave to study in Detroit, my sister was...” he set down the teapot, taking an unsteady breath “My sister was ran over by a car, so I turned back.”

Yuuri picked up his tea, resting it on his lap, allowing it to cool “After that… I stayed to support my sister during her recovery. After a while she could move again with physiotherapy, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave her.” a humourless smile spread on his face, he settled with staring down into his tea “Sorry, I guess that was too soon, I don’t even know why I brought it up.” his hands cradled his cup, he was embarrassed for sharing unwanted information, for ruining the mood.

“No, I’m glad you told me.” Victor assured, touched that Yuuri had felt comfortable with Victor to share a  more intimate part of his past. Before, he had been unable to name this feeling towards Yuuri. Now that it had grown with every exchange of words, he understood it better; Yuuri was someone he cared for. Slowly, he leaned forward, reaching for his now warm tea to bring it to his lips, and the slightly bitter fluid allowed him to gather his thoughts, cold porcelain as the aftertaste.

“I've spent so much time on the ice from a young age…so much so, I can't recall anything excitable in my life outside of it.” He took another sip, his wrist felt shaky, but he pressed on, wanting to also share a part of himself. If he had to share his real thoughts and emotions, Yuuri was the only one who he trusted so much “Truth is, my original passion had disappeared when I won my first Grand Prix gold. Everything afterwards was a race to find strands of passion, a reason to continue skating. It worked, for a time, lying to myself, winning 4 more golds as a result.” He set his tea back to the table to refill it, he offered Yuuri a smile to help cheer his fallen face.

“Being at the top is fun when you’ve just achieved it. There's a moment of fulfillment, where you realize that there is no mistake. You are talented, better than the rest, no doubt left when the world celebrates your victory. It's brief, like the life of a firefly; you reach the top, your soul sparkles like a gem in that moment before it fades, and grows cold. The delight of winning becomes a chore.” Victor turns to Yuuri, his eyes were an endless dip of the ocean. "Victory itself, is bittersweet and superficial when you have no one. Skating was my joy, at least from the start, making so many friends of colourful backgrounds. It was fun, but being at the top created a drift between us. Eventually, we became strangers.” Victor dropped a piece of lemon in his tea, watching its sapphire hue melt into a soft lavender “I'm sure many are quite happy with my current situation. Probably wishing I never skate again.” He could remember those moments of rejection, their words telling him that they wished he would stumble and fall one day, some asked if he prevented them from winning gold out of spite.

One particular person whom he thought he loved even said they hoped he would disappear from the world, his lover who looked at him with disdain, because their entire career was overshadowed by his talent. Victor played it off as mild bumps at the surface, a small price for his place on the podium. He held in everything until he got home to his empty apartment, offering him the privacy to cry and time to accept this reality. It was after that day, he decided that he was satisfied with being alone. “I find myself wondering if skating was the right path, if it was worth causing so much trouble in my life.”

The table shook, Yuuri’s cup spilt on the polished oak when he stood up, face completely taken over by the obvious heart break “That's not true! I-I would have been devastated, without you I would have never wanted to skate in front of the world!” His voice cracked and ripped, hitting Victor with the heavy grief the words carried. The voice died down, to a desperate whisper “Please, don't ever say that, like it's better for you to be gone. It isn't, at least not to me.” His eyes were intense, they spoke the loudest, gleaming with tears before spilling down his sincere face, openly expressing sadness for him. “Seeing you skate for the first time gave me purpose, a splash of colour in my uncertain life as a child. I wanted to be your equal.”

Originally, the plan had been to openly have tea while maintaining a calm atmosphere. Victor had never anticipated for this intense topic; he gestured for Yuuri to take a seat, the tips of his fingers touched Yuuri’s cheeks before sliding to cup his face, his thumb clearing away a tear when he calmed. Nothing came to mind that seemed appropriate to say, instead, Victor settled with silence. Comforting others was not a practiced skill he had, unfortunately.

Yuuri’s face did not relax, it tensed and his expression became a frown. After a few moment his voice was stable again as he blinked away his watered eyes “Aren’t you the one who needs the comfort?” he pointed out, reading his gestures with ease. His hand greeted Victor’s after removing it from his face, fingers interlocked.

It took a moment, but Victor realized that his own body had betrayed him; living away from the media for the past while had made him rusty at covering his honest feelings, his expression was bitter from the built of pain over the years of setting aside his personal thoughts, his composure was destroyed by Yuuri’s words. The gentle nature of Yuuri’s broke him, stepping over pieces of him, pushing his urge to cry more than he was used to. “Not really.” Victor tried to smile, his emotions interfered and it accidentally turned into something more honest and raw.

“Victor, how can I help?” Yuuri asked, his tone giving it away that he knew the answer already. He was waiting for Victor to ask for it, so that Victor had control and space.

Shaky breaths were taken, Victor understood what he needed, he was terrified of admitting it.

Yuuri returned to his feet to calmly take a seat beside him, no longer seeming as confrontational, but more supportive. Despite the close proximity, Yuuri did not touch him.

“Should I leave?” His words shattered through the fragile quietness, falling through the ground.

Victor shook his head, gradually relaxing the weight of his head over Yuuri’s shoulder before he allowed himself to lean, resting his eyes. Yuuri also rested his head over Victor. Both spoiled each other by their wordless reassurance. Victor could almost hear it, the low rumble and slight shake of a train, the memory of his first train ride was mildly blotched but still clear. It was when he consistently kept his hair a short length, barely three feet tall. Most of the time he rested on his mother’s lap, her braiding his hair a gentle reminder that he was safe, it had been too long since he felt this sense of security with another.

“I named my dog after you. I was still a kid when it happened.” Yuuri mumbled, close enough for Victor to hear.

A refreshing laugh escaped him, lifting his head so his chin rested instead, facing Yuuri “Did you have a crush on me from that age?” he couldn’t help teasing, he wished the day would never end so he could learn more about Yuuri’s past, to know how far he affected him.

The hint of embarrassment rose in Yuuri’s cheeks, and he breathed sharply through his nose “I did.” his eyes flickering with something entrancing.

“How about now?” he whispered, asking if it was something more now that they had become each other’s personal company.

Yuuri’s cheeks reddened further, his breath catching in his throat, “...It could be something more, I suppose.” he acknowledged through clumsy words. It was the answer Victor secretly desired, the dull part of his soul began to pulse with a craving for Yuuri. His passion revived,  and he was unable to stop himself from leaning closer, his right arm hold himself up on the couch. Eventually, he was hovering over Yuuri, his breath calm while his heart threatened to exhaust itself, racing to the finish line of this moment, to seal it and confirm his affections to be mutually returned.

Yuuri’s expression was dazed, but it wasn’t quite surprise, this moment of time was being written down in his head. “Will you stay for tonight?” Victor asked quietly, foreheads touching with his hair trickling above Yuuri’s cheek. The world seemed to darken from existence, the only thing of importance was this moment, and he waited for the drawn out answer.

“Yes.” Yuuri answered with equal heat. Victor’s thoughts wondered if Yuuri had ever shown this side to others, if it was fair of him to ask Yuuri to stay.

A rough hand grabbed the back of his neck and guided him down. Lips slowly closed together, meeting for the first time in a tender movement. They burned from touch, while tongue was never introduced Victor’s body felt the most lightened and tingly he had ever experienced. Never before had he desired to feel someone closer with such an innocent gesture out of all available choices. Desperately, Victor wanted slip his tongue in, peel their clothes and offer to pepper kisses over Yuuri. He refrained, this moment was too precious, he wanted to keep it sweet and pure, an experience he never had before. It was odd, he felt like his first kiss had been taken, despite having experience in all sorts of kisses. If he could, Victor would have given all his firsts to Yuuri, a man with endearing honesty.

When Victor pulled away his face slightly warm when he registered what had occurred.“Keep your eyes on me.” Yuuri demanded, as he reached for Victor’s face. The strong hand was tenderly stroking his cheek before resting on his temple “Victor?” Yuuri’s face drained of warmth, and it became soaked with concern.

“What is it?” Victor hoped Yuuri wasn’t thinking that this had been a mistake, this moment of intimacy was feeding his love starved heart, he wasn’t sure if he could survive rejection; the very thought of hit drowned him in dizziness. In slow motion, he watched Yuuri reply as his eyes grew with concern.

  
“I think you have fever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BEEEP BEEP.
> 
> Have some cold medicine.
> 
> If there are any errors, pls let me know, I was not at my 100% when this was edited, and apologize in advance.


	5. Verum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst train has set for it's course. So buckle up readers!
> 
> Also, its 3 am, and I wanted to finish the chapter as soon as possible as I am on a tight schedule so please excuse any errors you see

It’s usually the most ordinary or peculiar humans that end up being someone’s important friend or lover. Once you get to know them, they glow with beauty and grace, there’s a special kind of air around them. These bonds change and adapt when time continues to flow, the people change and so does the relationship, sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worst. Yuuri was unable to place exactly what his relationship with Victor was, he wasn’t even sure of the nature of it. Ideally, the category would be romantic, but Victor had not vocally expressed what they were, and Yuuri didn’t have the fearlessness to ask. Thinking on it now, categories and labels was a subjective kind of thinking. Organizing helps by providing a feeling of belonging, it wipes away the feeling of being lost, but Yuuri was oddly content without those labels for now. He enjoyed the direction he they were heading, a slow transition into something else, outside of his anxiety telling him that he was misunderstanding their relationship. They did just kiss, so that meant something, right?

“Yuuri,” Victor whined, pointing to his open lips “Feed me.”

Yuuri had nearly forgotten what he was doing beside Victor’s bed, with a fruit tart in his lap, and a feverish Victor demanding to be spoon fed dessert. It wasn’t like he would refuse to a sick person’s request, plus this was less intimate than when he kissed Victor. Yes, it was short and sweet, but it took a lot of courage, and strength to carry his feelings with the action. It was the first time he was ever so assertive with someone, it was almost like he overloaded from Victor’s company that his timidness shut off and something more confidant took place.

“Sorry,” he quickly scooped up one of the miniature desserts, covered with strawberries, and offered it to Victor’s lips. As Victor happily ate from his hand, Yuuri reflected on the events that led him to nurse the russian man back to health.

On the night of their soulfelt kiss, Yuuri received a call from Yuri Plisetsky, asking him to care for the older russian man until the next night. Apparently the young man was meeting a famous Prima Ballerina for the entire day and needed Yuuri to babysit Victor. Yuri had left one set of instructions; watch Victor for the day. While he would have preferred a bit more time to collect himself from their kiss, Victor was sick and Yuuri could bring himself to set aside his embarrassment to care of him.

He thankful that it was the city’s anniversary today. Outside of the City Council, people were encouraged to take the day off to celebrate, otherwise Yuuri wouldn’t have been able to care for Victor. Despite it being only 3 hours so far of taking care of Victor, he was already quite exhausted and surprised by the needy nature of Victor.

On a more selfish note, Yuuri wanted to show that he was a good caretaker; to delicately enhance Victor’s opinion of him, which totally wasn’t the reason why he brought over some fruit tarts. Fruit tarts were a good source of fruit while it keeps the sweet custard from becoming too overpowering, it was one of Yuuri’s favourite pastries.

When Victor finished his snack, Yuuri quickly wiped his hand before grabbing a glass of chilled water and medicine to offer to his sick patient. Cheeks puffed, arms crossed, and a silver head shook their head stubbornly “No, I don’t need medicine.”

Victor’s entire face was blotched with pink, his movement slow, and his breath was short from coughing “Victor, your temperature is hot, I want you take some medicine, it'll help with the fever.”

“No you’re hot, and I want you.” Victor’s fingers mimicked guns and shot at him, he smirked as his nose dripped.

Yuuri blinked several times before he replied weakly “Um… Okay.” he took a moment to keep himself from becoming flustered. He tried again “Besides me, what can I do for you to take the medicine?”

“Tell me a story.” Victor murmured, eyes staring intensely at his face, his arm reaching out to pinch Yuuri’s sleeve.

Yuuri nodded “Okay.” He wasn’t a storyteller, in fact, he never really spent much time with children altogether.

When Yuuri watched Victor happily take his pills and water, he immediately dragged his blanket up to his neck and nestled further into his bed, his eyes remained glued to his caretaker’s face as he patted on the side of his bed. Yuuri took the seat on the bed and thought of a story from his childhood to bring up. None of it seemed to really match to what Victor might find interesting, instead, he settled with something more personal through metaphorical storytelling. Many of Japan’s stories were subtle with their lessons and stories.

A small breath was taken, preparing to tell a bigger story. He started with something simple “A young boy was born voiceless in a small town, the people there were mostly elderly so nothing really happened there.” Boring person, boring city, boring life. Stories usually need something that causes a divergence in the ‘regular life’ of the protagonist “Despite his silent personality, the boy had so much he wanted to say, to find, and to learn, but he hadn’t found his voice yet.” Yuuri paused to observe Victor, he eyes glittered with interest “Did he die a boring life? Did a princess need his help?” Victor gasped “Was I the princess?”

Yuuri shook his head no, and Victor groaned in disappointment before he mumbled for Yuuri to continue with his story.

“He liked to take nightly walks when the town was asleep, immersing himself with the noise of the crickets, but that wasn’t the reason for his walks; he was looking for his voice.” Everyone had a calling in life, something that made them work hard to the future. When someone is unable to find meaning, it’s hard to grow and experience the joys in life when a person is lost. It’s lonely. Yuuri grew up feeling alone until he found it, the thing that sparked something in his soul, calling to him.

“One day, the bugs were dead quiet. The boy understood why when he left the house.” A warm smile slipped in his expression, remembering the first time he witnessed ice skating. “There was a shooting star, swirling and playing around the night sky. Almost as if it was dancing. Everything had been quiet because of the star’s refusal to remain still and unnoticed among the many others. The star didn’t die, instead, it quickly escaped to the other side of the world.” When Yuuri found his calling, he clung to it, dedicating his time to sharpen his skills.  “That brief moment transformed the boy, he wanted to follow the star, to join it. In a way, he witnessed a secret no one else knew of. The star never appeared again, but the boy had changed despite never speaking up. He pushed forward with his life, experiencing joy, sadness, anger, and fear while believing that the star would appear again in his life.” Yuuri paused, he noticed the relaxed expression of Victor’s and decided to go further along into the story, he might as well finish the story. Unfinished stories were a pet peeve of Yuuri’s, the unrevealed conclusions always annoyed him to no end.

“Then he collapsed, his family had faded away from his neglect. Grief overtook him.” Yuuri almost felt rain dripping around him when he turned his back from the airport, remembering vividly of his choices. “Despite his change in character, he was still that quiet boy, but with nothing left, this time. No home, no family.” Yuuri forced himself to finish the rest “So for the final time, he closed his eyes, he saw the star again. It was slightly withered from its unstoppable dance. It was only then, when it was late, that time had stolen his efforts.” Yuuri stopped, Victor was asleep, but that hadn’t been the reason for pausing his story “The man, no longer a boy, had wasted his life while he should have spent his life with more purpose.”

Yuuri stared down at the floor for a minute before it turned into several minutes, Makkachin was the one who sensed his rise in his pensive mood, and nudged him gently to distract him. His expression must have been rigid with heavy emotions to have worried Victor’s canine. The kindness was needed, and Yuuri happily accepted it. He decided to take the dog out for a walk while Victor slept away his fever to offer the man well needed peace and quiet. He scribbled a note beside Victor’s bedside to notify that he was out walking his dog on the low chance of waking up before he returned. Yuuri needed to go grocery shopping anyway if he were to properly feed Victor.

Makkachin bounces up and down, twirling in excitement as Yuuri readied his shoes and grabbed the bright red leash that hung amongst other keys on the hangers. On his way out the door, it was impossible to ignore the nearly endless hall of gold medals, all polished and framed for what they proudly represented. Victory. Being the best figure skater in the world. With every gold, stood behind a photo of Victor going through the various stages of life. He started young, with his lengthy silver hair, growing older, a certain glow of life in him dimmed a little with every year, ending with a mature adult with faded eyes. He readied Makkachin’s leash and quietly exited the house. With a strong grip on the leash, Yuuri contemplated his unlabeled, messy relationship with Victor.

They weren’t idol and fan anymore, that had faded many weeks ago. At first he was afraid of Victor of seeing his flaws and shortcomings, seeing how terribly plain he was with his weak personality to a person so perfect. He was wrong. Victor wasn’t perfect, he was gentlemanly, patient, and warm, but terribly airheaded, and blunt to the point of being unable to read the situation. The light turned red and the signal to walk flashed on, he followed the path into the park, busy with playful children, parents, and harmless little animals.

Last week, for example, he had been busy stressing over a relatively large number of orders all due on the same day. Victor had told Yuuri he wouldn’t come by for a while as an attempt to comfort him.

The mess that ensued was chaotic, he was wrecked with hurt and Victor struggled to undo the damage with offers of kisses and money as an attempt to alleviate his grief, only worsening it with his poor choice of words.

Yuuri couldn’t help but laugh at it now, the whole situation had been ridiculously blown out of proportion. As much as the media painted him a social and sexual connoisseur, Victor really needed to work on his problem solving and communication. Makkachin glanced behind him to ensure that he was alright before he continued to lead him down the path before stopping in front of a newly implemented bench, a suggestion for Yuuri to take a break. Easing himself on the stable wood. With the stillness and peacefulness of the air, Yuuri thought back on his story, unsure which part was a metaphor and which was not to his life. He was trying to figure out what he was exactly trying to portray with his poor storytelling.

He was the voiceless boy, Victor was the star, and Yuuri gave up on his dreams to join Victor on ice. “God I hope he doesn’t remember anything.” he sighed, covering his face to cool and rub off the embarrassment that collected on the skin of cheeks. He was baffled as to why he made the error of revealing more about himself that what was appropriate. Yuuri prayed Victor’s fever would erase the memory of his story, it had unexpectedly became much more intimate than he was comfortable with.

* * *

There are vestiges of Yuuri’s soft voice telling an unfamiliar tale about a star and boy before everything was a spinning blur into sleep, the oddly smooth voice disappearing from his consciousness. Old waning memories were called into his dreams; his mother whispering an old lullaby, his father tucking him in bed, and the sound of whistling wind against his window all made him feel safe. Suddenly the presence of his father and mother disappeared like smoke, a soft of sensation brushed his own lips. Victor knew who it was, and he was calmed by the tenderness of the kiss, gesture had been so delicate and careful. It was difficult to distrust this man, he wanted to trust him. Victor wanted to trust Yuuri so he could finally confess of his troubles, his lies, and regrets. He knew that when he spills all of his troubles, regrets, and lies, he would need someone to help with the emptiness.

_Yuuri… There’s so much I need to say. So little I can do._

It was the crash of a bird against his window that startled him awake.

Being ripped away from a deep sleep while feverish always slowed down a person’s ability to become aware that they had been asleep, where they were, and what had happened before sleeping. It took Victor an embarrassing amount of time to realize what had happened. Yuuri had been hand feeding him as per requested, Victor had to fight off the urge to ask for more when he noticed Yuuri was uncomfortable, and then he asked for a story in exchange for taking medicine. He cursed himself, he should have asked to cuddle with Yuuri, or even a kiss. While Yuuri had surprised Victor with their kiss, Victor couldn’t help but wonder what they were exactly. ‘Friends’ didn’t fit with the evidence; they kissed, flirted, and sometimes share intimate sides of each other. ‘Lovers’ seemed like a more appropriate label, but somehow, that didn’t seem right either.

Friendship was his original goal, but Victor understood that was never what he honestly desired. He had always been a sentimental romantic, it shouldn’t have surprised him that he fell for Yuuri’s boyish charm. The way Yuuri carried his charisma and alluring appearance with modesty, completely unaware that Victor was entranced by him.

Yuuri’s story was a bit muddled in his memories despite Victor’s attempts to memorize every word. Victor attempted to retell the story to himself. There was a boy that foolishly chased a star, it didn’t work out, and it seemed like the boy regretted chasing it, but something about the story was obscured in terms of finality, his death didn’t fit with the rest of the abstract story. Then again, the story could have easily been altered by his feverish state of mind. The last time he had such a large fever, he hallucinated that Sherlock Holmes and John Watson were inspecting his room, treating the scene as a murder scene when he was clearly alive. Chances are, Yuuri had told a different story and Victor mixed it up. It did beg a question however, did the story carry some truth that reflected a part of Yuuri Victor had yet to uncover? If so, what did Victor not know yet? Yuuri had already revealed his dreams of joining him on ice, before he turned away to be there for his family due to the crisis of his sister’s accident. Did something happen afterwards?

The ambiguity was throwing Victor’s thoughts everywhere, he didn’t know what path of reasons were correct. He wanted to ask Yuuri, but hesitated; he had no idea how to present the question without unintentionally cornering him and scaring him off. Victor had never mastered the ability to gently transition into questions and criticism, he was blunt and sometimes cruel with his words. Doing that to Yuuri scared him, but he knew that asking him would have to com around eventually.

Staring at the wall with his thoughts dancing around his head wasn’t his favorite past time, but his limbs felt like lead, and his bones a jello consistency, plus no one was home and he needed rest. Victor was thankful though, Yuuri was focused solely on him today; the attention was nice. Yes, it was selfish to use his current situation as an excuse to spend time with Yuuri, but he really did need someone to take care of him while his cousin was away. Why not ask the person he was close with?

He was disappointed in himself for sleeping in for most of the day, Victor had no idea what time it was. His phone was across the room on his table, his laptop was dried of battery, and alarm clocks were not needed in his room. Not knowing the time bothered Victor, it gave him less in control of his life, and his fever prevented him from getting out of bed and into his wheelchair. Before he thought of calling for Yuuri in case he returned, the door slowly opened. Makkachin first appeared, trotting past the doors and onto his bed, snuggling against his chest.

A familiar head peeked through, Yuuri sheepishly glanced inside and brightened when he saw Victor had awoken “Victor! Are you feeling any better?” he must have noticed the way Victor’s red face had lightened. The heavy buzz of sickness and heat had mostly settled, and everything was less dizzy “Yes, the medicine seemed to have actually helped. I feel much better.” the way Yuuri’s face flushed with relief made it impossible to fight off the urge to smile for his caretaker, it was warming to see someone worry so much.

“You know, since I’m better, you don’t have to waste time with me any longer.” Victor wanted Yuuri to stay, but he knew Yuuri needed to prepare his shop for tomorrow and take care of other errands he likely had.

“Just because you’re better now doesn’t mean the fever won’t worsen.” Yuuri pointed out as he entered the room with what looked like a plate of hot food. “I figured some hot chicken soup and boiled vegetables would help with recovery.”

“That’s awfully thoughtful Yuuri, I never knew you were an excellent cook.” Victor immediately began to devour the lovingly prepared meal. The chicken was tender and seasoned to perfection, the vegetables were soft and easy to chew and swallow. This moment of domesticity was a welcome change of Victor’s usual life of bored tv, novels, and the occasional outing. It promised something more stable, he had never felt so overwhelmed by such simple gestures before.

“Yuuri, why did you quit skating?” Victor wanted to hit himself for the out of place question, he wanted to ask about their relationship. To ask what they were and confirm that they were a freshly formed couple that was still a bit awkward. Plus, Victor had a feeling he had been given the answer to this question already.

The pause Yuuri gave caught Victor’s attention more than words would have. The expression on the well sculpted face was placid, his eyes hardened and it seemed that Yuuri thought Victor was asking for a deeper explanation. Victor had unintentionally treaded on premature territory that Yuuri was clearly unprepared to share with him. Before he could withdraw his question and blame it on his sickness, he was given a quiet answer that left him wordless.

“I guess… If you really want to know. I can’t really forgive myself for what I did when my family needed me.”

Words of comfort were not a suitable approach to Yuuri’s answer. Being unable to get out of bed left Victor with no choice except to watch Yuuri withdraw himself from him, it was the only thing he was allowed to do. Leaving Victor alone with his thoughts. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story: Yesterday I was reading fanfiction, and Yuuri and Victor were about to kiss before my phone died. I cried out NOOOOOoo (I was in my room with no one in the house so my cries of agony were unheard thankfully) 
> 
> This chapter was shorter than usual, I'm sorry, but my story outline needs it to be short since this chapter is a big step into Yuuri's real reasons for leaving behind everything.
> 
> Next chapter is due to be on the 25/26 of February 2017 (next week from today)
> 
> Drop a comment if you can!


	6. Cogitatio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had trouble writing this, I don't think I've ever done so much research and effort to describe certain expressions... Yeah, this is going to be a huge angsty chapter, so brace yourself. Thanks for reading and leaving comments, I'm happily surprised by the rise in comments. I appreciate it a lot guys and I hope this chapter will meet your expectations.
> 
> Some lovely fanart from the SERIOUSLY TALENTED ARTIST Saniika(Seriously though, I was emotionally moved by the beauty of her impecible talent for detail):  
> Chapter 2 of Remissio  
> http://saniika.tumblr.com/post/157543897569/you-dont-have-to-lie-his-voice-was-calm-when
> 
> http://saniika.tumblr.com/post/157587792674/being-raised-to-be-polite-to-all-had-its-ups-and

The morning was cloudy, the sun was a grey pearl behind them, and it seemed the birds were not in the mood to cheerily sing their usual routine. In other words, it was a rather drained day. Victor took the day in stride, texting Yuuri a ‘Good Morning’, aware that the response may take from a minute to several hours; he didn’t mind, Yuuri could take all the time he needed to reply. Victor’s day started when the sun began to push through the dreariness of the weather by tackling one of his newer hobbies; knitting. Admittedly, it was frustrating at the start since his scarves somehow always turned into triangles until he finally corrected his clumsy mistakes. This time, he decided to take it slow with his hobby, this was a gift for someone after all.

It was peaceful up until the point where his cousin entered the room and threw himself on the empty side of the bed, a trail of cursing followed. At first he had been startled but Victor quickly deducted the cause for Yuri’s irritated mood “Otabek cancelled?” he inquired, the crease in his cousin’s expression answered the question.

It was understood that teenagers undergo emotional turbulence during their transition into adulthood. Yuri was normally rambunctiously loud and vulgar, when he was quiet, something would be seriously amiss, a more serious issue would be at hand. “Are you okay?” Victor cautiously asked, tempted to peer over to get a front view of his cousin’s expression instead of the side covered by his bangs. Otabek and Yuri had just become close friends, and Yuri always had patience when it came to him, but it became evident that he was bothered by their cancelled meeting.

“He got injured during practice over at home. I told him to cancel.” Yuri mumbled, allowing Makkachin to jump beside him. Now he understood. Being from different parts of the world made things difficult for competitive skaters to meet outside of seasons since most serious skaters would spend their precious time practicing routines; Otabek and Yuri had been planning to visit each other for weeks and now that their reunion was sabotaged by bad timing, it was unlikely that they’d be able to reschedule.

Disappointment was what Yuri was experiencing. “You know, you’ll see each other in a few more weeks.” he tried to approach his cousin with the only kindness he knew of.

“That's not the problem!” Yuri snapped, Makkachin jerker from the sudden sharpness in his voice. He quieted down when the poodle jumped off the bed, taking a slow inhale of air to cool his escalated fury, he seemed to have recognized Victor’s attempt at comforting him.

“We’re supposed to be friends and we haven't seen each other in weeks.”

Victor stared at Yuri thoughtfully, “There’s always video chatting.” He suggested, forcing himself to sit properly while setting aside his side project of needles and yarn, giving his undivided attention to his cousin.

“Right, cause he doesn't need rest at all.” Yuri grumbled sarcastically, but it was too soft to contain any real malice, he was just embarrassed he hadn’t thought of that. Teeth clicked and Yuri got to his feet “I'm just gonna head out, Yakov sent me something over to pick up. Probably some gross old music.”

The corner of his lips tugged upwards. Yakov only ever sent packages if it was for the ice “Picking your routine music?” The previous time he chatted with his coach regarding themes and music was so long ago. The hand barely turned the knob before stopping “Depends.” Yurio didn't turn around, he was planted where he was, stiff and dismissive.

“Think you’ll recover enough to choreograph something?” The question was a purposeful jab.

Victor looked away from him, his hands clenching the edges of his blankets, a slight tremble among his fingers. He gathered enough composure and replied “Maybe...” Victor wasn't one to cross off possibilities. To return to the ice hadn’t really appeared in his thoughts. The mood of the room had become heavy and thick with unspoken resentment and stubbornness.

Yuri’s breathing grew in anger “If you can't give a fucking answer at this point, don't bother at all.” His cousin spat, and slammed the door behind as he left. Victor didn't have any reason to defend himself, his cousin had been justified with his words and emotions. Yuri was young and healthy, more than ready to exit the junior league. He had promised Yuri years ago that he would choreograph a routine for him, which would be exceedingly difficult if he were in a wheelchair. It just wasn’t possible or fair for either of them. While the guilt of breaking that promise tugged his conscious, it was a blessing in disguise to know he would never be able to set foot on ice as long as he depended on a wheelchair for mobility. Finally, he could focus on his personal life and remain unseen by the media; he could breathe.

Ice skating was something Victor would always love, it made him who he was and was grateful for the gift he was given, but all of that devotion was dried up now. _Stay Close to Me,_ his final performance had squeezed what little strength he had left in his soul, any more strain and he would bleed for the ice. Victor had  used the only thing he had left for his last program; longing and solitude.

There was so much he craved regarding life and love, he was behind everyone in those regards. Skating made him empty, without skating he was empty, but he at least had the choice to change that. It was the only choice he had, skating wasn't a possibility for his future anymore. Despite his routine being based off of his lonely emotions and thoughts, the world had completely turned a blind eye to his message, showering him with attention and expectancy to surprise them again. He was a Pierrot to the audience, someone who would entertain and dance for others until his legs shattered and strings snap. A once, willing patron for his fans, until his soul had become stretched and withered from his constant travail for an endlessly hungry group of people that gave him nothing in return.

Yuri wasn't obligated to stay just because they were family, especially with Victor’s useless state. The start of a new season was fast approaching, and Yuri had grown tired of waiting helplessly. It seemed his cousin was beginning to realize his career was better off without him, Victor was extra baggage dragging him behind others who had the sky as their limit.

Makkachin returned back to the bed, offering Victor to snuggle with him if needed, already used to seeing Victor’s sullen mood. He took the dog in a stride, stroking down the dog’s neck and back, the choking sensation in his chest slowed with the mild distraction and sense of company. Once again, his dog saved him from his loneliness. With his dog as a stabilizer in his life, Victor reiterated to himself to what he deemed a truth _“I'm content, I'm happy, I can live like this.”_

He needed to be happy otherwise the reality of his situation would crash down on him, forcing him to see how futile his choices were, throwing him in despair while expecting him to learn how to breathe it in.

The faint buzz by his bedside and flutter of harps signaled a text message. It was blessed interference to distract Victor. Yuuri must have had something important to say if he was texting  after his lunch break. Victor pulled his phone closer, eagerly reading the following message that tore through his fleeting moment of escape, the heaviness of each word drowned him in agitation:

**From: Yakov**

 

**Yuri sent me a message earlier. Mostly a bunch of incomprehensible insults about you. Are you retiring?**

 

A sigh escaped him when he read the contact name, Victor tossed his phone beside his pooch, the screen fading back to sleep mode. He knew ignoring Yakov was not optional under these circumstances, at least not for a long, his ex coach would likely take a plane to his house to give him an earful if he failed to reply. What he needed, was a moment to ponder an appropriate response, something his coach would understand and accept. However, no matter what direction he followed, he could predict the response; Yakov would reject his thoughts of leaving the skating world permanently.

**To: Yakov**

 

**Yurio has you, so it shouldn't matter if I end up retiring.**

 

Victor's thumb quickly pressed ‘send’ so hesitation wouldn't catch on, he prayed Yakov had forgotten to switch on notifications to avoid having to reply again, he had no idea how many hits of text messages he could withstand. After several minutes he was disappointed with being proved wrong by the return of his phone’s ring. It didn't hurt to assume that it was Yuuri. The pacing of his heart accelerated, pumping his body with adrenaline as a fruitless attempt to escape his torment.

**From: Yakov**

 

**I understand it’s not easy to get back to skating, but therapy is optional, you can still undo this terrible mistake.**

 

Pushy as always.It was difficult to hate a man that spoke with heart, and Yakov had good intentions, yet this was not enough to change his mind on taking time off. Time was limited, and Victor understood age would catch up with him soon since the career span of a skater was fleeting, but he wasn't sure it was worth salvaging what time he had left when he knew what was awaiting him at the top of the podium. A cold, inanimate metal that would adorn his neck, greeting him with it’s heavy weight.

**To: Yakov**

 

**Please stop texting me Yakov. I’m happier like this, I know fully well what I’m doing.**

 

Victor switched his phone off to prevent a reply from reaching him, at least until his emotions pacified from their chaotic tumble of conflict. All he wanted was to sever the strings of the ice world from his current life, he didn’t want to be reminded that his greatest joy had been tainted and stolen from him, that the ice was no longer a place of solace for his heart. All he could do to calm his heartbeat was bury himself under his sheets like a child, the close space bringing a false sense of safety to take over.

Deep breaths were taken, his loyal pet nuzzled into his side once it caught wind of his rising aggravation. Pressing his face into his pillow helped, the soft scent of laundry mixed with the soft warmth of his bed successfully pacified his storming emotions, but his thoughts remained destructive. He tried smiling, but his wrinkled smile and tight throat signaled failure and the realization finally broke him.

The closed space under his blanket was comforting before he crumbled, now it was suffocating him with the darkness, it was a prison. Eventually he had to turn on his back to tear off the blanket, to clear the loathing in his head. He was reminded of his location when light pooled around him; a largely empty room within a large empty mansion with windows and doors that offered no exit. The light was a comfort to his racing thoughts, but they only slowed for him to feel how deep his ache had grown, how much his body and soul craved to perform on the ice and the euphoria he experienced when telling stories through body language.

Victor had to refuse to admit he was unhappy; there was no more obsessive gossip, and no need to lie about his honest feelings anymore; he could finally embrace his truthful desires and attain them. If he wasn't happy, what was all of his work for then? This new life needed to work for him.

Despite the newfound freedom, no matter what path he took, loneliness would be the only thing to welcome him in the future. The people he thought of as friends were focused with their careers-- as they should be, and his remaining family was already caught up by the call of the ice. Yuri and Victor had never been particularly close, it was likely due to the large age difference and the delicate period of puberty the younger was experiencing. In addition, with Victor’s dying passion for the ice and Yuri’s growing ambition for it, it was difficult to get along, especially after he broke his promise to choreograph a program for him.  Victor had no right to deny his cousin the joy of self discovery on the ice.

The bittersweet nature of his life was inescapable. There was a chance of finding happiness with Yuuri, but there was a strong possibility that he would be disappointed in who Victor was without ice. The controversy of his situation dragged him with guilt and denial, it was hard to hold back his laughter “I don't know what to do.”  He was selfish enough to ask for forgiveness for turning his back on the ice, but he was more afraid of the answer he'd receive if the world knew of the truth. His chest grew with burden, stinging with the lies he told himself and to the world. No one would understand, why would they? The regret filled him, and before he could realize it, tears escaped his opened eyes. Crying wasn’t something he commonly gave in to, nothing in his life was that valuable to him to induce tears. Of course he’d cry over ice skating; the only home he knew of before it was stolen and tainted by the world.

He loved skating, but the cost of it had destroyed him, and now he was lost.

* * *

Things were normal between them once Victor’s fever settled, with time, they had gotten closer after a few distant days of Yuuri forgetting the events that had taken place. Fingers would purposely brush against each other, eyes would lock, and sometimes a kiss would follow, away from disapproving eyes of course. To be with Victor was a dream, getting to know him was even better. The facade of Victor’s public personality quickly melted away and revealed a real person, someone tangible as he was.

When their intimate moments arose, he couldn't help but pull away when their moments together escalated to more curious touching; it was foreign and intimidating to suddenly become so vulnerable to someone, it was like his personal feelings and space were being invaded. Victor didn’t mind though, he seemed content without pushing him into things, even if their relationship was incredibly slow paced. As per his routine, he cleaned his kitchen and cafe up before he closed, bidding Minami a good rest of the day before retiring back to his living spaces.

Before, Victor's appearance was previously daunting, perhaps humiliating even, because of what he reminded him of. The accident and what followed after. It took a bit of time to get past it, but Victor had become someone he care deeply for after a few visitations because the Victor he idolized and the Victor he knew were separate people, Yuuri was fond of the real one. Even if he was poor at communication. Yuuri was able to claim he was happy now, especially with Victor as part of his life.

With their particularly intimate relationship, Yuuri couldn't help but notice a hidden part of Victor he had yet to unravel. Initially, he thought Victor disliked the topic of skating because of the state his body was in, but throughout the months he had known Victor, being in a wheelchair wasn’t an uncomfortable subject, it was always ice skating that Victor would avoid. It was revealed through evasive replies and the occasional slip of the tongue from Yuri, that skating was taboo when conversing with Victor.

Yuuri had no right to pry on it; he too had things he preferred to keep to himself for the sake of self preservation. Unfortunately, even that couldn't stave off the curiosity, there was something secretive and guilty about wanting to know, a question hung just on the tip of his tongue, ready to spill out the: What are you so afraid of?

To ask such a direct question was indelicate and cruel, which was why he never asked. Yuuri understood if he asked Victor, someone would undoubtedly be hurt in in the process of receiving an answer that wasn’t worth the trade off of trust. The stubbornness of his instinct however kept his curiosity thriving. Victor was keeping a secret, of what exactly Yuuri was unable to figure out.

The thorough contemplation was interrupted by a phone call. Thinking it was Victor, Yuuri absentmindedly pressed ‘Accept Call’ before he realized who had call. It was too late to ignore it, and hanging up was out of question. Yuuri’s blood was cold, his fingers were slightly numb when he raised to speak into the mic of his cellphone “Hey, sis.”

Teeth were clicked “That’s it? ‘Hey sis’?” A sigh escaped, Mari’s voice was how he last remembered it; teasing and a little rough, but warm “Yuuri, you haven’t contacted us in months.”

Her words stung with truth, guilt weighed Yuuri’s chest as his conscious stained with disgrace, but what was he supposed to do? Pretend everything was okay?

“I’ve been busy.” he swallowed the lie, settling with taking a seat on his bed, his eyes glued to the wooden flooring “I guess, I just forgot?”

Silence followed after, and Yuuri could already imagine his sister’s disappointment which only made everything worse.

“Okay. You forgot, fair enough.” Mari accepted his obvious fib, seeming to understand that Yuuri hadn’t purposely avoided his family out of malice. The understanding tone of her voice calmed the shaky anxiety in him, but just barely.

This time, Yuuri wanted to initiated the small talk, so he could have control of the direction their conversation would go, he wanted this phone call to end as soon as possible “How are you? And um... mom and dad?” He corrected himself, clearing his dry throat, it had been a while since he felt this growing sense of dread.

“We’re good,” there a pause, an inhale of air was taken, likely from a cigarette knowing his sister’s bad habit to it “How about you? Must be busy in a city like Remissio.”

“I’m good, the city is just a bigger version of Hasetsu, it’s quiet.” He answered carefully, unsure where their conversation was headed.

“I’m thinking of quitting cigarettes.” Mark stated, exhaling what Yuuri suspected was the rest of her smoke.

“Good luck,” Yuuri chuckled, his sister had been saying that since he was fifteen “How’s that going?” he teased, the humour was ebbing away the panic in his chest, perhaps with this he could quickly end the call in a few minutes.

“Got down to one a day, pretty good for a youth.” her voice was light with laughter before it died down to a more quiet tone before the dreaded question arrived “When are you going to visit us? It’s been years.”

After leaving Hasetsu, he went to study under well known sweet chefs,4 years and 2 months had passed since he last saw his family, he missed his mother’s serene demeanor and cooking, his father’s comforting advice and patience, and his sister’s annoyingly endearing antics. The desire to return back to his family was an undying ache he had, but he knew too well that it wasn’t realistic to return. He didn’t deserve it. “Sometime...next holiday.” The upcoming holiday was in winter, and it was still spring at the moment.

The growing frustration was evident when Mari took another moment for silence to return, taking the moment to calm down her impatience in Yuuri’s vague answers “I’ve held back, but I need to say it now before you fall off the face of the earth.” There was a sound sliding wood before shuffling initiated, it seemed his sister was returning inside the house “Ever since the accident, you’ve been… Withdrawn, a lot more than you used to be, then you up and decide that baking is your life’s calling when your real dream was to-”

The pressure and stress of his sister’s confrontation had forced him to push back, he couldn’t talk about this, he didn’t want to, he refused. Instead, he snapped at his sister “Mari, get to the point.”

“... Are you okay? I know I should have asked years ago before you left, but I need to know now. Was it…” Mari struggled with her words, slightly wavering “...our fault? Did I- ”

“No. Just...” How was he supposed to explain that everything was a reflection of his mistakes, his fingers threaded through his hair before rubbing his temple to alleviate the sudden stressful turn of their conversation  “It wasn’t your fault, okay?” This time he found himself sighing, this was not how it was supposed to go.  
  
“Whatever it is, you can talk to us cause we’re family. You know I love you, right?” His sister’s voice trembled, it was rare to hear doubt and fear in her tone, it made her seem so fragile. Yuuri’s fingers tightened on the edges of the phone, a fragile tone wasn’t suited for his sibling “Of course I do. I love you too.” Yuuri meant it, and he was sorry for planting the seed of doubt in his family. “I… I gotta go.” he added, unable to bring himself to talk any longer with his sister. It tore him from the inside to contact them.

“Yeah, I figured. Don’t push yourself too much, eat well, sleep, take a break, and get off your butt to pick up the phone every once in awhile.” His sister reminded, nagging because of the foresight she had, knowing fully well that their next call wouldn’t be anytime soon after. The sincere love his sister had for him was endearing and selfless, which made it so much harder to call his family. Everything so much more harrowing when they worried about him, it made things worse.

“So… Goodnight?” she said, making it easier for them to sever the call. Yuuri bitterly smiled, he missed his sister’s nagging “Yeah, night.” he replied, weakly, feeling drained.

He hung up, his hands falling into his lap, still staring down at the hardwood floor in empty self reflection. It arrived slowly. The flood of shame, regret, and pain drowned his body, forced him to accept the facts; Yuuri couldn’t return home, he couldn’t ask to be forgiven, and he couldn’t forgive himself. Hasetsu wasn’t a home anymore. His throat clenched. The death of his dog and dreams and shaken him to the core. That day, he lost all feeling, so many blurred thoughts and emotions had appeared that day, and many mistakes took place, mistakes he couldn’t take back.

Yuuri’s eyes burned, and he trembled, giving in to everything he felt to alleviate the throbbing despair that grew with every breath. Slowly, one hand gripped his knee, the other tightened on his phone, and his lungs tightened as he took a sharp breath of air. “I can’t...” the words were dry and desperate. He needed an escape from the flood of unwanted emotions. His body was begging for mercy, tired of carrying all of his regrets everyday, he needed to be reprieved from his suffering.

The tears escaped him, beading on the floor, some absorbing into his pants, escaping his eyes despite his best attempts to prevent the droplets of his grief from bursting. Yuuri had no right to cry, to feel sorry for himself. It was selfish, it was undeserved, and all of it only fed his feeling of isolation, which only worsened things. His mother, his father, and his sister deserved a better son, and brother. The day of the accident broke him, his dreams, and his family, and it was his fault.

Yuuri couldn’t bring himself to bother answering Victor’s phone call.

He needed to be alone right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri... Just take the phone call.
> 
>  
> 
> Next chapter won't be out until sometime in the middle of march since I want to focus on my other Victuuri fanfic "Slumber" (I JUST finished writing out all of the chapter summaries for it).
> 
> Wanna rant? Chat? Ask questions? Or drop a hello? Feel free to contact me on tumblr: https://lacycandy.tumblr.com/
> 
> Fun fact: I watched several movies to induce heavy crying to describe it, Im looking at you Grave Of The Fireflies...


	7. Pro Delicto

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience, this chapter ended up more heavier and serious than expected, but I got my point across! Thanks for sticking with the story, and if you're new, hello and welcome!
> 
> Life got a bit crazy and I had to set aside writing, so I apologize for the long wait.

The sweat from constant exercise, the blood from exertion, and tears from competitions.; they were part of the package in terms of success. Energy was an irreplaceable part of that lifestyle; and Victor knew it all too well. Despite the hardships on his body, there was an upside to it, he could indulge his sweet tooth. Victor wasn't quite sure as to why media insisted that his so called ‘inability’ to cook/bake was endearingly charming. He himself had a few guesses, to appeal to the large female masses, that his life required a more feminine companion to make up for it–Victor wasn't exactly pleased with that assumption, he was a grown man after all; completely capable of taking care of himself. The truth of the matter was quite the opposite, Victor enjoyed cooking and baking and never had time until now, to indulge in new hobbies. Victor was the one who prepared meals in the house, his cousin nearly set the house on fire after trying to cook lasagna a month ago. Never again has Victor allowed him to set foot near the oven. 

Cooking and baking filled up Victor’s days. Unfortunately, Yuuri and Victor weren't contacting as much after his attempted call, his loneliness stung him further when he had been ignored; he had unintentionally clung to the phone call as his lifeline, only for it to be tangled further from any relief, leaving him alone with his own tattered thoughts and emotions. Makkachin was keen to Victor’s despair, it was difficult to remain melancholic when his dog did his best to lighten his mood, especially since his dog’s attempts were terribly sweet; Makkachin would drag over his toys and place them around Victor, even going as far as to take Yurio’s cat toys.

Victor disliked crying, growing up under the spotlight, he had been conditioned to dislike crying. It wasn’t because he felt weak and vulnerable doing so, whenever his tears escaped him, the media would swarm to take a picture, to gossip and make a show out of his heartfelt emotions. Crying was reserved for when he had privacy, or with people he trusted, anywhere so long as he was away from reporters and journalists. Most of his career rarely pushed Victor to tears, so when he cried that night, he had been exhausted to the bone. He wasn’t used to the draining effect of grieving.

For better, Yuuri had been absent for the past week. It was fortunate timing, for Yuuri to suddenly receive a large request for a wedding. The poor man had been working overtime, inconsistently replying to Victor’s limited texts. Yuuri’s occupied life allowed Victor the space to recuperate to his normal self without having to bring attention to his weakened condition. According to the texts, Yuuri’s patron was someone from Canada, a flamboyant man that insisted that everything was to be ‘Jean Jaques’ and ‘Isabella Yang’ style. Yuuri described the couple as bright and confidant, that it was hard to dislike them for their pleasant attitudes regardless of their elaborate requests. Victor didn’t have the heart to tell Yuuri that he knew them from competition, there was an undiscussed understanding that anything that had to do with ice skating was to be evaded.

If Victor recalled correctly from his calendar, Yuuri was finished with the last bit of cakes. Victor’s skills in baking could never match Yuuri’s but he was confident enough to try a classical chocolate chip recipe. Victor had never made cookies for someone, mostly because he lacked the time to find someone he wanted to give it as a gift to. Yuuri never failed to delight Victor with his delicately crafted sweets, returning the favor only seemed fair, especially with the uncomfortable distance. Victor wanted to see Yuuri, to witness his eyes light in joy, and to confirm that everything was alright between them. Maybe, if the mood was right, a kiss would be exchanged.

Mixing the ingredients was relatively harder than Victor expected, mostly because the batter became thick and stiff. Waiting was easy, the fragrant scent of chocolate chips and butter filled the air and made time pass faster.

The oven rang with its drawn out ring, signalling the finish of Victor’s cookies. Cracking open the oven used to intimidate Victor; he was so used to the gentle breath of the cold when he stepped into the ice rink. Opening the oven was a startling contrast of heavy and overbearing heat. All Victor could do in his patience, was to allow himself to imagine the many possible expressions Yuuri may show when presented with Victor’s gift. Hopefully, disappointment would remain outside of the equation.

The cookies were carefully placed on a rack, left to cool off. Victor took the time to adjust his appearance before he texted his personal driver. Generally, Victor disliked calling on short notice, the last time he did that was on his driver’s  birthday without knowing. His chauffeur was pleasantly courteous to drive him to Yuuri’s shop, apparently it was his turn to bathe the cat, Victor had excellent timing. Cookies were wrapped in tinfoil and placed in a gift bag to keep warm.

The weather was beautifully warm, temperatures were on the chillier side but the sunlight made it amiable on skin. Streets were strangely empty today, though Victor guessed it was because of the carnival being held at the opposite side of the city. The sight of Yuuri closing up shop signaled that Victor’s timing couldn't have been any more perfect. “Yuuri!” Victor called, sliding his window down, waving in excitable surprise.

Yuuri turned to catch the sight of Victor before he returned to locking his shop’s door. He did quickly approach the parked car to greet Victor.  “Good afternoon, Victor.” Yuuri gave a suppressed smile, his dark eyes gave away his real feelings; they glimmered with heartfelt pleasure. “What brought you to my shop this time?” Yuuri crossed his arms, his eyebrow raised and a knowing smile grew. 

The unexpected forward attitude of Yuuri’s caught Victor off guard and his composure trembled “Well, Mr. Katsuki, I do believe you forgot to visit me this week.” an uncontrolled smile broke out “Now, I understand that you were quite busy, so I thought it would only be appropriate for me to visit you with a gift this time.” He clumsily handed to Yuuri, the bag crinkled slightly as he passed it on.

Yuuri awkwardly accepted it, seeming to have been caught off guard by the present. He gently peered into the paper bag “It smells sweet…” his eyes flickered upwards to meet Victor’s, wide in surprise “Did you bake me something?” His voice rang with light curiosity, mouth was parted in the realization before closing and transforming into something beautiful. Yuuri’s teeth peeked out, his eyes slightly squinted from smiling; it was the kind of smile that was imperfect and genuine, a breathtaking sort of smile that Victor loved on Yuuri. 

After Victor took a moment to focus and memorize Yuuri’s expression, his heart and chest floated when it registered that Yuuri’s smile was his for that moment. Being in the center of attention wasn't new, it was a daily experience for Victor for an audience to provide him an endless amount of cheering and smiles, but the sensation of that could never compare to how Yuuri made his heart flutter. It was impossible to resist giving Yuuri his full attention as well, his arm stretched for Yuuri’s firm cheek, just brushing before he pulled away. Victor exhaled softly to calm himself, and wish away the slight flush he felt in his ears and neck “I wanted to return the favor.” He answered, eyes glancing down at his lap to prevent the tint of pink on his face from growing to a rose hue. Victor Nikiforov, a handsome five time gold medalist with plenty of wealth to spare, was feeling weak in the knees for an ordinary man. A man that captivated Victor with his radiant personality. 

“It's been awhile since I've had someone bake for me.” Yuuri admitted “Thank you, Victor.” Yuuri returned to gazing at his gift, his eyes became velvet in texture. “Um…” Yuuri seemed to have also settled to stare at the ground “Want to come in? You've treated me to dinner once, and I wouldn't mind returning the favor if you have time, I’m practically done locking up.”

“Yes.” Victor answered immediate, perking up as he opened the car door to be helped out of the car. “I'd love to try your home cooking.” It would have been first time to try Yuuri’s meals, a change in the usual baked goods he enjoyed.

His driver dutifully set up his wheelchair while Yuuri volunteered to help Victor get back into it. Usually his driver helped him out, but perhaps he inferenced Victor’s attachment to Yuuri and allowed the Japanese man to aid Victor before he bid them goodbye and a good evening. Victor suppose that his enamorment in Yuuri was relatively obvious, luckily, he didn’t quite really care if the world knew.

Entering Yuuri’s apartment was a slightly awkward process due to the one stair up to his living space and resulted in an interesting solution. Once again, Victor’s wheelchair was folded and set up in Yuuri’s dinner room, Yuuri ended up carrying Victor inside. Victor shouldn’t have been shocked, a baker depended on their arms to produce quality confectionaries; arms needed to be strong and dexterous. Victor could not fight the pink in his face as he was settled right into his wheelchair with gentle care.

“Thank you, Yuuri. How can I ever repay you?” Victor dramatised, winking affectionately in attempt to stave off the rising sensation of shyness, no one has ever really carried him with such patience. 

“Oh, It’s not much, just etiquette.” Yuuri rubbed his neck, quick to begin the process of cooking which required turning his back to Victor. 

“How kind of you to think so.” Victor chuckled, staring contently at Yuuri’s back. At first glance, Yuuri’s strong body structure was unnoticeable underneath his stiff clothes, but the reality was unmistakable. Broad shoulders, muscled arms, and toned back were clearly there, and Victor controlled his urge to get closer; he wanted to keep the peaceful air between them ongoing. There wasn't much verbal exchange, as a result of Victor’s silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable, it was a mutual appreciation of sharing personal living spaces together.

Sometime after Yuuri began to boil noodles and started to prepare the broth of their meal, Victor began to hum his previous skating routine music, to pass the time. Yuuri explained he would be making a childhood dish he loved, and that it would require a bit of time to prepare.

“Your voice is beautiful.” Yuuri said, slow and calm, he began to quickly slice an onion after he allowed the broth to boil.

Victor reveled in the compliment, and would carry it in his memory “Just my voice?” Victor teased, hoping for more praise to know what else Yuuri found attractive in him. Victor’s elbows rested on the dinner table, hands intertwined while his chin rested over them. Yuuri always knew the right thing to say, how this man was still available to date was beyond Victor’s comprehension, but he was grateful for being the one Yuuri chose. 

“Course not, the world thinks you're gorgeous.” Yuuri answered, but not quite the answer Victor wanted; it felt empty and too common of an answer and he was exhausted of hearing it again. Yuuri began to mix ingredients in two bowls before he began to fry the mixture.

A sigh escaped Victor, his head dropped with his eyes closed and absentmindedly mumbled “I’d much rather you think of me like that, rather than what the world thinks.” He said.

Due to the small spacing, his voice was solid and clear despite his hushed tone, penetrating through the quiet room.The stirring of the pan paused. A second passed, then another, and then another. The stirring resumed. “I see.” Yuuri replied, voice wavering slightly as he tried to collect his composure. Hands began to sprinkle in the onion slices, they sizzled against the hot metal, softening with the rest of the cooked meal. The sweet aroma began to rise in the air, adding to the anticipation for what Victor assumed was going to be a delicious meal.

“To me, I like you much better than the world.” Victor added, sincere and clear with what he felt. 

Victor didn't regret saying it, it was how he truly felt about Yuuri. He only wished Yuuri would ask him why Victor wanted that, just so he could share how much Victor cared for Yuuri, how precious he was to him. For Yuuri was the man that had seen the most of who Victor was, and it was liberating to have that in his life; to trust and depend on. Silence returned, an awkward tension began to build after their exchange of words had ended. Egg shells were cracked and whisked before joining the pan, pork cutlet was then placed into the pan. Already the smell of it was delectable, the savory combination of soy, eggs, pork, onions, and broth roused his hunger. Rice that had been prepared beforehand, was scooped into medium sized bowls. Simple and immaculate, it seemed the meal was ready.

“I'm not a fancy cook as I am a pastry chef, so I hope you won't be too disappointed.” Yuuri amended, giving a nervous smile as he set the bowls of pork down, readying a plate of Victor’s cookies for the middle of the table. 

“Nonsense, it smells amazing. You mentioned this was a recipe from childhood… is this what you usually ate back then?” Victor inquired, the very image of a young Yuuri brought a bubble of adoration in his heart. Victor had been quite young the  last time he had a homemade meal ; his mother would cook Borscht for dinner, so much so that Victor always complained about it as a child; his father would laugh in loud bursts, messing with Victor’s hair as he would jokingly threaten to eat all of Victor’s meals since he loved his wife’s cooking. Victor wanted to ask if he could come over more, to indulge in the domestic nature of Yuuri’s presence.

Yuuri nodded as he grabbed a pair of chopsticks from the utensil drawer “My family made it a lot. Don't be afraid to dig in ahead of me.” 

“Oh, but, there is a slight problem.” Victor added, he couldn't help himself finding humor in being unable to properly eat his meal “I don't really know how to use chopsticks.” He played it out smoothly, but Victor felt a bit mortified; he should have practiced his ability to use chopsticks properly, Yuuri would have been amazed and impressed. He missed his chance.

A bright burst of laughter escaped Yuuri before he clasped a hand over his mouth to quiet himself “Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh,” Yuuri said, and offered Victor his own pair of chopsticks “I guess I didn't expect you to have trouble with that...Would you like for me to teach you?”

Victor accepted them from Yuuri “Please.” He replied, pleasantly surprised when Yuuri's fingers slid over his for the purpose of adjusting the posture of his fingers.

Yuuri began to explain the purpose of the changes “Place your middle finger in the center, helps control how large you pick up your food…”

It was difficult to follow, Victor was overwhelmingly content with how blissfully loving this situation was. If he had the choice, Victor would have loved to spend the rest of his days with Yuuri like this; domestic, sweet, and peaceful. 

* * *

 

Picking things up quickly was a gift Victor had, but it seemed when an activity involved rare hand holding with Yuuri, his brain favors the chore of focusing on the skin contact rather than the lesson. Not wanting to allow the food to become cold, he settled with using a fork, next time he would impress Yuuri with his proper use of chopsticks. The meal was indescribably delicious, it was amazing how different it was to have company and when dinner began, where the occasional exchange of stories brought them closer together. 

Apparently when Yuuri was younger, he used to feed the occasion geese that visited his yard. One bit him when he tried to feed it by hand, he cried from the shock and pain, but his sister rampaged and decked the goose with the bag of bread. Needless to say that goose never returned when it flew off. Victor felt his body light up in amusement “I would have gladly protected you.” He said.

Yuuri shook his head “I think I’d have a better chance of surviving, don't think you ever met a goose before.”

Victor clicked his tongue “A goose is harmless, Yuuri. Plus I would be bigger and older.” He proudly reminded. Had Victor met Yuuri before he rose in fame, he visualized himself become smitten with Yuuri. He was a hopeless romantic in that aspect, believing in the idea that no matter who they were, how they met, Victor would never fail to feel attracted to Yuuri. Yuuri could be drunk, and he would still want to be by his side.

Victor began to provide a childhood story of his own where it involved a gel pen exploding in his mouth, only to have Yuuri’s cell ring and rattled on the table, silencing him. He looked to Yuuri expectantly. The blaring noise continued and Victor couldn't help but glance at the screen; it read  _ Mari(Sis)  _ with the image of a tough looking women who seemed to share a relatively close resemblance in bone structure, it was simple to assume it was his sister.

“You should take that.” Victor finally said “It could be an emergency.” 

Yuuri didn't reply, at least not for the first few seconds. “It's nothing.” The ringing continued to grow louder in the tense silence. There was no movement of Yuuri’s that indicated a need to to pick up the call, if anything, it seemed that was wishing for his cell phone to stop. Eventually he reached for it, pressing down a button until his phone was shut off. 

Victor felt his stomach begin to twist, his fingers clenched around his fork, and took a breath “Do you not like your family?”

Chopsticks clattered over the bowl, one falling under the table. Yuuri’s eyebrows furrowed, his eyes quietly glared to the side, his jaw was tense “It's… It's not that.” Yuuri’s eyes closed as a heavy sigh escaped “Can we change the subject?” his voice trembled, definitely defensive and uncomfortable. The air lost its warmth between them, and became empty.

A huff escaped Victor, he pursed his lips before his words spilled out in heavy drops “You shouldn't ignore your family, Yuuri.” His voice was unintentionally accusing, not because it reflected a false emotion, but because Victor had tried to refrain from his harsher emotions from overflowing. If Victor had family call him, the very idea of ignoring it was appalling. No matter who it was, blood was thicker than water, and family was permanent. Family was where home was, and Yuuri was lucky to still have that. Victor lost his parents in a blink of an eye; their presence turned to smoke, impossible to comprehend and stop. There was nothing Victor could do to have one last second with his parents, to say the thinned he should have said. To suppress his vexation for Yuuri’s indifference to family was difficult since it clashed harshly with Victor’s values. “I guess you don’t like them.” The moment he said it, Yuuri’s tense expression became openly upset, already Victor was regretting his impulsive words. Anger was found in slivers, most of his face was overtaken by heavier emotion; his lips were pressed in a tight frown, his eyes glistened, and he stared down at the table in the form of a glare. Victor chastising himself for his foolish words, he should have read the atmosphere better. Making Yuuri upset wasn't part of his plan; they were supposed to have a domestic dinner, everything was going terribly wrong. “Let’s just forget about it, it's none of my business.” Victor suggested, hoping to return to a more uplifting mood. Despite both agreeing to it, the mood didn't improve at all.

The following hour consisted of finishing the meal. Before Victor left, Yuuri finally broke the silence “Please don’t act like you know what’s good for me.” he responded, voice thick and low.

Victor turned to Yuuri, the sensation of drowning gripped his chest, sending waves of panic “I didn’t mean it like that.” he said, trying to reverse as much damage he caused. 

Yuuri’s finger fidgeted before he looked to Victor, his eyes were stained with guilt “Ignoring my family isn't right, I know that.  But I still love them, I...” Yuuri struggled with the right words, or perhaps he was struggling with opening himself up regarding his relationship with family. 

It was relieving to hear that, to know Yuuri wasn't ignoring his family out of malicious reasons, but he didn't want to learn this part about Yuuri in such a forced way. Victor shouldn't have been so nosy about it; their relationship was still premature, and patience was the appropriate attitude for things like this. Unfortunately, impatience was Victor’s major weakness. If there was something Victor wanted, he would charge forward until he got it, and it always worked. He just never had to deal with having to work for a person’s trust and affection.

“When I'm ready, I'll tell you about it.” Yuuri settled with his words, calmer, but still a bit upset at Victor’s careless words. He was clearly still trying to deal with the issue himself, which only worsened Victor’s need to know why it was so difficult to discuss. Family was irreplaceable, no matter how hard things may be, blood was thicker than water, and cutting them off completely felt wrong to Victor. He just couldn't understand how someone could coldly ignore their family, it just felt wrong to do that. Victor, however, respected Yuuri and refused to push it despite his disagreement with his behavior. 

Victor had one last thing thing he needed to confirm “Would you ignore me like that?” The very possibility of Yuuri avoiding Victor, tore his chest and dragged him. 

The flinch in Yuuri’s expression tugged Victor’s emotions; he knew he was being cruel for asking, but he needed to know where he stood with Yuuri, otherwise he wouldn't sleep. Yuuri faced Victor, but his eyes kept themselves away from meeting Victor’s “If it was for the same reason, I would.” His voice was achingly quiet.

Victor resisted the gravity he felt, not wanting to leave his companion alone now that he knew. Yuuri sat across Victor at the table, but it felt like he was further from Victor with how his eyes searched for an escape.Victor saw Yuuri as vulnerable in that moment, leaving seemed so cruel but staying seemed even worse, to give Yuuri his loving words and kisses felt patronizing. Victor couldn't bring himself to stay. Wanting to desert your family was alien to Victor, a taboo in his mind; if he stayed with Yuuri, it would have been out of pity and would change nothing. Both of them were grown men, Yuuri could survive without him for the night. Victor needed to calm and organize his swarming thoughts and emotions to the new revelation he discovered regarding his new partner.

The sun dipped into the horizon by the time Victor readied himself to leave, fitting his shoes back on. It was all uncomfortably quiet. Yuuri played with his own fingers under the tension, Victor kept his words short, and everything felt terribly different. Despite the unpleasant discovery of Yuuri’s character, Victor wasn’t willing to give him up for it. The transition outside was uncomfortable, Yuuri carried him and placed him on his wheelchair after setting it up, waiting for Victor’s driver. Victor couldn’t bring himself to crack a joke in fear of it failing to break the tension. When his driver arrived, Victor figured it was all or nothing “Yuuri, are we okay after this?”.

Yuuri didn’t reply at first, his face expression became unsure for a moment; his eyes were unclear, mouth pursed in careful pondering, and eyebrows furrowed. Victor’s heart was petrified in the wait for the answer, barely noticing his driver helping him into the car. The window was down, the door closed, and Yuuri leaned down to the window. Upon closer inspection, Victor knew the answer before it left Yuuri’s lips. Dark eyes were calm, and lips were quirked in an effortless manner. “I want to be.” he hushed, placing a gradual brush of lips over his forehead before he pulled away. The car Victor was in began to move away from Yuuri. Victor could only stare at Yuuri, locking eyes for as long as possible, still looking out the window when Yuuri was out of sight. Fingers traced the area where Yuuri had kissed, all in wonder to how his anxieties settled with the simple gesture. 

Out of everyone in the world, Victor had secrets too and if Yuuri asked him about them, he wouldn’t have answered. Even with the secrets, Victor was happy with how Yuuri made him feel like he existed, that he was a person instead of an object. Being in love was difficult, and Victor hoped this was the beginning of it, to learn the beauty of loving imperfect people so he could love himself. Yuuri had a complicated reason for ignoring his family, and Victor had a complicated reason for leaving the ice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The goose story was actually from my childhood, as a Canadian, I can say that our geese are not friendly. They are deadly little creatures.
> 
> Ps: All chapter titles are hints to the story. Notice anything yet? ;D


	8. Clamoris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter surprised me! The comments that were left were so sweet <3 I had a lot of a fun seeing all the responses! I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint you, it's very fluffy. Lately I've been getting a ton of inspiration, so I hope I can milk it and use it to finish the story!  
> Thank you for continuously following the story, and thank you for giving the story a chance! I hope to see you guys soon. 
> 
> Songs for this chapter:  
> Hard Times by: Paramore  
> Told You So by: Paramore

Minami admired Yuuri. On his breaks, he enjoyed watching Yuuri work with dough. Yuuri never became lazy with kneading, his strong arms would flex from consistent use. Careful, concise, and steady. It was so hard to ignore it, the growing affection he had for him, to find Yuuri’s hardworking nature endearing. Watching him labor away reminded him of the moment he felt his attraction bloom. The day was damp and cold, and Minami took shelter in his shop as he was unprepared with an umbrella. Yuuri was patient and kind, offered him tea and time away from the rain. Stepping into the shop felt like stepping into a home. Staying away was impossible, and Minami kept his eyes open for an opening, to have an excuse to see Yuuri on a daily basis. A chance to exchange a laugh, a hello. Anything. Working was a blessing for Minami in several ways; a source of money and a way to get closer with Yuuri. There was a change that bothered him. The appearance of Victor Nikiforov. A prince of the ice. However, he was more concerned over Yuuri’s fuming emotions as he prepared the dough .

Today, Yuuri’s work ethic was being tested, and Minami wasn't sure what exactly he could do to help outside of cleaning. What could he do when Victor stepped in and bought out all of the shop’s displayed sweets? Yuuri was sweating, his back flexed as he went back and forth between baking and mixing. “Yuuri,” his voice cracked.

Yuuri paused his kneading, looked up to his hired help “Yes?” his expression softened but his brows remained furrowed in annoyance.

The direct gaze made Minami fidget, but he pushed his words forward. He needed to brave. The strong and persistent always “Can I help?” Minami asked, unsure what else what was appropriate to say. Baking and cooking were skills he was still in the progress of becoming familiar with. While his teacher praised him for his keen ability to follow instructions when it came to recipes, he struggled with following the instructions accordingly; the stuff he made always came out a little underbaked or overbaked. Not good enough for Yuuri’s shop.

Yuuri found himself calming from Minami’s good intentions. He reminded himself that he was titled to feeling overwhelmed by the world, but he needed to set a more proper example to Minami.   “Don't worry about me, I’m just a bit intimidated from all this work. I just wished Victor had warned me he was going to buy everything.” Victor waited right outside his apartment, telling Yuuri he would buy out all available baked sweets, breads, ice creams, and sorbets for that day. This left Yuuri having to close up shop to restock for tomorrow; which meant. The list was long; 30 cupcakes, a dozen cakes, 14 breads, 8 ice cream tubs, 9 sorbet tubs, 30 bit sized fruit tarts, 5 dozen cookies, and 10 croissants. If there was a time to wish for death, it would have been now. It would take the whole day to properly catch up to his standard. While Yuuri appreciated the business, he hadn't been prepared for it. Victor could have at least tell him two days beforehand. He couldn't help but think it was inconsiderate of Victor. “But what can you do? Victor’s always been impulsive.”

Victor. That name always carried weight when it came to Yuuri. It either made him gloomy or bright faced, there was always something going on . Minami understood that he was barely noticeable to Yuuri, that he was seen as a child despite being 17 already, but he always noticed Yuuri. Victor’s name carried weight in Yuuri’s heart and it made him a bit jealous, to see how much Victor affected Yuuri’s emotions. “But there's so much work…” he replied, scanning over Yuuri’s intimidating list

Yuuri chuckled at the dire situation and acknowledged his piled work “Yes, that's true, but I can't pay you more for the overtime, and it wouldn't be fair to you to work unpaid hours Minami..” He said, returning the kneading for the final loaf of bread he was making for the day. His arms were sore from the work, but he couldn't stop now, Victor did invite him to come to the party. “Please don't trouble yourself.” Minami was a good kid, he was straightforward and honest. He had been working under Yuuri for 2 years, and never missed a day of work. A youth like him needed to focus on his grades, especially since he was in the last year of high school. “I'll just scold Victor for it.”

About a month ago, Yuuri had been oddly quiet, and Minami gathered enough clues through roundabout questions as to why. Victor had been over for dinner. They seemed to have had a little disagreement, and Yuuri had acted weird for a good following days until he visited Victor again. Minami was curious over the details, he wanted to know what was so personal about Yuuri that provoked anger; he wanted to know more about Yuuri. “I don't mind!” His voice cracked again from the sudden high pitch tone of his voice. Dammit. “Ah, helping I mean... Helping you.” his fingers rubbed the back of his neck, trying to calm the flush of embarrassment in his cheeks.

“I appreciate the offer, but exams are coming up, and it’s a critical time to focus. Plus I'm almost finished with my list.” Yuuri pointed out. He curled his fingers to look at his nails, no matter how short they were, flour never failed to build under them; he would definitely need to shower before heading over to Victor’s house. “You should enjoy being young and in high school...”

Minami still wanted to protest, but the look in Yuuri’s eyes told him to follow his advice, and Minami knew better than to push it. “Okay…” he said, nodding to Yuuri’s words, surrendering and heeding his words.

“Good. Now finish up cleaning, you only have half an hour left until I lock up.” Yuuri added, handing Minami a paper bag, filled with some macaroons as a treat for the day. Minami had worked extra hard for the day, which saved Yuuri so much time and work “A small thank you.” He said, smiling when Minami’s eyes turned bright with delight.

The remaining bit of time ended faster than Minami preferred, he wanted to keep talking with Yuuri, but he knew better than to stay when unneeded. Victor had invited Yuuri over for his party, and Minami didn't want to get in the way of Yuuri’s plans.

Yuuri locked up, and bid Minami a good evening before he quickly headed to his living space, to prepare himself. Although Victor mentioned that it wasn't extravagant, Yuuri had a feeling his definition differed from Victor’s. All Yuuri had was a fairly plain suit, he did have a nice blue tie with it though. Unfortunately, it seemed his suit had gone missing in his closet, and settled with putting on a dress shirt with a pair of black pants. It wasn't much, but his appearance improved greatly.

Getting to house was relatively easy, having been there so many times and becoming familiar with the route, but actually getting into the house was a completely different matter now that the front of the house was surrounded by polished automobiles–ones typically seen in shows. All of it was relatively intimidating, but he felt it’d be rude not to find Victor and greet him. Yuuri didn't know where to begin looking to park, but he settled with parking along the fence. As he got out of his car, the closer he got to the house, the more evident it was of the nature of the party. The lawn was bright with bright neon colours dancing over house and sky, the garden had tables of food–which he made– with what suspiciously looked like melted ice cream. Pop music was blaring from the outdoor speakers. As soon as he set foot in the house, he was met with equal excessiveness. If Yuuri hadn't visited the house so much, he would have thought he had the wrong address. The house was normally dripping with sophisticated class, but everything felt very hyper and upbeat with the bright lights, music, and food. All the party needed was more people. It was a bit uncomfortable being surrounded by the specific set of people he recognized; most were ice skating athletes. He couldn’t help but wonder if Victor really wanted these people over, recalling how Victor mentioned that  he didn’t have many close friends that stayed.

Yuuri was teetering on the edge of leaving the property, all the lights and music blurred his focus and left him feeling overwhelmed, but he spotted Victor and figured that he would at least say hello. It was the polite thing to do, even if Victor seemed more content with speaking to his friends.

“Victor, I'm here.” He said, unintentionally sounding reserved when he was just anxious. Yuuri scanned over Victor’s current company, a graceful woman with auburn hair.

“Yuuri! Welcome, I'm glad you made it!” Victor exclaimed, his head jerking to Yuuri with a bright smile before turning back to his friends “This man… Right here, makes the best cakes. You know that ice cream everyone ate? Yuuri milked it outta with his hands.” Victor stretched his words, pointing with at Yuuri’s chest. “Trust me.” he hiccuped, covering his mouth right after.

The woman giggled, her hand covered over her smile “I'm sure he did, Victor.” Her words were dragged by what Yuuri recognized as a Russian accent. They must have been close, Victor and this woman; both being trained under the same coach. “Ah, but I think I better find our other little Russian. Can't have him drinking.” Her fingers threaded her wavy hair“You’ll take care of Victor, right?” She looked to Yuuri, her eyes were a deep teal, sort of like ice.

“Sure.” He said, trying to relax his forced smile, trying to improve the grip he had on his faltering feelings. It shouldn't have been surprising for Victor’s social group to consist of attractive friends, the kind that glimmered and attracted attention everywhere they went; people born for the spotlight. Victor was one of them too, flourishing in the center of an audience. Before, when Victor mentioned that many of his ‘friends’ were not all genuine. Yuuri had been happy that Victor liked him, that they were close. There were signs of attraction for each other, but Yuuri still felt unsure of it all, he felt like he didn’t deserve that right to have that kind of happiness.

Victor pushed his chair forward, edging near Yuuri, and he cuddled into Yuuri’s stomach, arms tight around Yuuri’s waist “Mila, he's my special friend. Not yours.” He whined, hiccupping again. “You can't have him… He only makes me good stuff.” Victor switched to a poorly executed whisper to Mila “I'm trying to woo him.”

Yuuri felt mortified, and tried his best to keep himself from stepping away from Victor to hide his growing embarrassment. “U-Um, thank you?” he chuckled nervously, he wasn’t sure how to respond to drunk behavior; especially if it was Victor.

Mila shook her head in teasing disapproval “Of course, Victor.” her voice was humourous “How could I have been so rude?” She glanced to Yuuri “He's quite drunk at the moment, he thought you weren't coming and he began to drink all the champagne. I guess you’ll have to deal with his neediness… he missed you a lot from what he texted me.” She winked, patting his back once as she passed him.

Before Yuuri could ask about what Victor had meant by ‘special friends’ and ‘taking responsibility’, Victor  was  now separating himself from Yuuri to take an empty flute from a table of alcohol, and poured himself what looked suspiciously like more champagne. “Victor, what are you doing?” Yuuri asked, the pounding music made it a bit difficult to be heard, but Victor seemed to have understood his confusion.

“Today is um… a birthday celebration!” Victor exclaimed, taking a sip from his glass. “Yuri wanted a party!”

It took a moment to register that Victor had meant his cousin; Yuuri’s birthday wasn't any time soon. “Is the drinking necessary? ” Yuuri asked, finding the wafts of dry alcohol begin to bother his nose, it reminded him of his own drunken disasters. From what Yuuri recalled, Victor’s cousin was barely a teenager. A party like this seemed so… large. “I think you had enough.”

Victor only chuckled “Yuuri, drinking is a must.” he finished the rest of his glass before once again, he poured more in his glass “Yuri was angry with me for forgetting, so I kept thinking of an idea to make it up…” he downed his glass again, finishing half of it “So yeah… Um...His birthday was in March, or maybe it was october...” Victor contemplated before he simply shrugged, looking to Yuuri “I wished you came sooner… It’s boring when you're not here, talking with you is…” he paused to find the words “Easy. Bright…” he sighed, and gazed at Yuuri with soft eyes “I’d like to live with you… you know…”

Yuuri felt his heart squeeze, and race. He took a careful breath through his nose, held his breath, and exhaled, but couldn't calm his nerves from catching on fire. Victor’s words had easily thrown Yuuri’s thoughts into a state of confusion and curiosity with his anxiety restraining the questions he wanted to ask. Everything was on fire. He reached out to gently remove the glass from Victor “I think you’ve had enough…” he tries to throw off Victor’s thought process for the sake of keeping himself sane and reducing any more embarrassment from occurring, to prevent any more dangerous sentences escaping the drunk man.

Victor, however, resisted the very idea that he was intoxicated “I'm Russian, Yuuri. Russians don't get drunk. I'm not-” Victor hiccuped “Not drunk.” He insisted, filling his glass to the top again. Victor’s complexion was still pale, but the colour in his cheeks suggested that he wasn't sober, it was terribly obvious. “Hey, Yuuri…“ Victor reached out, pinching the sleeve of Yuuri’s suit, his glassy blue eyes looked straight to his face “...Do you love me?”

Yuuri jumped and tried to avert  his eyes, but it was hard; Victor’s eyes were clear and wide, capturing all of Yuuri’s attention. He  asked for Victor to never look away from him, wanting to always capture Victor’s attention. He had it, Victor’s gaze. Normally, Yuuri wouldn't find himself flustered from a simple gaze, but something about Victor’s openness was penetrating. It made it hard to lie and deceive Victor regarding his own true emotions. “How many drinks did you have?” Yuuri asked, glancing by the table of alcohol, trying his very best to ignore Victor’s question; this was all drunk talk.

“Yuuri, I think you need to be nicer… Cause maybe you're drunk…E-Ever give that a thought? How many drinks did you have?” Victor accused with clumsiness. He crossed his arms and slumped into his seat, before he began to mope, his eyes looking around the room “Where’s my dog? Makkachin is probably lonely…Sleeping at the vet… all because he wanted to eat his toy.” his fingers pinched Yuuri’s sleeve.

Yuuri recalled that Victor had mentioned sometime last night that his dog had decided to try and swallow his tennis ball, and had to go see a vet to remove it from his stomach. Yuuri sighed, this was worse when he was drunk, not that he remembered anyway. “Hold on, I'm going to get you some ice water.” He took back his sleeve and Victor’s expression became pinched with open dejection. Guilt weighed his heart, but Yuuri needed a moment away from the unbearable honesty of Victor’s words: it all tugged on Yuuri’s buried desires.

Yuuri knew from memory where the glasses were, and took out one with a picture of Makkachin to fill with cold water; Victor always went on about how important it was. As much as Yuuri would have loved to drink a sip of alcohol to ease his stress of the day, he knew better from his friends telling him to stave off it unless he wanted to regret it. When Yuuri returned to where Victor had been, he was left to find him gone.

_Fuck._

A sigh escaped Yuuri, and he decided that Victor couldn't have gone far, not with his drunken state. He was so terribly wrong. Yuuri had only ever travelled to Victor’s room, the kitchen, and occasionally the living room, so his knowledge of the vastness of the house was terribly limited. He never imagined how impossibly large the house was, and how difficult it was to navigate through it all. Eventually, he found himself in the back garden, where he heard from other guests that a certain man had wandered through while calling out for his dog. Yuuri caught sight of the wheelchair and a familiar face. There seemed to be a disagreement between the Russian Yuri and Victor.

Yuuri approached, slightly dreading what kind of disagreement could occur between an emotional drunk and a temperamental teenager.

“Yuri… I know times are hard for you! So I'm willing to sell you my underwear…” Victor said, his face seemed pinker than before. Yuuri suspected that Victor had gone drinking again when he lost him.

Yuri cringed and his face was flared with anger “Victor, for fuck’s sake no.” taking a step back to avoid Victor’s open arms, waiting for a hug. Yuri shook his head “No,” he spat “I’m not hugging you.”

Victor began to sniffle and point to Yuri “Don't judge me! M-Maybe I need hugs Yuri. Maybe you just need some joy in life…”

Green eyes glared down “Victor. You’re drunk. Go upstairs and sleep it off.”

“Liar!” Victor cried, placing his hands over his upper chest “I have dreams Yuri!”

“I'm going to punch you so hard if you don't stop. This is embarrassing.”

Yuuri stepped into the conversation, clearing his throat and gathering attention “Sorry, I was um… looking for you.” He lifted the cup of water he still carries to show Victor and Yuri “Water, to sober you up.” He explained, handing it to Victor who accepted it, cuddling closely with the image of his dog on it.

“Thank you, Yuuri, I was missing my doggy.” Victor cheered, pressing a kiss on the image.

Yuri glared at Yuuri “Any later I would have pushed him into the pool to shut him up.”

“I'm sure you wouldn't do that. Victor would drown.” He replied, keeping things lighthearted as he watched Victor begin to tip the glass into his mouth, slightly choking. Yuuri extended his hand to help angle the glass to slow the  flow of water. Victor hummed happily as he sipped accordingly.

Yuri clicked his tongue, crossing his arms as his eyes darted to the ground “If ditching the ice hasn't killed him, then drowning won't either.”

“Yuri… That's…” Harsh. Yuuri wanted to say harsh, but he wasn't sure if those words would diffuse the escalated situation.

Victor choked again, and nearly dropped his cup. He rested his mug on his lap, “Sorry… I’m, really…” Victor trailed off, his voice dry and tight, “Sorry…” Victor’s expression was sullen and withdrawn now, but remained quiet, staring down at the glass he cradled in his hands in the silence.

A sigh left the teenager after a moment of heavy silence passed. Yuri crossed his arm,  “ I…” a  sigh escaped. Yuri looked to Yuuri with a less aggressive expression, more toned and rational  “Go take Victor up to his room… The jerk drank all the alcohol out here…” Yuri huffed “Please.”

Yuuri blinked, he hadn't expected to be asked so calmly by the teenager “Sure, um…” There was a bit of a problem with Yuri’s request. “How would I get Victor up the stairs?” Yuuri asked, not willing to take the risk of dropping Victor while going up an incredibly long flight of stairs. He had been curious for quite some time now, how Victor got up and down the floors despite being unable to climb stairs. It was about time he got around to asking about that.

“Are you an idiot? There's an elevator right at the end of the third hallway.” Yuri chided.

Yuuri sputtered, his mind comprehending his words “I'm sorry? There's an elevator?”

Yuri rolled his eyes at him, like it was common knowledge for a house to have an elevator.

* * *

 

Yuuri was given directions to the elevator through the use of landmarks. It was funny how Yuuri was treating the navigation to Victor’s room as he would traveling a new city. There was so much he had yet to know about the house, and Victor. Victor had been uncharacteristically muted and withdrawn, but it was later revealed that he had simply fallen asleep, a small part of Yuuri hoped that Victor would forget the severe words of Yuri’s; they seemed to have touched a sensitive topic. Yuuri knew Yuri wasn’t a bad person, but sometimes his words went too far. The elevator was well hidden; Within the second hallway there was a door that lead to the third hallway. At the end of it, was a metallic door with a button at the side.

The ride up was short and brief, but relieving. the loud noises of the party were muted when the slides of the door closed. When Yuuri brought Victor to his room, he was greeted by the moonlight pouring through the window, illuminating the center of the room. The room must have been sound proof for it to be so quiet and peaceful. It was a foreign sight, to see Victor’s room without the actual man settled in his bed or his study table in the corner. A bed, a table, a tea set, and a window decorated the room; the moonlight was a faint veil that barely touched the bedside. The sight was felt so alien despite being so familiar. _Had the room always seemed so dead?_ Yuuri wondered, finding the air a touch too cold against his skin. Yuuri placed Victor’s mug on the bedside table in case he still wanted the water, and placed Victor over his bed to softly tuck him in, only to find Victor to grab hold of his wrist when he pulled the blanket over him, his closed eyes peeking open.

“Are you leaving me, Yuuri? You just got here...” His eyes gleamed and welled with sadness. Victor pleaded, his voice was soft and fragile. Victor’s grip trembled but did not loosened.

Yuuri didn't pull away, instead, he sat on the side of the bed. Still close to Victor “I'll see you again next week, I'm not going to disappear.” He reminded, trying to play everything with a more lighthearted attitude. Victor was drunk, and he didn’t mean what he was saying. His other hand stretched to brush Victor’s bangs away from his face, to get a better look of his eyes.

Victor leaned closer “I miss you… Always.” Victor sighed, bringing Yuuri’s hand closer to press his lips over his fingers “Hardworking, and earnest.” he breathing deepened “You’ll never know, how much I love you.”

God. His heart was drowning and his chest felt so wound up, it overwhelmed him and he hated it when he became so emotional. Whenever a rush of sentiment took over him, rationality would fail and he faltered; Yuuri always ended up saying or doing something impulsive, embarrassing himself. With how Victor’s eyes followed Yuuri, his reasoning didn’t stand a chance.”Me too.” he responded. It took a moment before anything followed. Yuuri used that gap in time to comprehend what he had said, and Victor seemed to crack. His heart was drumming away in staccato rhythm “I love you too.”

Victor’s chest heaved, sharp breaths were taken, and heated tears poured over his cheeks. He refused to let go, allowing himself to be vulnerable as his emotions took over his limbs “Thank you...” despite the tears, his eyes remained open and locked with Yuuri’s, it was like he was afraid of Yuuri disappearing “Stay… Please” his hands gripped Yuuri’s sleeve now, pulling him closer, inviting him to stay for the night.

Resisting was hard. Yuuri had been skittish and dubious with his relationship with Victor from the beginning and still a bit now, but he wanted to stay and take in the comfort of being close, to feel a sense of belonging. There was a fair amount of things that they clashed with, but staying angry was difficult. It wasn’t that life was impossible without the other, but just by having the company of the other, taking steps in life was a little easier. Everything was less rushed and painful. “Victor...” Yuuri hated to do this, but his thoughts were in shambles, his heart was pounding to the tune of drums, and it seemed his self control was crumbling. “I can’t. I have to-”

“But it’s so hard without you...” Victor said, quiet and small “I’m afraid, of everything. Winning was all I had… But now that I have nothing, I lied to myself. Lied about how I felt because...because I didn’t know how to accept it. Accept how I…” Victor’s voice faltered as he swallowed down his emotions in order to continue with his words “Everytime… Everytime, I got on that ice, my love faded. When I realized.. It was all stretched and knotted, making it all so tangled. No matter what… I did...” More tears escaped him, taking pieces of his composure with every drop “I hated all of it… I hated that I began to hate the ice… Because...” Victor’s words were unsteady “The ice was where I remembered being loved… … Gone. All gone. Hating was better than nothing. I-I told myself that.” His rambling stopped, sliding to faint whimpers “Please don’t go.”

“Victor...” Yuuri began, trying to decipher what Victor was explaining among his drunken splurge of words. A small part of his rationality told him to leave, that Yuuri had enough burdens on his shoulder, and that this was not his problem. Another part of him was the empathy that pulsed and rippled in his body; he knew he wasn’t leaving anytime that night. Not when Victor was breaking in front of him, Yuuri refused to let his heart die that easily, to leave Victor when he needed him. “I’ll stay.” he promised, leaning closer to Victor’s puffy face and his lips slid over Victors. He waited for Victor to push him away, but Victor gripped the collar of his shirt to pull closer; not into the kiss but just closer into his arms.

“Promise?” Victor asked, his face pressed close into Yuuri, much like a child. It seemed Victor needed this, for Yuuri to stay. Even if he was drunk, his emotions were still valid, and Yuuri felt that he needed this too. It had been such a long time since he was this close to someone, to soak in the comfort and warmth with someone he trusted and cared for. Yuuri gave in to his craving for this intimacy “I promise.” he whispered, shuffling to the side of the bed, still close by Victor.

Victor grinned himself stupid, before he rested against Yuuri’s shoulder, content with Yuuri’s answer as he drifted away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to edit, mostly because I'm impatient for what is to come. I had to remove and add some stuff to build things up for the next few chapters, so I hope you guys caught on some of the hints I provided in Victor's background. I hope the chapter was a little more funny and light than usual, I really tried to resist my urge to make it all angst and pain.
> 
> Comments are encouraged, and appreciated as per usual >w<


	9. Mendacium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already halfway?! You know what that means guys? All will be revealed very soon. (In the next chapter or two should be the peak of the story so be prepared!)  
> You should check out Saniika and give her love <3 http://saniika.tumblr.com/  
> If I could clone myself and give her all the care and love she deserves, I would. She's a super sweet person with a rare tender heart, and I think you guys would have your minds blown by her unmistakable style and skill. I promise you won't be disappointed (Amazing YOI Art, her understanding of the human form is flawless and meaningful) <3  
> Yo, Sanii, if you're reading this, you're precious and deserve a lot of good things.  
> I have an outline of the overall story. I try to follow it, but somehow things always get longer, complicated and emotional. I had writer's block… then tumblr sent me a beloved clip of Yuuri and Victor’s pair skate, I got really emotional and inspired so I got to it to finish this. (I totally clutched my chest and gazed at them skating)
> 
> Thanks for sticking around guys <3 hope to finish this series soon!

Morning trickled in, the sunlight filled the room and the sound of birds began spilling in as the sun rose. The birds flew away when an excited dog jumped to peek through the open window and barked enthusiastically, to greet them a good morning. The well meaning canine whined as it watched his neighbors fly away.

Victor took a sharp inhale, his head jerking up from the noise, hushing his saddened dog as his head flinched from the sensitivity of the leftover presence of alcohol. He was incredibly hung over. His muscles felt stiff, throat dry, brain squeezed, and his eyes were a little irritated; all of it didn't do much to lessen the ringing headache. Victor groaned from sitting up, his limbs felt boneless and his head was ringing in pain. Thankfully a mug of water was on his bedside and he gulped it down. Parts of the fuzziness in his mind were watered down as he finished the cup, and the tense strings in his body loosened once his thirst was quenched. Better, but not completely. It was then that he realized the warmth beside him, and noticed the rise and fall of his blankets; the signs of company. Victor hesitated from peeling off the blankets as he did his best to recall what exactly happened. Last night began with the party, Victor waited for Yuuri. Hours passed and he became desperate to stop the fear of  Yuuri choosing to ignore his invitation, so he started the first few drinks as a celebratory gesture for his cousin’s 16th birthday. That was where the problem began. Then he started drinking as a way to pass the time, waiting for the man he wanted to see, to touch, and to kiss his existence. Victor kept hoping that Yuuri would arrive. Even if he was a drunken fool by the time they met for the night.

“Yuuri?” He called, hoping for the anonymous company to recognize the name as their own. “Are you there? Yuuri?” At least Victor still had his clothes on, which meant nothing particularly scandalous took place. The possibility of sleeping side by side with Yuuri encouraged a giddy smile to form but the fear of it being a stranger kept himself anchored and anxious. Victor reached out and poked the person until they began to stir.

A long groan came from the body, it shifted and began to lift, the blanket fell away from the head of his unexpected guest, revealing a squinting man; a delightfully familiar face. An honest pair of dark eyes blinked and focused, lighting up from the sight of Victor “...Feeling better?” Yuuri asked.

Victor blinked before he shared a smile “Hungover.” Victor replied, happy to find his dog jumping on to the bed to cuddle in his lap. Fingers scratched over Makkachin’s head “But it’ll go away after a few hours.”

Yuuri dropped his head and gave a nervous chuckle, his eyes darted nervously to Victor “I...meant from last night.” He said, lips pressed in hesitancy. 

Victor gave him a confused expression, and could only shake his head “I don't know…?” It was a bit embarrassing to admit he didn't remember, but he hoped it hadn't bothered Yuuri too much.

“... You said some things, and um… cried…?” He added, unsure if the information he was giving was helping the situation “Don't stress too much though, I mean, you were really drunk.”

 

Victor’s mind was splitting in several directions as to what Yuuri was referring to. He rarely got drunk, and nothing usually severe occurred when he did. He straightened his back and forced himself to be more attentive “What was said specifically?” He asked. Knowing how careless he was when drunk, he expected that he had probably committed something harmless, since Yuuri seemed uncomfortable rather than upset.

Yuuri cleared his throat “Tangled knots, hating the ice…” his expression became more hesitant as he pursued his lips before he finalized his sentence “You asked me to stay.”

Relief flooded in. Victor was the founder of being flamboyant, charming, and sometimes, excessive. Embarrassment rarely ever occurred, only because Victor had nothing to lose. Being so openly emotional must have troubled Yuuri, having to unexpectedly take the responsibility of caring for a drunken fool. Victor had wanted Yuuri to have a good time. “I am so sorry, Yuuri. I’ve never acted that way before.” He explained. Getting drunk and acting less inhibited was the usual, but Victor nearly revealing every secretive emotion to someone, was not like him. Even if it was Yuuri he was speaking to. Victor was beginning to slip up which was more dangerous than what he felt comfortable with.

“Don’t be sorry.” Yuuri assured, offering a weak smile, resisting his urge to ask Victor about the meaning of his drunken ramblings. He would have been a hypocrite if he pushed Victor to tell him when he himself would never do the same. It seemed they would never get past certain issues of their life. Yuuri’s finger tightened over the blankets. How unfair for both of them. “I wish I could help you, whatever that’s troubling you.” The words escaped him in a moment of selfishness. Guilting Victor wouldn't make anything easier, but Yuuri felt frustratingly disheartened by the invisible obstacle that Victor kept between them. If it was anything like what Yuuri carried, he would want to support Victor, to help and provide a little courage; maybe he would find courage in himself that way, but that was too idealistic and unrealistic to hope for. 

A sigh left Victor, his eyes following up to Yuuri’s face to take in his expression, how his eyes were opened yet pained. Yuuri wanted to know what was weighing him down, what he carried on his shoulders, and the price he paid. His lies were destroying his relationship with his cousin, and now it seemed Yuuri was beginning to slip away from him too. “I want to tell you but...” Victor was cornered. Whatever direction he took from this point risked Yuuri leaving him “I can’t.” He shook his head, stroking over his dog’s head when a snout nudged his hand. “I'm sorry.”

“I'm just worried.” Yuuri explained, already finding his heart twinge by sinking situation. No one was happy right now. Yuuri slid to the edge of the opposite side of Victor, turning his head to speak over his shoulder “I shouldn't have pushed. You won’t tell me, what’s causing you so much pain.” his back straightened as he stretched “I get the feeling it has something to do with ice skating, but I get it.” Yuuri sighed, and his shoulders relaxed, he pushed his banged over his head, locks of hair slowly falling back into place. Despite just getting up, he was already little exhausted of the evasive responses Victor gave. There wasn’t a lot of power Yuuri had, in status, personality, and words, but he could at least offer support for Victor. “I’m not sure if you meant it… Last night, when you said you loved me.” He revealed, completely resigned from trying to get more out of Victor, and settled with clarifying the other of elephant in the room. Yuuri took to standing to his feet, turning to examine Victor’s baffled expression.

“What?” Victor gasped, sitting forward to get a closer look, to somehow catch the sight of Yuuri’s eyes, his face was beginning to catch on fire. Out of all opportunities for Victor to admit his growing affection towards Yuuri, he took on the least charming one. Victor hoped he heard Yuuri wrong, or that he was joking, but why would he joke in such a heavy atmosphere “Yuuri, wha-”

“When you were drunk, you said you loved me.” Yuuri repeated, finally turning to Victor, his face was pensive and searching “You were drunk… But I was happy to hear it… That maybe you felt the same way as I have.” The beginning of his words started tight before they softened. Yuuri took a deep breathe, grasping on to the sudden surge of courage he was riding on “I love you, Victor.” He needed to say it, for Victor to know now that they were alone and clear minded. Victor needed to know how far his affection went, so he’d know why Yuuri cared so much. Yuuri’s chest relaxed, he absorbed the relief that cut the heavy weights on his body. The feelings he had for Victor were seeded sometime after their first meeting, and every touch, smile, and laugh that was exchanged, watered that seed. Now, his feelings had flourished and bloomed when he told Victor. “Do you feel the same?” Yuuri was looking to Victor, his eyes unwavering as they searched for the truth in Victor.

The shift into assertiveness caught Victor by surprise, but he found his skin tingle from the question “What sort of question is that? I loved you first.” He teased, taking this change in conversation, hoping to trail further into this lighter topic; one that wouldn't pick open his wounds.

Yuuri’s eyes didn't blink or shift “When?” He asked, unyielding his need for answers. What was their relationship at when Victor realized?

Before Victor could respond, his cell phone chimed, calling for the focus of his eyes for a second. A second sucked away his thoughts when Georgi had texted him a simple sentence; the kind that ripped the ground from Victor and twisted his guts.

**From: Georgi**

**I know you want to be left alone… But please come to the hospital, Yakov is asking for you.**

The test also caught Yuuri’s attention, and his expression was heavier from the somber look his eyes had taken. There was no question in what Victor needed to do. “Go see him.” He told without needing Victor to ask him to go. 

“But, what about you?” Victor asked, finding his fingers wanting to reach for Yuuri, but he knew where he was supposed to be. Yakov needed Victor, and Victor owed his coach so much. Even with Yakov’s strict attitude, he was very much like his deceased grandfather; harsh, pushing, but proud of his students. He was like family. The possibility of his wellbeing taking a turn for the worst made Victor’s heart and blood turn cold and empty “We need to talk about...” He trailed, trying to grasp the right words to describe their relationship “What this is.” Victor didn't want Yuuri to have the assumption that he was running away; they needed to discuss their shift in relationship, what it meant. He had a fair idea already, but wanted to confirm the specifics.

Yuuri agreed, nodding to Victor’s point “We do. But we can get to that later.” He said. A good few seconds passed without another word “I'm not the one that needs you the most right now.”

Victor found himself unable to resist Yuuri’s intense eyes, how they burned bright with his words for him to see Yakov. It was almost like Yuuri wanted to prevent the possibility of a tragedy, like he knew what it felt like. Victor turned to reply to Georgi, grabbing his phone to begin tapping the screen briefly before returning it to the table.

**To: Georgi**

**Send me the address and hospital room number, I'll be there soon.**  
  


“Do you… Need help getting there? To the hospital?” 

As much as Victor would have loved for Yuuri to come with him, his instincts warned him that certain topics would surface again, and their conversation had already tickled the edge of dangerous territory. Yuuri didn't need to be there to witness Victor’s fragility in the face of failure. Going alone felt alienating, lonely, and a bit abandoned, but for everyone’s sake, Victor would keep it all simple. He plastered on his photogenic smile, the kind he gave to fans that never failed to dazzle their hearts. “I’ll be alright with my cousin, he’ll need to see him anyway...” It felt oddly foreign to wear his superficial smile again, perhaps due to the lacking need to use it, to hide himself away from prying spectators. Logic and desire never cooperated for Victor; especially now where his heart wanted Yuuri to stay where his brain knew that wasn't possible if he wanted to keep himself safe. To minimize the damage; better to have defense when lonely instead of none.

“You’ll be okay?” Yuuri asked, his eyes focused on Victor and lips were pursed in concern, and stepped closer to take a seat beside him, the bed dipped slightly, their shoulders just touching “It's okay to not be.”

Victor tried to shift more effort and energy in keeping up his cheerful tone and smile “Of course.” His voice faltered, the end of his reply was weak.

Lies were easily seen through by Yuuri; only when under upsetting circumstances due to his own experiences of lying about his own wellbeing, to avoid burdening his own family and friends. Even after several years, he still received emails and calls from them out of worry, but couldn't bring himself to apologize for his cowardice. Calling Victor out didn't feel right, because Yuuri would have deserved the same criticism since he was in the same position as Victor in terms of burrowing feelings. He chose ignorance. “Promise to contact me after, in case you want to talk.”

“I’ll try.” Victor replied, and watched Yuuri’s fingers slipped between his own to place a kiss over his knuckle, before he leaned in to turn his attention to Victor’s forehead.   
“I love you, Victor.” He felt his words weight into his heart, and Yuuri knew Victor felt it too, how much he wanted to stay and keep him safe from everything.

* * *

Timing was always a bit funny for Yuuri. Not the humorous kind, but more of the dramatic sort, where it began to pouring the moment his feet stepped off of Victor’s property. His car was nearby, sticking out due to its plain appearance in comparison to the upper class environment it sat in. Luckily for him, it seemed most of the guests had left last night since there were no longer any other cars parked. Getting in was easy, leaving was hard. Yuuri wanted to stay, but reality was never so generous; he needed to take care of his shop. 

By the time he arrived, it was a bit late, past his usual opening time. It wasn't too late, barely an hour had gone by, but guilt began to form when he noticed an anxious looking teenager by his shop. How could he have forgotten? Minami had been waiting for Yuuri the entire time. Yuuri couldn't help the curse that escaped him, Minami was working today and he forgot. “I'm so sorry, Minami. I didn't mean to make you wait.” Yuuri said “Don't worry about losing an hour for work, I'll pay you the usual.” He assured, hoping to make up for his irresponsible behavior. 

Minami nodded, face calmer as he looked over Yuuri’s clothes before his smile wavered. He fidgeted, his feet were shuffling oddly and he seemed to struggle with his words before it came out in a burst of sentences “Where were you? I was worried you were sick and I kept ringing the doorbell...” His hands covered his mouth, stopping whatever was his next sentence. Minami stared down at the pavement, his eyes furrowed “Nevermind…”

Yuuri wasn't expecting worry from Minami, but it warmed his heart to hear that. To know that he cared that much. “I was visiting Victor, he wanted me to come by during his cousin’s party. It was very late so I ended up falling asleep on a couch.” He fibbed the last part, he really couldn't think of a way to quite explain the real reason for staying; a private moment with Victor.

Minami still looked uncomfortably curious, his eyes portrayed unanswered questions, but he hesitated in pushing it. Instead he settled with the answer Yuuri gave him and went to work.

The day flew by, quickly and unnoticed, which was what Yuuri needed. Cleanup was simple due to the slow day; Yuuri suspected it was due to the drizzly weather. No one really spoke, Yuuri kept quiet because of he was tired, while Minami was unable to shake off his anxiety. Yuuri locked up, but Minami worked the courage to finally say something. 

Minami exited the shop to unlock his bike. His fingers drew away from the bicycle once he was done, his body was stiff and his eyes darted nervously from Yuuri to the ground “Yuuri, do you like anyone?” He asked, his voice low and a bit shaky. Minami had trouble maintaining eye contact. 

The question was ironically timed, Yuuri confessing his love, while Minami was no doubt forming affections for someone, likely prompting him to ask Yuuri such a question. Minami wasn't a particularly nosy type of kid, and Yuuri didn't have the heart to outright deny him an answer; he saw much of himself in Minami’s nervous demeanor. Plus, spending so much time together made Yuuri feel like an older brother, it filled him with pride by having Minami trust him enough to turn to for advice. He would not disappoint when it mattered. “I do.” A brief chuckle followed his response, despite Yuuri being the older of the two, they were both still very inexperienced in romance; Yuuri just had a few steps ahead of Minami.

Minami cleared his throat, likely trying to prevent his voice cracking “Are… Are you dating them?” His gaze intensified on the floor.

Yes was the answer Yuuri instinctively thought of, but his mind dipped in doubt. Technically, Yuuri and Victor had never officially agreed to the idea of dating, but love was there through the touches of skin and lips, and the indiscreet admiration of the other. Love and dating were two separate things. They both confirmed their feelings were mutual, however, it was wishful thinking on Yuuri’s part to assume they were together romantically. Victor wasn't the type to frivolously cycle through people and they were both serious with each other, so things were serious at least. “I hope so.” He sighed, he gave Minami a troubled smile “Dating is… new. Very new for me, but it seems we both like each other.” Yuuri paused “But sometimes it still doesn't work. You should always do your best though, that way you won't have any regrets.” 

Minami’s head jerked up, his face perked up with hope, and he nodded in agreement “Yeah!” His voice cracked but it didn't sullen his brightened mood “So um… Will you still be around in a couple of years?”

Yuuri figured Minami wanted to know if he would still be able to turn to him for guidance in the future. “Yes, as far as I know, I'll likely stay here for quite some time.” He assured “The city is nice and business is good, not much reason to leave.”

Minami practically jumped on his bike, his face beamed with light of joy “I guess I'll be seeing you a lot then!” His eyes smiled at Yuuri, he pedaled forward to his journey back home. 

“I guess so.” He humored, waving goodbye to his long term employee. Watching such a positive kid leave when the sun set always made Yuuri feel like he was bidding farewell to daylight. 

Now that night was settling in, Yuuri finally had some time to his thoughts and wondered what was next. Yuuri loved Victor, and Victor loved Yuuri. Dating was a natural step to take after a confirmation of intimate emotions, but it felt off to take that next level. Yuuri had secrets, and so did Victor. Even if Victor decided he was ready to share his hidden secrets, Yuuri wouldn't be able to bring himself to do the same. The shame of his selfishness cut his rights to being with his family, and being with the Victor wouldn't magically solve his problems. Yuuri needed to take it upon himself to do that.

* * *

“Being a liar doesn't suit you, Yakov.” Victor said calmly, relieved to know his coach had fibbed about his emergency, but a bit angry for him to go so far to reach him. Victor was going to have to deal with a furious Yurio for ditching him for a hospital that sat several hours away from Remissio. He politely ordered a cup of cranberry tea from the young waitress.

“Tch, that's very hypocritical, Victor.” Yakov sneered, arms crossed and his nose dipped down in disapproval. The diner was quiet and barren, likely due to the time of the day. Older music played, classical rock with an angry set of lyrics, and it added to Yakov’s silent anger.

Victor turned to look through the large window, finding the pavement relatively boring to see; Yuuri’s shop always had nicely growing flowers to admire. “You don't have a reason to lie for me to visit.” He deadpanned, feeling that Yakov’s anger was unjustified. “My reasons for leaving are justified.” He answers before his coach could ask him to return. “I can't go back. I told you this several times already.”

Yakov sighed, shaking his head “It's not a permanent problem Victor, there's therapy for that.” He grabbed Victor’s hand tightly, meeting eyes as they swirled with hope and passion “Victor, come back to the ice. I know you miss setting your heart on fire on the ice and captivating your fans with your routines. You can't let that talent rot away.”

He meant well. Victor knew it, but it didn't help slow the rise of painful anger surge in his skin“I've made my decision.” He removed Yakov’s hands slowly from his. Victor's love for the ice was burning strong, but he knew the moment he returns to it for the sport, it would drown and die “Im not as young as I was when I started, and I can't return to that time, Yakov.  Why can't you understand that?”

Yakov grit his teeth “You can't keep just give up when you still have a chance!” He snapped, lowering his voice after several eyes leered at him “Are really happy? To simply sit around without a path anymore, while the world forgets you? Your legacy?”

Victor found Yuuri through all this, and it was only through all of this, that he met him through sheer coincidence. Victor nodded to Yakov’s question “Yes.” he answered, “Legacies die, and new ones are born.”

“Can you say you don't miss the ice?” Yakov asked, pushing his questions into personal territory, making it harder for Victor to lie to himself.

Happiness and satisfaction were siblings to each other but were still separate entities. Victor’s body always yearned for the ice, but his heart had grown sick of the heartache and loneliness from the spotlight. If Victor could had anything in the world he would want to skate with Yuuri by his side, to have his light near and close to hisheart “I'm grateful for what I have now, the ice isn't for me anymore.” His words tasted bitter with lies on his tongue, but Victor didn't have the choice to do anytell ong but accept his circumstances.

Red filled in Yakov’s sunken face, his expression tightened with rage and his face trembled “Yurio has been waiting. I've been waiting. The entire world is at your beck and call as they wait. You can't just turn away from the slightest bump in life Victor. Georgi went through the same thing and he didn't drop out like a child.” He growled, glaring down with disappointment and fury “Yuri will not wait for you. Even if you both are family, I won't stand for you to drag him down! You have the responsibility and obligation to train him.” He angrily finished his chilled coffee, but he wasn't quite finished with his rant “You can't run away and hide, the truth will come out.”

Yakov’s words were merciless in honesty, reminding him of the broken promises he had now. “It doesn't matter.” He replied, giving a good stare at Yakov. “You can tell the world if you want.” He suggested in a threatening tone, knowing fully well that Yakov would never do that to him; it would have been inhumanly cruel of Yakov to throw Victor under the bus.

“Don't be foolish. I'm your coach, not a Mafia leader.” Yakov grunted “Can you keep running away from the face of reality? Victor, if you leave, you’ll lose more than your status, Yuri won't return to you once he leaves for the new season. You’ll be alone.” He pulled out a photo and slid it forward to Victor; it was of him with the rest of his fellow Russian skaters Yuri, Georgi, and Mila. 

Knowing fully well that his friends would be moving on and forgetting him certainly did the job of stinging, but Victor refused to give in to Yakov. He was fine the way he was “...I'm not alone, Yakov.” He weakly defended, finding his resolve crumble from the critical jab. It poked his security and doubts began to spill over. Victor had Yuuri. He loved him deeply, but how long until Yuuri found someone who was more honest and deserving. “I'm happy now.” He insisted, he found his resolve wavering, and questioned if he was convincing his coach or himself.

“Cowards don't stay in love for long.” Yakov warned, his voice kept a normal volume, but the words penetrated through Victor like cold ice.“Sooner or later, your lies will bite back. Nothing good comes from this.”

Victor couldn't take it anymore. His thoughts were buzzing like mad, trying to grasp any solid reason to dismiss Yakov’s words. Panic brought Victor to decide on excusing himself from the table, leaving money for his order despite never having finished it; a pity since he always enjoyed eating out. “My future was never going to end on the ice anyway. This is for the best.” Victor reasoned, defending his decision for leaving the ice. 

“Even so, running away isn't the answer to this.” His coach shook his head, disappointment tugged at his lips, it made his appearance look more weary than normal.

Nothing was ever so simple. Almost everything in the world had some controversial elements. Victor pulled forth his superficial smile one last time, the final step off from the world of media and ice before he returned to a new world where Yuuri lived in; a place of normalcy “Yakov, sometimes running away is better before someone breaks.”

Yakov didn't reply. Instead, he only watched Victor leave the cafe, hoping that his student would change his mind soon. He had pushed his wife away due to his own foolish mistake of dropping lies, thinking it was for the best. Pulses of remnant heartache bled through his heart, and his hand gently rubbed on his chest to ease it. The bigger the lie, the worse the fall would be, and Yakov wanted Victor to stop before he fell.   
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! For the low price of money (Jk, this is free), I am available on tumblr for anything https://lacycandy.tumblr.com/ (No nudes tho ;D) or you can drop a comment if you feel like it. 
> 
> I'm a bit tired, so I hope next week I can make it for this fic.


	10. Doloris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really hard to write, and ended up shorter than I wanted, but I guess that's because of the angst. We're almost there guys, to the climax of the story!!  
> Thanks for reading, and for the support <3

Victor expected the anger to bleed through the weakly formed composure his cousin had. Surprise didn't arrive when a hole was punched in the wall, nor did it arrive when Yuri swore at him, but nothing stopped the spiteful words from burning Victor.

“Retiring? Don't give me that shit!” Yuri’s voice struck a rough note, setting fire on the possibilities of a calm conversation, nothing quite stopped Yuri’s fury once it reached a certain point. His fit smashed against Victor’s tea table, the force of his arm tipped the teacups and shook the pot. The silk cover over the table began to bleed with tea, destroying it’s clean silk colour. Victor watched the stains grow, unable to face his cousin directly. The open window was meant to allow fresh air in, but instead sent chills through Victor’s skin.

“I'm sorry, Yuri.” Victor said, unable to bring himself to calm Yuri’s explosion of anger. The last time Victor had seen Yuri this furious was right before Yuuri had visited him for the first time, coincidentally over the same topic. Dealing with an emotional person was always nerve inducing and foreign for Victor, and could only apologize to somehow resolve the fight. “There's nothing else I can do.” he added, and reached out to set his teacup upright again, slightly miffed to see a chip in the polished porcelain; it was his favorite design of blue vines.

Yuri gritted his teeth “‘There’s nothing else I can do’.” He mimicked, his glare sharpened with his tone “You promised. After the season finished, you said you'd come back and choreograph my program.” He crossed his arms “I was patient, I waited for years. You said you'd be back skating by now!” Yuri reminded in a harsh and taut tone. Makkachin who had been peacefully napping by the bedside, was frightened from the fierce noises from Yuri, and quickly jumped off the bed to hide. The sound of pattering paws and nails echoed down the stairs. The exit of the household pet seemed to have provoked some guilt in Yuri as his acrid eyes lessened.

Whenever Yuri confronted Victor, Victor always managed to put off his direct answer, always insisting that by the end of the season he’d try to return, but now he was cornered with the season being over. Evading all approaches for his answer had led him to leading his cousin on the assumption that he’d return after the season. Victor’s fingers gripped the handle of the teapot to refill his cup, anything to avoid having to be directly confront by Yuri “I can't skate anymore.” The words felt foreign on his lips, heavy and far away from Victor’s comprehension. Skating wasn’t a possibility anymore. Victor was in too deep with his falsehoods.  

“You can't?” Yuuri sneered “Or you won't?” he pointed to Victor’s legs “Winning comes effortless for you but when things start becoming difficult, you bail on everyone. You won’t even try to return to the ice.” His chest tightened before it loosed with a frustrated sigh, the anger in his eyes began to cool from the beginning of tears “I've been patient, Victor.” the frustration became evident in his bunched up fist and tight lip “I can’t do this alone.”

“You’re not alone, Yakov, Mila, and Georgi love you very much. And you can go on without me, I know you can surpass me without my help.” Victor assured, moving forward to squeeze Yuri’s hand. He had faith that Yuri had the talent to exceed him, it only saddened that he wouldn’t be there to see it on ice.

Yuri used his other hand to wipe away the tear on his cheek “I won't come back, you know.” He warned, trying to make it seem like threat when both were aware it was simply the inevitable truth they had tried to avoid.

“Yeah. I know.” Victor said, his heart throbbed in nostalgia as he took note how his cousin had grown up since he first stepped on ice. It hurt, to know that Victor would be unable to keep up his promise to guide Yuri while competing with him.

Victor’s passive reply seemed to have roused Yuri’s temper slightly “Don't just say ‘I know’.” he sighed in frustration “Do you even care that everyone is giving up on you? Yakov won’t even speak about you to anyone.”

“I do care, but this is how it’s supposed to be.”

“ I'm not stupid Victor.” Yuri quieted down “I know you're hiding something.” He paused as if to debate whether he wanted to ask his question; if it was justified or not “...Does your boyfriend at least know why you’re refusing to seek help?”

Victor blinked, registering what Yuri was exactly asking for “No.” he hoped Yuri would be eased by the lack of discrimination of his secret. Instead, he was slammed with another angry outburst.

“Are you joking me?” The voice cracked but carried Yuri’s anger effectively; each word a bullet to Victor “You go on about how wonderful, how sweet and straightforward he is, but you won't give anyone the satisfaction of opening up to.” His next words burned through Victor’s heart “It's like you don't care about anyone else besides yourself.”

Victor didn't say anything.

A dry laugh drizzled out of Yuri, growing to something sarcastic “Nothing. If you can't be cheerful you won't say anything. Not even to family. Not even to your boyfriend that you ‘love’.” his words were merciless, cruel, and worst yet, the truth.

“I have my reasons.” Victor defended, reaching for his tea to sip; bitter and somewhat dull.

“That isn't good enough, Victor.” Yuri said “Everyone has reasons for something. But that doesn't mean you're always right, and right now, you're wrong and an asshole for ditching everyone. You could at least tell me your reasons for giving up, for your lies.”

Victor refused to yield. If Yuri felt that ranting and lashing out on him would help the pain of leaving, he wouldn't stop him.

“At least say something. This is the last time I’ll speak to you, cause this is it. This is goodbye.” Yuri waited, for Victor to fight back with words. For something honest to be uttered from him, but all he received was silence. Every time he was confronted, Victor only gave silence. Yuri reluctantly turned away with his luggage, carrying all that he needed to return to Russia for his training, dragging all that he needed with him out the house “Fine. You can sulk and rot away for all I care, but I’m not waiting for you anymore.”

Victor felt his strings of heart stretch as his cousin walked away, foreshadowing heartbreak the further Yuri was. Until finally, he slammed the door shut, the strings of his heart snapped. His heart bled on the floor, creating a mess no one would see in the large walls of the house, with a cold breeze blowing through him, leaving him feeling cold and empty as reality shifted for him. Victor was alone now. There was no one with him anymore. Seconds ran by, minutes built up, and his body turned numb and frigid in the isolation of his room.

After a few moments of soaking in the realization, Victor stiffly reached for his phone and dialed a number. Anticipation built as the buzzer continued, and it made Victor increasingly aware of his nervous heartbeat. _Please pick up. Please._

“Victor?” The voice was casual, normal, and calm.

Victor took a breath to begin his words, but he didn't know what to say, or where to start. He just needed to call Yuuri. To hear him. To know he would still be there to talk, and accept him. Hearing Yuuri call his name pacified his heart, the tremble in his fingers and lip. “Sorry, I know it’s your day off, but I um…” Victor wet his lip, trying to pull composure over his voice before he continued “..needed to hear your voice.”

A breath was exhaled through the line, and Yuuri spoke quietly “Are you alright, Victor?”

“I’m not sure.” Victor replied, his hand brushed over his face and threaded through his curtained bangs “I don’t know what to do.” he admitted, trying with all his effort to hold himself together.

The sound of shuffling began to take over and Yuuri’s muffled voice spoke before he returned to the phone “Why don’t I drop by then?” Yuuri suggested.

“Please.” Victor said, closing his eyes to visualize Yuuri’s presence, to further balm his drowning sense of abandonment.

“I’ll bring some sweets then, I accidentally made double the amount of macaroons, I’m still trying to work out the proportions myself for the batter.” Yuuri chuckled softly, even if strained, Victor was thankful for his words filling up the silence.

Victor understood Yuuri’s need to calculate ingredients to exact measurements and adjust so he made roughly the amount he needed. The chances of him going over his daily mad batch to that extent was far from realistic; but Victor couldn't call Yuuri out for his lie and found himself remaining dead quiet, he was having a hard time pulling out his cheery attitude. It was just a few words he needed to say, to have his voice become upbeat for a few seconds, nothing physical or tedious; pretending that he was happy shouldn't have be so difficult. He’s done this before.

“I could use your help in finishing them.” Yuuri added, picking up on Victor’s internal struggle. “Eating them without your tea feels a bit empty.” His tone was slightly breathy, but it warmed Victor’s heart and nerves.

Victor couldn’t find the energy to resist Yuuri’s gentle offering, not with his loneliness flaring and consuming him. “I’d like that. A lot.” his self control wavered with just one word, but he held himself back from allowing any more pieces to spill out.

“I’ll be there soon.” Yuuri promised, lingering a little longer on the line, and both listened to each other’s quiet breathing as they felt the need to say more before Yuuri finally hung up.

Victor listened to the sound of the dead line closely, before he also hung up. Fatigue soaked into his bones, so he slumped in his chair, trying to relax and regain a bit more energy into his limbs. Normally he could handle his cousin’s temper, but today was a combinations exhaustion and despair. His head leant back, resting and waiting for Yuuri to arrive, and unintentionally met the edge of sleep. Lately he had trouble sleeping, normally cuddling with his dog helped, but lately he was feeling restless. Perhaps it was because he was emotionally exhausted that he was finding himself extremely drowsy despite it still being in the middle of the day. Still somewhat awake, Victor wondered if Yuuri would sleep beside him if he asked, it would have been nice he imagined. There was the party last time, where he was drunk and they ended up sleeping beside each other, but Victor had been unfortunately, too drunk to properly enjoy the shared body heat.

Suddenly, a cold finger stroked over his neck, lulling him awake. A slightly rounded face peered at him with a dark eyes. To most people, it was the kind of face that blended in the crowd and went unnoticed with how ordinary he seemed. Yuuri had a modestly shaped nose, humbled lips, and glasses that dulled the shine in his eyes. When Victor had seen him the first time he barely noticed Yuuri, but after getting close with him, Yuuri never failed to breathe life into him with his dimpled smile and dark eyes. “Yuuri.” He sighed, closing his eyes to lean against his cold fingers.

Yuuri’s expression brightened while he did his best to withhold it through bitten lips “I rang the bell, but you didn’t answer, I hope you don’t mind that I invited myself in.” the sound of thick paper crinkled as he set a paper bag on Victor’s nightstand, the thick sweet aroma gave away the identity of macarons. “I was a little worried.” He explained.

“Course I don’t mind. I gave you the password to my house so you could come over whenever you wish. Makkachin loves it when you visit, whenever he’s awake from his naps.” Victor smiled, rubbing over his sleep heavy eyes and gestured Yuuri over “Help me over to my bed, I’d like to sit more comfortably now that you’re here.”

Being the gentleman that he was, Yuuri efficiently guided Victor to the bed beside them, taking both of Victor’s hands into his as he set him sitting up on the side of the mattress, he treated him like glass. Quickly after, Yuuri brought over the tea set and set it by the table “Did something happen today?” he finally asked, the question asked in gentle tones but sunk with weight “You seemed upset.”

Nodding slightly, Victor took to staring at the side of his window “I’m afraid that my cousin and my coach have run out of patience for me.” saying it outloud felt like acceptance, which he needed to accept; he didn’t have a choice otherwise. “Yuri was furious with me… Which I don’t blame him for, I promised him I’d choreograph his program when he was young.” his throat dried a bit but he managed to push it back down “I’ve disappointed everyone.” the truth scorched his tongue and lips, and left a sharp taste in his mouth.

“Victor...” Yuuri began, finding his own heart sink from the misery his swain was facing, but understood that Victor needed to finish his sentence; to let it all out. He was grateful Victor trusted him enough to call him, so he did what he deemed appropriate; he listened and prepared the tea in a quiet manner, his fingers moved slowly and carefully as his attention focused on Victor and hated having to watch him unravel to pieces.

“I know they won’t come back. Not with how I am now. I know why… but I guess I wanted them to stay.” a tight feeling took hold of his throat and lungs “For the past while, I told myself I was okay, but all I’ve ever done was lie about the truth.” Victor was rambling, he knew it, but he couldn’t stop himself, he had been running away from everything, and now he needed to confess large parts of his guilt, to somehow relieve the weight on his shoulders “This is it. This is what I deserve.” his fingers gripped his blankets in the rise of frustration.

Yuuri abandoned the tea he was preparing, and took to sitting beside Victor, hesitantly placed his hand over Victor’s, his cold fingers stroked over his knuckles. “No you don’t.” he corrected strongly, he looked straight at Victor’s eyes, taking in his clear eyes “You’re in pain, and you don’t  deserve that.” Yuuri cupped over Victor’s fingers “Not everyone stays but some people do. If people choose to leave, you can’t blame yourself for it. You have your reasons for lying. You’re afraid, and that’s okay to feel like that.” the words tasted bittersweet on his tongue. Yuuri’s words were directed towards Victor but he felt them resonate with his own regrets. “No matter what you decide to do, I’ll stay with you.”

“Even if I never go back to skating…?” Victor asked, his own hand clinging for Yuuri’s, gripping tightly while his eyes wore a vivid blue through clear ice.Tears weren’t supposed to build up, the heavy weight of his tangled emotions weren’t supposed to break free and become a display of his inner turmoil. Despite the hot tears Victor continued on with his hushed cries, grateful for the person he gripped tightly to, knowing he can trust and  confide Yuuri his grief without the risk of betrayal. He needed this, to have someone he felt loved and trust towards to, no yelling or criticisms. Just warmth.

“I’ll stay. I’ll stay for as long as you need me.” Yuuri replied, his hand slip up Victor’s arm and guided him gently to rest over his shoulder “I’ll stay because I love you.”

Tears weren’t supposed to build up, the heavy weight of his tangled emotions weren’t supposed to break free and become a display of his inner turmoil. Despite the hot tears Victor continued on with his hushed cries, grateful for the person he gripped tightly to, knowing he can trust and  confide Yuuri his grief without the risk of betrayal. He needed this, to have someone he felt loved and trust towards to, no yelling or criticisms. Just warmth with Yuuri. “Thank you.” he choked, nuzzling right against Yuuri’s neck, wanting to hide away from the world.

Minutes passed, and at some point they blended into an hour, and Victor and Yuuri were laying over the bed in each other’s arms. Both were awake, but breathed in the calamity that arrived after Victor’s breakdown.

“Today, I argued with my sister over the phone. She called me in the morning. It was… Ugly.” he admitted, sighing as he recalled the hurtful words that were exchanged “All I do is run away from my family, and the few times that we actually call each other always end up with people getting hurt.” Yuuri nuzzled into Victor’s hair, enjoying the sweet grapefruit scent, he must have changed his shampoo from the usual lemon.

Victor reveled in the affectionate touch of his partner and brushed closer as he emphasized with Yuuri’s problems  “Are you okay?” he asked, slightly muffled as he was pressed over Yuuri’s shirt, his fingers tugged the cloth to his face, to take in more of his lavender scent as he listened to his rich heartbeat.

The soft chuckle made Yuuri’s chest vibrate  “What about you?” his hand reached up to stroke Victor’s starlight hair, admiring the silky texture as they combed down to his neck.

The russian man nodded “I’m okay.” It felt gratifying to say the truth with how he felt, and to be content with it. He turned to Yuuri “Are you going to be okay? With your family?” Victor asked, wanting to know a little more about Yuuri. It was ironic now that he thought on it; they loved each other but didn’t even know the deeper parts of each other’s lives. Even if it was just a pinch of the truth of Yuuri’s problems, Victor wanted to hear about it.

“...I’m trying to be.” Yuuri mumbled, sighing away the weariness of his day. “I know you have your secrets, and I won’t push you, but I hope you somehow find peace with yourself.”

“I hope so too.” Victor said, closing his eyes to taking in Yuuri’s warmth and scent in his memories, carving it into his brain so he wouldn’t forget this moment of familiarity and genuine closeness. As long as Victor had Yuuri by his side he would be satisfied with his life. This moment needed to be cherished and unblemished, so Victor promised himself, he would tell Yuuri everything the next time they saw each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please buckle up, this is the chapter before the tsunami of pain hits.
> 
> ...
> 
> Which is why I may be taking a break as my cousin's wedding is approaching. I have no idea if I'll have wifi(I'm headed to a different country so no data for me :c ), so I'll release the chapter either before June 2nd or after June 7th. 
> 
> As usual, comments help me out a lot so please drop one if you have time.


	11. Veritas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it...It’s been a tough time for me lately which caused a lot of delay. At least the experience helped me write this. Not going to lie guys, but this was really hard to write. Not because of writer's block... More like, the angst got too much for me and I needed breaks. So, please tread carefully and I hope you guys aren't offended as I am doing my utmost best to avoid that.

  **To: Yuuri**

**(1:13 am) Are you still awake?**

The phone chimed and buzzed. Yuuri glanced at his phone’s screen, and debated about ignoring it since it was so late, he immediately replied once he saw the contact name. Normally Victor was sleeping around this time, or at least away from his phone. Typically it was Phichit that would send texts to him during odd hours due to the time difference. It was a bit worrying to receive a sudden text from Victor in the middle of the night, it was so it of place since he tended to fall asleep around 10pm.

**To: Victor**

**(1:14 am) Mostly. Been kind of restless… One of those days I guess. What’s up?**

Staying up so late wasn’t the best choice since he had work the following day, but he couldn't shake off the restless feeling in his limbs. Going for a run that evening helped lighten the frustration, but not enough to allow his fatigue to settle in. The sky had been so clear while the streets were deserted of its usual elderly wanderers. Besides the mild worry of danger, it was worth seeing the night sky blanketed with stars with the moon illuminating his path. Despite the pleasant weather during his jog, the world outside his room was heavy with rain.Yuuri placed  his glasses on his night table, and his phone buzzed again in his hand before he could begin preparing for bed. 

**To: Yuuri**

**(1:20 am) I hope that goes away, restlessness is never fun to deal with**

**(1:21 am) Been thinking about you… everything. I’d like to meet up sometime. Just to get some stuff off my chest.**

**(1:22 am) It’s nothing dangerous or illegal, promise. I need to tell you.**

Yuuri read the text twice, slid over his bed, and chuckled at Victor's additional text; he couldn't quite imagine Victor involved with something criminal in nature, he was far too sweet. It was the one of many parts of Victor that he loved; how openly kind he could be, especially to Yuuri. Quickly his fingers tapped to provide a joking reply.

**To: Victor**

**(1:22 am) Good. I'm not going to lie I was worried that I might have to call the police ;)**

Teasing was fun on the occasion. Yuuri enjoyed it in small amount with people he was close with. In addition, Yuuri had the feeling that Victor was anxious about something, which would have explained the late night text. Yuuri then sent an additional text before he began changing into a clean shirt and boxers, showering after working out was ideal but he wanted to stay available for Victor’s texts in case he needed him. Showering could happen in the morning.

**(1:23 am) Are you sure you want to tell me? You don’t have to.**

Yuuri wanted to be sure that Victor knew he could change his mind, so he wouldn't need to feel obligated to go through an pressure to tell him. Everyone has secrets, and sometimes it's better to simply not know what the truth is. A minute passed as Yuuri waited for a reply, he headed to bed, lifting the corner of the blanket to slip under and allow his sore muscles to rest. 

**To: Yuuri**

**(1:30 am) I have to. I need to say it.**

**(1:31 am) Can you come over this weekend? I know it's a bit sudden, anytime is fine with me if it's bad timing.**

The sudden rise in seriousness was rare for Victor; things only ever took a somber tone when it needed it to be. Yuuri took out his calendar on his phone to check his availability.

**To Victor**

**(1:33 am) I can stop by the afternoon, 1pm on Saturday.**

Sooner would have been preferable, but Yuuri had a feeling that both would require the spare time to prepare themselves for what was to come. Yuuri would never admit it, but he felt hesitancy. If Victor’s truth was cruel and hard, Yuuri wondered if it was worth knowing. Keeping his family ignorant of his reasons for leaving saved the unnecessary flood of hardship for both sides, but left things unfinished and raw for his family.

**To: Yuuri**

**(1:33 am) Please, if you have time. I've thought about this, and I know what I need to do.**

Listening was easy for Yuuri to do, because he all he needed to do was be there to help alleviate the burdens of a loved one. It was sort of therapeutic to listen to others when he didn't have anyone to listen to his troubles and doubts. Yuuri rolled his ankles to empty the crack in his joints, he was starting to get a bit tired.

**To: Victor**

**(1:34 am) I always have time, my shop isn't that busy this week.**

**To: Yuuri**

**(1:34 am) I'll see you there then.**

**Goodnight? It is a bit late...**

Yuuri wanted to talk more, but he took Victor’s suggestion as a sign that he needed to call it a night before he regretted it. There was too many times when Yuuri was busy on his phone that he ended up staying awake for the entire evening: a bad habit he needed to curb for his future health.

**To: Victor**

**(1:36 am) Goodnight, V.**

**To: Yuuri**

**(1:36) Goodnight! :3 I love you <3**

Such straightforward words never ceased to make Yuuri’s heart flutter and float. Being in love was unusual for him, it was a bit difficult to properly process and respond in a sophisticated manner. Love always made him a bit clumsy and unsure. He wasn't complaining though, he was grateful to have a trusting bond with Victor. Yuuri turned eventually turned off his phone after he read through a few pages of a novel before his eyelids desired sleep. He was careful to place his phone beside his glasses instead of over them. The brightness of his screen had done little to nullify the fatigue in his eyes, but Yuuri continued to think about Victor. His silk hair, bright eyes, pink tinted nose from long exposure to the cold, and his playful smile that worked to create a beautiful man; a man with unbearable loneliness when silent. Loneliness that Yuuri shared but didn’t quite understand to connect with empathy. 

A sigh left Yuuri’s lips, he turned his head to rest on the side, and stared at the darkness of his room. He closed his eyes and searched for his answer to his undefined questions. Victor trusted him, and Yuuri trusted Victor. Yet he was still terrified of telling Victor why he was avoiding his family, unwilling to open his hidden wounds in fear of them worsening. Family was undoubtedly a value Victor carried highly in his heart, and would never understand his reasons for leaving them. It was his shame in life that he couldn't bare to look directly at. But if Victor was going to open up about his own past while trusting Yuuri, he wanted to trust in Victor just as much by opening up as well. 

Ever since he confessed his affections for Victor, it crossed his mind on several times that it was possible that he was seeking retribution for himself through him, but Yuuri understood himself to be above that. Being with Victor didn't erase his troubles, but it made him feel more eager for the future. His feelings were sincere and strong, he wanted a close future with Victor. Marriage maybe, if it worked out.

Perhaps through Victor’s confession,  he too would find the courage to better himself and resolve his relations with family again. Despite his best attempts to trust and place his faith in what Victor had to say, his gut would twist in warning. Yuuri told himself it was just his anxiety taking hold of his good sense, that his sleep driven mind was creating nonsense. Even if his problems with family was resolved, his dreams of the ice were impossible to repair, he had missed his chance. Being with Victor was enough. He needed it to be. 

Slumber settled over his eyes, locking them in place with its weight as his passing thoughts slowed and stopped to the last visual memory he had of his family before he left the country; childhood friends Yuuko and Nishigori asking if he really wanted to leave, Minako his ballet teacher wanting to help him avoid giving up, his mother and father hugging him and kissing his cheek, and his sister Mari demanding him to look her in the eye and explain his reason for leaving. All of them were tucked away from his consciousness to spare the pain and regret of choosing to leave his home for a different world. Placing himself in a foreign country and throwing himself in work didn't remove his homesickness, how much he loved the salted air of his hometown’s ocean, or his wish to forget it all.

* * *

 

The pounding of his heartbeat told the spread of adrenaline and anxiety in Victor's skin. His fingers held tightly to his phone as he finished bidding Yuuri goodnight, knuckles white and tense,  wanting to cling to the last connection to Yuuri to stave off the anxieties he had for the following week. Victor didn’t want to remember the lonely days he had ahead of him before he could see Yuuri again. 

Makkachin wined beside him and nudge his nose over his elbow, Victor’s  fingers stroked over his head to comfort his loyal companion, it was easing the loneliness he was living in. 

He was really doing it. Telling the entire truth. The ‘who’, ‘what’, ‘when’, ‘where’ and ‘why’ of his choice. An outcome he thought to be impossible with how he lived his life. Even if it was just one person, it meant a lot to have an intimate relationship with another person; for an easy flow of trust.

That night Victor knew he wasn't going to get any sleep, insomnia drummed through his brain and eyes, keeping his mind awake and alert. It was his coffee, fear, and his dog that kept him company for the evening, and he did his best to accept it with grace and dignity. He didn’t have a choice otherwise. Better to make peace with it for a few more days. 

Preparation was required, or so Victor believed. He needed to get his house polished and cleaned for Yuuri’s visit. Normally it didn't matter as much since they were so familiar with each other, but it was important for things to be immaculate now, and cleaning things up to enhance the aesthetic of things calmed parts of himself. Improving what he could control gave Victor the sense of security he needed for his nerves to remain controlled, it made him believe that things wouldn't fall apart as badly if everything surrounding them was perfect and first class.

A list was created overnight. Victor sat at his desk with a leather notebook and a silk ink pen. It addressed the marbled floors and walls needing to be polished, the glass doors and windows to be cleaned, chandeliers and tables dusted, a new tea set, and perhaps new furniture if there were any available sets Victor liked. Not all of it would have been possible to check off in such a short time, but it convinced Victor that everything was better with his list; it made things simpler and easier to lie to himself.

He got through half the list by the time the sun had set on Friday. Unfortunately, his order for a new porcelain tea set was delayed due to the original delivery being destroyed from faulty packaging, and no helpers were available to bring in new furniture. At least his house was spotless. Barely good enough for Yuuri. 

Victor slept easier that night, but awoke in the vestige of a nightmare, it was gone in memory and left him in cold sweat. His fingers twitched and grip the sheets, his chest heaved heavily, and his eyes darted around his room to find something to ground him to reality. Makkachin barked and jumped, catching his attention and stepping forward to nudge Victor’s face. He rubbed his eyes and leaned against his dog. Having kept everything in for so long had made it difficult to know where to start, predicting where it will all go, what he might lose, and what Yuri would say. In an ideal world, Yuuri would still love and accept him without question after this, but a normal person would be troubled by his truths. God. His entire being was running on fear Sleep returned after a small dose of melatonin, bringing him empty sleep that did the job of getting enough rest for his body, but failed to ease his mind of troubles.

Morning transitioned and arrived in the form of sunlight through his window. Delicate, warm, and quiet. Just what Victor needed; a positive sign. Victor remained in his bed, just to cling to the warm center of his blankets. Yuuri will know everything after today, and Victor wanted to be ready. He wasn't sure how exactly Yuuri would take it, but he had confidence that it would be by surprise with how he was going to tell him. Shock would occur, then procession, but what would follow felt ambiguous. Or rather obvious, but Victor didn’t like the idea of Yuuri becoming hateful for his falsehoods and wanted to avoid thinking on how his expression would look.

Uncertainty struck through. There was no doubt Yuuri loved him, and that fact made Victor even more apprehensive for how he would take it. Makkachin shuffled underneath his thick blankets to greet Victor, his nose prodded Victor’s face; once again sensing his discomfort and wanting to help soothe him. Victor couldn’t help his mind from wandering to a place of wanting to turn back from where he was going to avoid ruining something good in his life.

Victor eventually caved in to his pet’s demand to get up from bed after an hour of his dog picking up his leash and dropping it over his face. Victor sat up he led himself to the lower floor and opened his backyard door, Makkachin’s excited jumps often made the process more difficult of unlocking the door. On any other day he would take him out for a slow walk, but today he wanted to dedicate it to getting ready to present himself neat and preened for Yuuri’s visit. Every tiny bit mattered. 

The sky was softly touched by clouds, and the sunlight sank into the soil and gently warmed the earth back to life. Victor found himself pulled in by the weather’s balmy feel. He chose to lay under the only large maple tree in the center of the field, staring at the still branches and swaying leaves. The sunlight created a veil of varying shades of green among the leaves. The world was beautiful this way; Rustling leaves that danced in the wind, birds chirping and soaring through the air, and the soft bed of grass under his skin, this always filled him with tranquility. Nature subdued most of Victor’s worries, but a tiny crack in his heart warned him of the inevitable. Yuuri wouldn't be happy with the truth. 

Makkachin eventually burned out all of his energy and plopped over to Victor to paw his arm to go back inside. Victor’s dog never failed to tire quickly after being let out. The sun was held in the middle of the sky, and indication that meant it was almost afternoon. Yuuri would arrive soon. Victor rushing back inside and cleaned himself up; brushed his hair and teeth, washed his face, and gave a silent wish. He finished with ten minutes to spare. Everything was into place, as perfect as it all could have been.

When the buzzer of the gates went off and signaled Victor’s phone, he freezed up and stared at his phone’s notification; asking him to open or close the gate. He took  a heavy breath to provoke any pieces of determination he had left to see this through; to rip the band aid off of a blooming problem. Victor’s finger swiped down ‘open’  and he could already imagine Yuuri approaching his mansion with his back straight with a well timed walk, open expression, and his well formed arms holding gently to his packages. All of these parts of Yuuri were reflections of who he was, and Victor loved him all the more for it. How strongly gentle he could be, and forward with what he wanted if allowed. The growing feeling of dread and excitement competed for dominance in Victor, ultimately paralyzing him to remain in the living room until the door was finally knocked on. 

It was time.

* * *

Yuuri favored routine. He enjoyed the predictable and simple nature of it. In many ways, he found that it was his core.  A simple man. Meeting Victor threw his scheduled life into chaos, and it brought forth old emotions he wanted to forget; excitement and adrenaline of his childhood aspirations. Victor was an unpredicted encounter, it made Yuuri stumble and lose himself in the bittersweet nostalgia. How all the bruises and sores he formed under the time he dedicated on the ice as a child, were for nothing. The change was unwanted, but needed. Adjusting to the weekly visits took time, but Yuuri was grateful for the chance to become familiar with Victor. To learn about him, and to sincerely fall in love with him as a person. Yuuri’s feet gently stepped over to the steps of Victor’s house, knocking the dark oak, and waited. The lack of response prompted Yuuri to recall that Victor’s cousin had left. As he was about to head over to the garage door to punch in the code to enter, the click of metal signaled the door unlocking. The door was pulled open, the movement called for Yuuri’s eyes to instinctively search for the source of the opened lock. 

Wind rushed through Yuuri, taking away any thoughts and feeling of anticipation. His heart stopped. Shivers ran through Yuuri’s skin, poking holes in him to fill with confusion as he took in the silvery strands of hair that tickled over a deep blue eye. One beat passed in his chest before his blood turned cold.

Victor gave a tight smile, somewhat nervous, and slightly vulnerable. There was no greetings, no smiles from Yuuri as reality dragged him straight into the ground, making it difficult to breathe and process it all. Victor stood there, perfectly still; wordless as he waited for Yuuri to break the silence. Smiling.

The sudden twisting of his chest took the air from his lungs, crushing it, leaving rare fury in its wake. “Victor.” Yuuri breathed, trying to catch his breath and properly word out the only thing he could think of “What the hell is this?”He questioned in a tense voice, his fingers tightened as they took on his boiling anger.

Victor’s eyes flinched in pain, but Yuuri was too caught in his own growing anger to calm himself. The Russian stepped back and gestured inside “Let’s talk in the living room.” he mumbled, hoping to get through this in the open. It wasn’t over yet, it could end fine.

It was hard to look at each other, one refused to look out of shame and the other out of fury. The living room was immaculately neat, clean, and isolating with cold white colour decorating the walls. Yuuri stared down at the table waiting for Victor to explain himself, though he had a feeling whatever explanation he'd be given, kindness would be difficult to muster. 

Victor sat across from Yuuri, spooning dried tea leaves into the filled teapot to create purpose for the silence. Out of all their sessions together, this one felt uncomfortably hollow and cold. The leaves seeped in hot water, needing several minutes until it was ready. Despite the silence, the atmosphere only worsened in weight; Yuuri was now staring holes through Victor in expectancy “Why did you lie?” the words were wrinkled in vexation. “Just… I need to understand why.” A dry laugh escaped and his eyes were inky with dejection “Was it to mess with me?"

“No!” Victor answered quickly, shaking his head in denial to Yuuri’s question. Confrontation was a rare situation for Victor, having to always hide away his real feelings in avoidance of hurting easily trampled feelings; saving himself trouble in the long run of his career. The cost, however, was the ability to settle the inevitable clashing with others. 

Victor needed to tread carefully to explain in details. To clear up any misconceptions, and to salvage what he could. This wasn't going as he hoped it would. A shaky breath was exchanged as he further unraveled his tangled story “I started off... needing a wheelchair.” Victor's hands squeezed together in his lap “Being so used to routine, I grew careless. I'm still unsure how it happened, maybe it was because I lacked focus that day, or perhaps I hadn’t stretched properly.” He set up the teacups with saucers “But… One moment I was on the ice, and the next I’ve crashed into glass protector and someone calls an ambulance because I couldn’t move right. The doctor said it was a fractured pelvis, easy fix with surgery and physical therapy.” Victor wet his lips before continuing “My coach thought I was crying that day because I wouldn’t make it for the new season. He was wrong though.” Retelling the story felt surreal but Victor couldn't quite feel surprised in his current situation. This day was going to come, sooner or later; but even that knowledge failed to console his drowning heartbreak to Yuuri’s distant gaze. “Recovery was never the issue.” His smile felt weak but it fit perfectly to how he felt. Dread and honesty never so relieving to feel; a bittersweet sort of happiness doomed for failure “It was the feeling of relief, the possibility of leaving the burdens that dragged me down was here. I could breathe again. It felt like a blessing to have that sudden refuge from the noise of the world, the escape from the media following my every step.” The words flowed out easily, likely due to having been in Victor’s head for too long “When I was told I could resume my career, I only wanted to remain in the quietly hidden life I had here.”

Yuuri nodded for Victor to continue, wanting to wait to hear everything before he spoke; to give him a chance to pacify his anger and to properly hear all of the details. “Go on.” He encouraged, his voice soft but eyes still unforgiving. “I won’t say anything until you finish.” he said.

Victor appreciated knowing that “...Everything was bright and pure when I started. As I skated further on in my life, the thing I wanted shifted further from me, growing dimmer and blurred, until I had no idea where and who I was.” Victor reached for the handle of the teapot, thumb resting over the rose porcelain, he had tea to prepare for his guest. It might be for the last time. “Growing up, from that point was draining, everything that made me feel alive was gone, but no one could see it. The media started to wonder when I would fail and retire. So many were waiting to celebrate my fall; for the inevitable when my age catches up on me. All of it built over the years… And I just… I needed an escape. To disappear from the world’s eyes before any more pieces of myself break off..” He poured the tea, Yuuri first, then himself “Faking happiness is hard, especially if the world keeps a close eye on you. It... drains you.” Victor sighed “To salvage the remaining love I had for ice, I needed to escape without giving the world the satisfaction to celebrate my failures, to keep it safe and untouched. I just wanted to love the ice.” 

Yuuri quietly accepted his tea, slowly finishing it as Victor waited. Normally Yuuri was easy to read with his open demeanor, but now there was this wall that Victor couldn’t see through, it was borderline isolation with how his body angled away from Victor. 

The pain of rejection was searing, but he could only accept it and wait for Yuuri’s response. The seconds only pushed his pain further in, his heartbeat  on the edge of overworking. It was as he remained helpless, that the feeling of dread continued to spread under his skin, waiting to break through and destroy his being. Whatever that was to come, anything was better than for Yuuri to leave him  without a word, Victor wouldn't die if he did, but he hadn't had enough time with Yuuri. He wanted to be with him just a bit longer. One more day, kiss and touch shared together. “I didn’t mean to lie to you. I got scared. The closer we were, the more I wanted to avoid the truth of my lies, I wanted to be in love as long as possible.”

 The porcelain cup was placed down with a muted clink to the matching saucer, unfinished. As Yuuri inhaled through his nose, he closed his eyes and focused his mind, clarifying any muddled thoughts to find his resolution. The anger he carried inside didn’t die, but wasn’t raging chaos inside. Yuuri’s eyes met with Victor’s when he exhaled, effulgent and straightforward. “It must have been hard, to have to face all of that.” Yuuri empathized, voice small but clear. His eyes did not change in strength,but they had a bittersweet sort of look to them as his jaw was tight with resentment. He sat up and straightened his sweater before he got to his feet “Thank you for the tea, Victor. It was sweet.”

The response wasn't the one Victor expected. The fear that pumped in his veins cooled, freezing him, the storm hadn't quite passed yet; there was their relationship’s state that needed to be addressed. “Are you leaving?” The double meaning to his question rose in the air, waiting to be answered. Victor found himself standing up to his feet to walk with Yuuri if he began to exit his house.

Yuuri’s eyes sharpened when Victor stood, but his voice remained calm “I’m not sure.” His fingers curled and tightened as he looked away from Victor, too disappointed to make eye contact “I love you, Victor. I love you a lot, but I don’t know if I can’t hate you after this.”

The words were bullets to Victor. His eyes widened and a sharp breath of air was taken. “Yuuri, I…” his body was sinking and his emotions blew into chaos around him. All of this felt wrong. His stomach twisted and burned, his nose tingled and eyes welled with mild tears.

“What am I supposed to do?” Yuuri snapped to Victor’s face, his teeth gritted, and face reddened from anger. fury swirled with grief and it showed through his crumbling composure “You had everything I dreamed of. You were my dream for the longest of time. My childhood dream I worked for.” The intensity grew in his eyes and voice “You straight up lied to everyone. Lying about a disability isn't okay, Victor. It hurts so many people, not just me.” Yuuri didn't seem to be finished with what he wanted to say, but he found his voice turned mute when he caught sight of Victor’s expression. Immediately his rage sizzled and died, there was enough damage done today.

Victor’s eyes were quietly staring at the ground in shame as he took in his words. His hands cupped his elbows, holding himself up from a breakdown. “I'm sorry.” He whispered.

Any anger Yuuri had was quickly put out, leaving the growing sadness and disappointment to simmer. Instinctively, his fingers loosened and he raised his arm to touch Victor’s cheek, but stopped himself from touching him. A sigh left him, it made his heart ache in regret for his harsh words. His anger was justified, but he should have handled it better; he wasn't a child. “I know you are. Which is why I need to leave.” Yuuri needed to separate himself from Victor to avoid further lashing out, there was enough heartbreak between them. 

Victor tended and jerked his head up, eyes wide “Are you coming back?” He took a step forward and Yuuri resisted from stepping away.There was a very real possibility that once Yuuri left the house he wouldn't return.

That was a good question. “I will… I don't know when, but right now I need to leave to avoid saying anything worse.” Yuuri turned away, each step carried his weight with understanding to who he was walking away room “You’re still important to me Victor.” He added, for it might have been worth. He excused himself from the  house, leaving Victor alone in his house. The sunlight was bright and alive, but the sky still rained down on him. It was unfair for the world to cry and smile without a care. 

Yuuri walked toward to his car, trying to contain his mixed emotions until he got home, but sometime as he was driving back, he couldn’t help but choke out a cry. It was all so unfair. For the longest of time, Yuuri thought he could be satisfied with broken dreams if he had baking as a way to live, but that was a lie. Everyday he insisted that he was happier to live far from his home, but the only thing he ever wanted to do was to return back to when he was 18, young and hopeful, and redo everything. Then Victor surprises him by wanting to get close, unexpectedly making him love Victor’s clear eyes, how they never seemed to waver in sincerity. With the new revelation of Victor’s physical state, Yuuri found it hard to trust his memories with Victor. It all seemed felt worthless now. Their shared moments of intimate pain and closeness were stained with Victor’s deceptions. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do now that he had nothing again.

* * *

 The house was empty again. Victor was expecting this, and yet he believed it would turn out fine. Naive and stupid was what Victor was. His body was a collection of despair and shame eating his strength, his body slumped as he leaned to pick up Yuuri’s cup. His gaze traced the small puddle of tea left, and regretted for how it all turned out. He was greedy to want more, but Victor wished he had kissed Yuuri once more before he brought out his ugly truth. Lips touched the porcelain tip, and finished the rest. A sharp breath escaped, the teacup dropped and shattered, and Victor traced his own lip, ignoring the pieces of grief that wet his cheeks “Bitter.” he said, describing the tea. Everything was so terribly bitter and wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My grandma had a stroke when I was young, and had to use a wheelchair before she passed. It was hard seeing her like that, so I hope you guys understand that I don't justify Victor's lies. It's cowardly and selfish to do that, but it is human nature to be flawed when things become desperate and painful. I made a horrible mistake this week that made me break down in tears out of shame. Disappointing people who trust you is the worst feeling, and the shame I carry is a punishment. 
> 
> True phenomenon: Raining while it’s sunny, I’ve seen it happen a few times, and it’s calls Sunshower. It's my favorite weather as it always kind of seemed like a bittersweet sort of occurrence. Exams have arrived so I'll be busy again, but I do hope to finish this story soon. I have so much I want to tell you guys of the future chapters I have, and I hope you can forgive me for these delayed chapters. I will finish this though. 
> 
> In the meantime, please let me know what you think. Comments help me a lot, and I want to get to know guys more. Thank you for putting up with my late updates, life hasn't been too kind lately but writing helps me cope so I hope you guys take solace that I never forget to write a little bit each day.


	12. Remissio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Turned 18 on June 22! It’s a bit scary now that I can go to adult jail if I break the law, but I don't think I'll be doing anything illegal anytime soon. 
> 
> This time, the chapter focuses on Yuuri, so I hope you'll enjoy this since it's more lighthearted (still kinda angsty). Thanks for all the sweet comments guys, the last chapter kinda affected me with how dark it was.

* * *

Hardship brings out the best and the worst in people. It's very much like a test to see the potential of others;to see how noble or selfish they can be. The expectation of others to play their social or family role perfectly as tv, was an unfair standard to that of reality.

From the start, Yuuri knew Victor wasn't perfect, but he never really quite caught any imperfections in his character. At least not until now. But what Yuuri found, was beyond what he was able to process and accept. Victor lied and deceived him for the entire time they had known each other.

Yuuri was laid on his side, staring out at his opened window, picking up the sound of the usual passerby, sometimes in groups, or far away. Stern chatter of a businessman, the giggle of a carefree child and mother, and the occasional sigh of a worn adolescent, was often audible below his window. One of the consequences for living downtown; the day was never quite without people. In the spaces of of time where there was no one near his window, he’d catch the chirps of a lone bird. Taking days off were done with great reluctance, it made him feel lazy, but his body was buzzing with restless adrenaline. Throwing himself into work to prevented himself from thinking and feeling for the week, this only allowed the problem to grow in weight. Yuuri was paying for it by laying on the ground and trying to grasp for something that might help him.

Dark eyes closed, Yuuri nuzzled into his pillow, taking a breath of the fresh linen. Gentle and clean. Simple. It was a nice balm for his thoughts, slowing them down for him to process it better.

Victor lied, Yuuri was angry, but found a greatly large part of his heart wanting to ignore the facts and his morals for the happiness he had with Victor. It had been so long since he found any semblance to heartfelt content in his life, but there was no point of lying to himself to be with Victor, that would entail to a life filled with heartache and superficial joy. Yuuri couldn't tolerate Victor’s lie, but he didn’t want to leave. The only way he could see himself with Victor would be if he gave up his lie and returned to the ice, but then Victor would be forcing himself to live in his lies again; even if Victor was in the wrong, Yuuri didn't want him to suffer. There was enough of pain in their lives, and no one would be happy if they lied about other things.

Yuuri breathed slowly through his teeth, his fingers gripped tightly into the sheets, pushing his face further into the sheets. He wanting this all to be a bad joke, a nightmare, anything to simplify his storming emotions. If he were to be with Victor, he’d be reminded of what Yuuri could never have and grow to resent Victor for it. If Yuuri decided to leave Victor, his own personal feelings for him would be further tarnished and his heart emptied. Yuuri tightened his eyes, trying to prevent the drip of tears. He was stuck at a crossroads, all possible directions lead to some form of unhappiness and heartbreak.

Desperation built further in his chest, aching, and tight. Yuuri’s heart was beginning to bleed after breaking so much. So many years of his childhood focused on blistering the skins of his feet, deepening the despair as it was all in vain. No matter where he tried to go with his thoughts, Yuuri was sinking deeper and deeper into despair, getting entangled and lost within himself. Loving Victor was a wonderful thing, but so terribly ugly to Yuuri.

Yuuri’s breathing was ragged and made it difficult to flow through his lungs. No matter how deep of a breath he took, nothing eased his airways or thoughts. It wasn't until the doorbell rang that his thoughts momentarily froze and washed away. Someone was at the entrance to his house. At that point, any distraction from his own thoughts would be happily accepted.

Yuuri slid up with his arm, and before he knew it, his toes touched the creaky surface of his wooden floor. The bell rang again. One foot stepped closer.

Several thoughts ran through his head, guesses to who was visiting. Could be Victor. Or not. Yuuri sort of hoped it wasn't him. Maybe a stranger trying to advertise a product. Or maybe it was just a prank. Knowing the possibilities, Yuuri hoped to find an answer in the person waiting behind his door. A sign. An answer. All thoughts were clashing

Fingers pinched and turned the lock open before transitioning to the cold silver knob, the tips of his fingers hovered before he turned and pulled the door open.

Yuuri hadn't expected the darkened evening, it took a second for his eyes to adjust to the overshadowed figure that stood in front of him, the light from the interior of his house allowed him to focus and take in the finer details of his visitor. The eyes were a middle brown, tired but with a fierce light to them, the kind that reflected a strong spirit. Thick, dark hair was organized away from the face due to a purple headband, around mid length the hair colour transitioned to a buttermilk gold, no doubt from bleaching. The face that framed it all was structured the same as Yuuri’s, but more soft around the edges that were sharp for him.

“Ma… Mari.” Yuuri stammered, his chest shot up and stumbled back, all feeling in his skin emptying as he tried to focus his eyes to be sure it was who he believed it to be. His heart was out of control, his mind in ruins, and had no idea what was going on for his sister to be in front of him physically when she should be half across the world away from him.

Mari in turn, stepped forward, brushing away loose strands of hair from her face. She huffed a little before her eyes darkened down, and nose crinkled “You have no idea how long it took me to get here.” She began to rant in their native language, stopping to give Yuuri a chance to reply before she continued in sharper but quiet tones after it was evident that he had nothing to say “If you want to blame us, fine. If you want to run away from your family, that's fine too. If ignoring us makes your life happier, by all means do it. But we at least deserve a reason to know why.” Mari paused to turn and close the door behind them “Goddammit, Yuuri, I am staying here until I get a reason out of you. I don't care if I have force it out, after the numerous of times I have reached out to you, I am sick and tired of–” her words halted when arms wrapped around her back and squeezed gently.

Yuuri didn't know what encouraged him to run straight to his sister, but it was overwhelmingly nice to see her again. Mari never failed to appear when he really needed help, they could be countries apart, but she’d still make it somehow. Even If it was unintentional, Yuuri was thankful for the timing. He didn't deserve to have his sister, but couldn't quite stop himself from clinging to her as he felt all the tension release. “I don't know what to do, Mari.” He said quietly, shaking to the core as he tried to hide in their hug. It felt good to be honest about everything he carried.

Arms stretched and rubbed his back, a gesture his sister did when they were little. A slow sigh drew from Mari, her shoulders were less stiff now that her anger was gone. It was one of Mari’s more noble characteristics, anger was easily extinguished when something else mattered more. “I don't know what's wrong or what has been going on, but I'm here at least… finally.” She comforted, allowing her brother all the time he needed to hide himself and provide him a sense of protection. As much as she wanted to rant to Yuuri, she found herself already letting go of past grudges after seeing her little brother struggling with his own emotions “Let’s sit down, I guess it’s good timing that I’m here.”

“Yeah.” Yuuri breathed, nodding as he pulled away to mimic the action of composing himself again, he gave his best smile.

\---

The clock ticked silently for every second that passed, the light on the ceiling drew attention of Yuuri and Mari sitting across from each other. There wasn’t much said between them, though there was a lot that needed to be addressed. Yuuri wasn’t sure where to start, there was so much he had to say but couldn't utter a word.

Tea that had been poured had lost most of its steam, Mari leaned forward to prop her elbows on the table and entwine her fingers together, fingers strummed along the sides of the cup. She broke the silence and gave Yuuri a place to start “Why did you leave?” Her words were light in tone and but dug deep into the air.

“I...” Yuuri began to form his reply out of instinct, but paused to where he wanted to lead with. He thought about evading the truth to spare himself, but he kept himself strong to push through and give the clear truth, he owed his sister that much at least “I ran away.” he answered his sister before she could ask what he was running from “From Hasetsu. You, mom, and dad.”

The window at the very end of the room was cracked open, allowing the crackle of thunder and drizzle of heavy rain to fill the room. The flood of the buried memories were emerging in both Yuuri and Mari. As the rain grew in weight, so did the tension. God, he hated the rain.

Mari found herself spilling out another question “Did we do something wrong? I know I asked that before but I really need to know why.” her throat tightened and her voice was tight in emotion. Having Yuuri cut himself from the family was frustrating and heartbreaking for Mari; their family had a small onsen business and the duty of raising and caring for Yuuri fell to her for a large part of their childhoods.

Rain returned as the sole source of sound in the room for a time, until Yuuri cleared his throat and straightened his back out, trying to get a feel for courage “You guys didn’t do anything wrong.” He clarified “How could you guys ever hurt me? I was in the wrong, which is why I left.”

Mari squinted and gave a puzzled look “But you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I did.” Yuuri fiddled with his fingers, taking a slow breath through his nose and out his mouth to ease the sinking feeling in his chest “I um…” he looked to Mari to take in her appearance. It had been several years since they last saw each other like this. Mari’s hair used to be shoulder length, but now it was slightly longer and wavy. Her complexion was slightly brighter looking, Yuuri figured it was due to staving off cigarettes, he always hoped she would stop. “Do you remember… when the accident happened?”

The air stopped. Mari looked to Yuuri with cautious eyes, she rolled her cup between her hands to feel the remaining warmth of her tea “Of course.” She focused on the sloshing and gave a half hearted smile “That was the day we lost Vicchan, and I ended at the hospital for a while.” She sipped her tea “Why bring it up?”

“When I got the call from mom… I lost recognition of what I was feeling.” Yuuri’s stomach churned and his heart began to squeeze “When I stepped into the airplane, I kept thinking of all the times I cried in frustration to finally get closer to my dream. Every step I took inside that plane, the more excited and hopeful I was for my future.” A modest smile arrived on his lips before he tensed and frowned “When I got the call, hope was hit with dread, then my dread lead to reality hitting me. Everything I worked for was for nothing.” Breathing grew hard, his chest was being crushed “I blamed you for it.” Yuuri choked, using the back of his hand to wipe away the dampness on his cheeks, shame sunk into his body and twisted everything inside “It was for just that moment though. Seeing you dying like that…” his fingers curled and twisted, digging nails into his knees “I'm so sorry…” his breath hitched and he found himself wallowing in his indignity, head hunched down and face covered by his fingers, watching his own tears fall and disappear into his pants “I placed the blame on you when you needed me.” The shame of it all hit him with the weight of the world, crushing him and swallowing him.

Imagining it was hard to fight off, the hospital rooms all had bleached sheets, the halls were soaked in antiseptic. Yuuri hated how clean and empty everything was. The hospital was a place of nothingness, where remnants of life either die or recover. Once the sheets are finished with soaking up crimson, they are washed and bleached of evidence before they are stained again.

“I don't know why or how I could have blamed you for that moment.” Yuuri’s trembling started in his back to his shoulders, soaking up the bitter past he tried to forget “You were in so much pain, and I was being incredibly selfish and disgusting for blaming you for that. What kind of person blames their sister for almost dying?” He shook his head and answered before his sister could speak “I couldn't face you or our parents anymore.” His teeth clenched and his face was heated and damp. Yuuri sniffled as he rubbed his nose clean, he didn't have the energy to really get himself a tissue now that the truth was out. The rush of adrenaline made his head feel light, tipsy, and drained, but he felt almost good. Relieved now that the truth was out, but still balancing over danger. “I didn't deserve to face you all again after that.”

Mari brought her cup up again to finish it all in one gulp. Her demeanor was quiet and thoughtful, her posture was stiffed. As she took a deep breath before she crumbled “Fuck…” her hand rubbed her temple, sliding to wipe away a stray tear from the corner of her watery eyes “I don't know why I'm crying now…” she chuckled dryly “I was so scared that I did something for you to hate me.” a quick breath was taken, and more tears followed. Both of Mari’s hands went to cover her reddened face “I'm kind of glad to hear that.”

Yuuri jerked up to stare at Mari “To hear that I blamed you? That I resented you for nearly dying?” He asked with short breath, a bit dumbfounded and lost.

Mari shook her head “No.” her hands were removed and she gave her infamous boyish smile, beaming and brighten “Your reason for leaving wasn't because you hated us.” Her words were breathy and relieved “I'm glad.”

“But that doesn't change the fact that I blamed you.” Yuuri reminded, trying to grasp his sister’s source of brightness “How are you not angry with me?” He choked “You should hate me, why are you forgiving me so easily?”

“Because it doesn't matter anymore. That accident was just that, a terrible accident no one could have controlled or predicted. It's not on you, and it's not on me.” She sighed to glance at her cup before returning her gaze to Yuuri “Recovery was tedious, I went through a lot, but it’s past me now. All I could want right now, is my brother again.” Mari explained in her simple, straightforward words. Her eyes were slightly red but she looked glowing in relief, her hand reached out and squeezed Yuuri’s trembling one.

Yuuri nodded, his voice was weak and broken, fingers gripping the edge of his wooden table that his knuckles were pale “I'm sorry, Mari…” he fumbled, bending and breaking for the burden he no longer needed to carry.

“I know you are.” She hushed, letting her brother take all the time he needed to pick himself up again, this time she could help him properly. “What you felt, was a normal human reaction. You didn't truly mean it. We were thrown into an unfair set of circumstances, but everything is fine now.” She continued her words as Yuuri began to calm down “You don't need to subject yourself to loneliness, stop blaming yourself. You need to find your happiness without carrying all that useless guilt.”

Yuuri could only nod and absorb his sister’s words. Working to cut the strings of every guilt soaked thought he carried on his back. The weight was removed, still tangled in it all but much better.

* * *

 

Yuuri used to cry a lot as a kid, he’d worry and breakdown over the smallest of things, believing it would change and ruin his future and other people’s happiness. He never really practiced communicating when something bothered him, instead, he learned to hold it and would lay on the wooden floor. Sometimes Mari would keep him company. Just like right now.

Yuuri felt so drained and weary, like all his blood had been drained and replaced with new blood, waiting for his worked body to adjust. Compared to the days he practiced on ice, he had reached a new level of exhaustion. All he wanted to do was drift and sleep, enjoy the free sensation in his heart.

Mari laid in opposite direction, the top of their heads just touching, her fingers playing with his hair and his threading through hers. If she closed her eyes, the room felt like their home, Yutopia, she could almost smell the strong salt of the onsen, murky and a little little like old people. She missed being with her brother like this, the days when they both had a rough time and needed accompanied silence together. “Are you happy here, Yuuri?” She asked, wondering if her little brother managed to find satisfaction in Remissio.

“Umm…” Yuuri’s words hummed in contemplation, a little sore in tone “I'm not unhappy.” He said.

A sigh left Mari “That's not what I meant. Are you happy here, in this small city where a bunch of people are dried up ballsacks?”

Yuuri nearly choked at Mari’s vulgar choice of words, it had been too long since her heard her strong language. It brought a sincere smile from his heart, it was really nice to see that his sister never changed “They aren't dried up ballsacks, Remissio is a nice city with nice people.” He chuckled, defending the metropolis he had been living in for quite some time.

Mari scoffed “Yuuri, the bus driver gave me a transit that was overdue, and refused to give me a new one. Then some crazy old man drove past a red light and nearly hit me, later swearing at me.” She grumbled.

“That's just the bad apples of the bunch.” Yuuri defended, laughing a little in his chest “...You know, Remissio means forgiveness in Latin.” He said, a bit amused with the naming and how his sister was here with him.

  
“Oh…” Mari mumbled in interest, before she smacked his forehead “Answer the question before!” She demanded.

“Okay, okay…” he surrender, fingers tracing over his temple “Promise me you won't tell anyone?” He whispered, finding a bittersweet smile grow on his lips.

“Swear I won't say a word. Everything will stay in this room.” Mari gestured to the ground “Besides, who would I tell in this city? The delivery boy?”

It was hard to doubt his sister's words, so Yuuri began to reveal a secret epiphany he had at that moment “I want to skate again. Not just as a hobby, I want to try to go for the Grand Prix. Even for just one more year.” This desire always felt taboo to touch on, but it felt good to be selfish this once “I want to know how far I can go, skate in front of the world and show them what I can do.”

Mari pondered, taking Yuuri’s words with extreme seriousness “It’ll be hard you know. Getting back into shape… you’ll only have a few shots on the ice… and I… Mom, Dad, and I, won't be able to travel with you.” Mari pointed out, straightforward and to the point “Can you pull it off alone?” Her fingers punched his cheek “I'm not saying you're weak, but it’s hard to be alone when you're competing professionally and I don't want you going without knowing someone has your back.”

“What if I'm not?” Yuuri asked, his thoughts trailing to Victor. His finger pinching his sister’s cheek in turn “Not alone.” He added.

A loud laugh escaped his sister, clapping once “Then go for it. You better get into shape though, and refresh your ballet skills. Call up Minako, her fury will whip your chubbiness out of you.” She teased, patting her own belly down, making a sound similar to that of a watermelon.

“I work out, and I skate at night a lot.” Yuuri defended in the form of a light hearted chuckle came, dying down to a more bittersweet tone. The room was quiet again, the rain passed a long time since their talk at the table. Yuuri broke the silence “It's just, my person… they lied to me about something huge, and it's… so messy. I don't know if I should start somewhere or simply walk away. We love each other, and they didn't do it out of malicious intent, but I don't know...”

Mari blew her hair out of her face “Well, it depends on if you love them.” Mari combed through her thick hair “Do you still love them?” She asked after a moment.

Imagining Victor was far too easy for Yuuri to think about. He closed his dark eyes, and Victor’s dimpled smile, and starry eyes would glimmer. A smooth voice would lovingly call him over, bony long fingers would never fail to make his own fingers warm, and the soul that fueled them was flawed but stunningly pure. Victor was always a beautiful man sort of man, the kind that took interest in Yuuri for his simplistic existence. Thinking on it now, he couldn't remember their last kiss, mostly because he never thought it would be their last; his heart burned and ached again. Yes, Victor had lied about his about to skate, but all Yuuri wanted to do was to be with him again. The anger was still there, but heavily subdued, not worth the cost of losing Victor. Dark eyes opened again, slightly damp, but not enough to be considered crying “Yeah,” he whispered “I do. I love them, a lot…” Yuuri could feel himself get swept up but couldn't stop “They're great… well meaning, attentive, and a little terrible with dealing with people sometimes, but… I miss them.”

A smile grew in Mari, content to see that her brother hadn't wasted his life in an empty city simply existing. “Then what are you doing here?” She got to her feet, and pulled her brother up to his feet “Go see the love of your life and try to make it work before it’s too late.” She grinned, eyes sparkling as she flicked his forehead.

Yuuri rubbed the patch where Mari flicked, and nodded in agreement to her suggestion “I want to, badly. But I said… things.” His head dropped down, lost again in his thoughts.

Mari wasn't having it though, pinching his nose and forcing him to look up “You’re not the type to get irrationally angry, Yuuri. Chances are, you were justified, but…” she let go, likely leaving indents on the sides of his nose “... You know all the details. If the person you love is worth fighting for, do it. I know you can because I've seen you get determined with the things you want.

Yuuri couldn't help himself from flushing red and having his face warm up “That makes me sound like some kind of champion.”

“Falling in love makes you one.” Mari explained, flashing her left hand, a good ring with a polished diamond adorned her ring finger “You can't pick who you fall in love with. It can happen in a drunken stupor, sharing a beautiful moment, or sometimes slowly. It just happens.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Now that it's summer, I get 2 months off, I can write more! Not as much as I would like since I need to work for university fees, but better than high school. I'm never pulling two allnighters for exams. Leave a comment if you want! They do help with motivation  
> (´༎ຶོρ༎ຶོ`)


	13. Gratias Tibi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe it guys? Three more chapters to go. Well... Actually... more like 2. The 3rd chapter will be the smut chapter after everything has been settled.  
> Thanks for reading this far guys, I was concerned over how the last chapter ended, so I'm glad you guys didn't hate it <3 I'm a little sad now that the end is so near...

Drinking was not a hobby Victor overdid, but sometimes he needed to teeter on the edge of being drunk to make his troubles loosen and lighten his stress when things don't turn out smoothly. Victor started off with classic Polugar, enjoying its smoothly sweet taste, much like liquid bread. While Polugar was certainly a choice alcohol of its kind, Victor switched to Rosé after the first drink, mostly for its nostalgic memories; he needed to remember something positive to keep his spirits from sinking too low.

Victor’s fingers swirled his glass, enjoying how the pink wine almost glimmered under the moonlight from his white balcony. A smile formed from a resurfacing childhood memory; when he was roughly eight, his mother let him try her Rosé wine since it was at a special occasion a wedding, if Victor recalled correctly. It was a hard experience to forget, at first he hated the bittersweet taste, but kept badgering for more after some older kids teased him for being a baby. His father tricked him into thinking he was drinking wine the whole day by giving him cranberry juice from an empty wine bottle. It wasn't until his mid teens did he begin to appreciate the sophisticated nature of wine.

Makkachin nudged the back of his knee and whined, loyally taking the responsibility of reminding Victor that it was time for him to rest. Victor hushed his dog softly, to tell Makkachin to go ahead and sleep on the bed without him. Makkachin looked between Victor and the bed, but eventually climbed over to the mattress to sleep. As much as he loved his dear pet, Victor was in the rare mood to be alone, to soak in his thoughts and reflect over his life choices. Most of his childhood consisted of kind choices, while his adult life consisted of controversial and somewhat bad choices. Indeed, childhood starts with simplistic thinking and choices, only to decisions branch out to more intricate as life grows in complexity. Or perhaps that concept was in everyone’s head, and the reality was that everyone was simply making simple situations into difficult ones because they crave excitement in their life, maybe children were the wiser ones with their simplistic nature.

On the other hand, simplicity sacrifices the beauty of elaborate emotions such as serenity, inspiration, and love. Only adults can truly experience several combinations of emotions and struggle with what they want versus what they may need. Children can’t understand this constant struggle, not because they lack the requirements to feel them, but the steps to comprehend them. While growing up can be disagreeably difficult, children pick up life’s lessons through experiences or observation, but if asked from a young age, they’d provide a profoundly complex and naive answer to the questions adults ask themselves. Victor absently wondered what answer he'd get if he asked a child what they might have done; lie for your own happiness or to be honest with others only to have them be hurt by it. If asked last year, he would have chosen to stick with lying, only because he had no one he particularly loved enough to suffer for. If a person asked him now, he’d think of Yuuri, how important he was to him, and would find himself uncomfortable with lying to Yuuri’s face, he would be haunted with guilt before he would finally tell the truth. One of the numerous effects of being in love he supposed, it makes a person want to be better for them, to find their happiness, and live out a life of joy with their loved one. Victor stared down into his glass, finding his reflection somewhat gloomy under the moon. In another world maybe Victor didn’t fake an injury and still fell in love with Yuuri, maybe they were married too. If a world like that existed, Victor would do anything to switch to a world where life was a little more kinder, and loving a person was more sweet than bitter

Victor drained the small amount of wine that was left in the glass, bending over to pick up his bottle and refill his glass with a rose tinted liquid, breathing in the sweet fragrance as he grew more sentimental with the memories associated with it.

When he was young and new to the art of figure skating, he dreamed of how love would change everything for the better, naively ignorant of how reality could twist everything into a more painful version of itself. Indeed, Victor hadn't expected to experience so much suffering when he fell in love with Yuuri, only to ask more in order to continue loving Yuuri. Love was bittersweet at best for Victor.  

At first, it all began with a simple interest in having company, nothing too strong or particularly provoking. Then he got greedy. Victor was opening up and so was Yuuri, they exchanged hidden caresses, and kisses as they grew more dependent to each other’s touch. Victor had grown used to Yuuri’s company which deepened the presence of loneliness now that Yuuri was gone; Victor was struggling with keeping his emotions together now that he no longer had support. 

The outside of his cup was beginning to form a thin veil of fog to the warmer temperatures of outside. Victor took the liberty to finishing his full cup. The buzz was just beginning to settle into his head and cluster his thoughts into noise. 

Victor turned up to stare up to the sky, blinking with the stars, and breathing in the desolate air. He shouldn't have kept his lie going when they were getting close, everything might have ended better, less heartbreaking at the very least. Running and lying had been easy when there was no one at risk of being hurt, it was all so easy until Yuuri arrived. Being a coward was a much easier task when he was alone. The only way he could possibly imagine himself with Yuuri again, would be if he returned to the ice as Victor Nikiforov, the world class champion. But that wasn’t a compromise Victor would be able to live with. Ice skating was a lonely territory Victor was satisfied with ignoring. Yakov was a closest with Victor but he wasn't quite family, and Yuri might as well have been a stranger since they had never interacted with each other much until recently. Even if he had Yuuri by his side when he skates, ninety percent of his time would be spent towards practice instead of their relationship, plus Yuuri had painful memories associated with the ice and may feel his own pain grow if Victor skated.Then no one would be happy.

Delicate sips were taken every few moments as Victor listened in on the crickets that were hidden below the blades of grass. Playing their individual songs to communicate with others and possibly find their mate. 

Meeting Yuuri had been one of the most awakening moments of Victor’s life; every delightful interaction they had allowed Victor to learn more about Yuuri and himself. Being with Yuuri calmed him, it was the general air around him that settled Victor’s aching heart and filled him with joy with every moment they shared together. Without Yuuri to keep him company, all Victor could do was drown in his guilt and regret, his homesickness for the ice, and the fatigue he carried in his soul of keeping up with the expectations the world had for him. 

The wine glass had been emptied, the bottle half finished, but the distraction alcohol brought to his mind couldn’t resolve the sinking emptiness Victor felt. The bottle was placed away in Victor’s fridge before he headed to his bed. Makkachin was curled on the upper left corner of his bed, just over his spare pillow. Fingers worked in unison to unbutton his tight shirt, folded and placed in his laundry basket, picking up a the jacket Yuuri had forgotten from their last meeting. Victor approached his bed and collapsed into his duvet, nuzzling into the piece of clothing, there wasn’t much of Yuuri’s scent left. It had been a while since they last saw each other. Luckily, Victor could still pick out the prominent notes of Yuuri’s scent; lavender from laundry detergent, and slivers of vanilla, chocolate, cinnamon, and coffee from all the baking.

Victor could almost imagine himself nuzzling into Yuuri’s warm nape, close and safe with him. A domestic life was all he really wanted with Yuuri, to cuddle and sleep in the arms of a loved one. In Yuuri’s arms. With the jacket clutched to his chest, Victor eventually settled into his bed and slipped into a dreamless slumber.

* * *

After Mari had surprised Yuuri with a visit, she stayed around to help him with the shop. Initially, Minami had been strangely sullen for the first day his sister was helping out with the cafe. Mari later told him to chin up since Yuuri was just her little brother. Minami surprisingly perked up and thanked Mari afterwards. Yuuri couldn’t quite place his finger on what was going on, but he had a feeling Mari knew something about Minami that he didn't, but he wasn’t nosy enough to ask about it.

The week went on with Mari teaching Minamo the art of Wagashi, intricate Japanese sweet making. Yuuri could never achieve the dexterity and detail Wagashi required when his parents tried teaching him, Mari showed a lot of promise with how she was able to incorporate delicate details. Minami showed a lot of promise in the skill, and left the shop swearing he’d only make Wagashi for Yuuri and would practice as much as he could at home.

With his sister’s arrival, the shop felt more full and warm with the combination of Mari  teasing Minami over something about a crush, Minami’s well meaning yet clumsy chatter, and Yuuri’s baking. It reminded him of his home in Hasetsu, where his mother and father would chat lovingly all the time, Mari would tease Yuuri in a kind way about his adoration to Victor, and Yuuri would be busy helping clean the baths on the weekends. 

The following week flew by quickly thanks to the busy flood of customers before another national holiday had arrived, somehow the mayor believed that National Forgiveness Day deserved to be treated as a holiday worth taking seriously since the city was named after forgiveness. Yuuri had invited Mari to come with him to the ice rink to see him skate, it had been too long since she last saw him skate, and would be a means to an end.

Having an audience was a change of Yuuri wasn't used to, it just never really happened with how private he was, he didn’t really know anyone in Remissio since the population mostly consisted of elderly people. Change made him a bit nervous, but Mari was the exception. With the recent events in his life, the sight of clean ice and sensation cold air on his skin was oddly calming to his restless heart, he had made peace with the ice now.    


Mari plopped herself at the edge of the rink, watching Yuuri stretch out his muscles “Do you work out?” she teased.

Yuuri shook his head at his sister’s joke as he lifted his arm and bent it so it rested overtop his head, his other arm reached over to elbow and pulled inwards “Only on hard days.”

“That sucks.” Mari emphasized after the silence had set in “Sorry I didn’t come over sooner.” 

“It wasn’t your fault. I was being stubborn and selfish.” Yuuri admitted truthfully “I should have considered how everyone else felt.”

“And when did you get so wise?” Mari inquired with a grin.

Yuuri shrugged, switching to his other arm to stretch “I don’t know.”

Mari hummed in thought to his reply“So, what do you usually do on the ice?” She asked, handing Yuuri his freshly sharpened skates “I only ask cause I have a good couple of years of your life I need to catch up on.” she ruffled through her red bucket bag to take out some licorice.

Yuuri’s fingers gripped over the soles of his feet, bending closer to further stretch the tendons in his legs, feeling the stretch and burn under his knee and leg “The usual from when I skated at home, I picked up a couple of quads since I had a lot of free time.” Yuuri had spent an unhealthy amount of spare time on the ice when he first arrived in Remisso, reflecting on it now, he recognized the behavior as a desperate attempt to remain connected to his dream. Even when he left home, Yuuri couldn’t ever really bring himself to truly let go of his aspirations, such a thing was impossible. Burying his ambitions with work was the only thing that worked. Yuuri had been his own enemy, and had wasted time that could have been spent reaching his dreams, but there was no use moping about it anymore, Yuuri didn’t want to waste anymore of his limited time.

Socks were pulled up, feet slipping into his skates, and laces were tightened just right. Yuuri was off on to the ice.

Mari cocked her eyebrow and tilted her head to the side “So are you going to show me a few twirls and jumps or is there something you’re trying to tell me?” 

Yuuri sighed with a smile “Just watch,” he said, leaving his phone right on the edge of the rink to play music within a couple of seconds. He had picked out the song he was going to perform to, it was Victor’s Free skate program before he suddenly disappeared from the figure skating world. After Victor had stubbornly chased him down, Yuuri’s curiosity had gotten the better of him and had to look up the latest news regarding his idol. The results of watching Victor’s program had filled Yuuri with waves of emptiness that would leave a throbbing sensation at the pit of his chest, it never failed leaving Yuuri with an urge to see Victor.

Victor was Victor, and Yuuri could never hope to imitate him, but he could emphasize with his performances. He straightened his back, one leg placed behind the other on the ice, a preparatory breath was taken. Yuuri could almost see the original performance in his head and proceeded to follow through the same steps as Victor. 

Victor would beautiful under the pale light, gazing sadly upwards as if he was praying for something, then he’d allow his upper body to lower as he clutched his chest and reach out for no one, the singing begins and so does the performance. 

Victor gracefully circles to see if there was anyone to take his hand. Once he realized there was no one, he’d fall to his knee for a moment before he reached upwards and his speed would increase to perform a quadruple Lutz, his composure still sophisticated and clear. He’s flying for a moment in the air before he lands with his arms spread out to catch no one. He’d move forward through the ice looking around again in vain, it would seem no matter where he traveled he wouldn’t find anyone to join him. His beauty never wavers, and loneliness is kept at bay as he continues on to his signature quad, the quadruple flip. 

Yuuri’s body pushed forward, still full of energy, and projected himself, succeeding thanks to his core muscles and enduring stamina. Quickly after he projects up again in a quadruple salchow. The step sequences that follow are tricky, but Yuuri managed to glide through them without stumbling like he normally did during his run throughs alone. 

Yuuri was dancing alone on the ice, still looking for his partner. He goes into a spin before returning to his step sequences, this time his arms are out to gesture for someone to come close and stay, he goes into a flying sit spin before he’s back up as his spin slows. His one arm reaches up while his other angles down, expression tightens in sadness as he is afraid of losing his loved one. For a moment his back is turned as his arms lay resting by his side before he quickly sweeps into a simple step sequence where he continues to look for his beloved. He’s embracing the air in hopes of keeping his soulmate close, only to have air as his company. A triple salchow is the final quad before it ends with an emotional sequence of steps. Yuuri can feel the desperation in the body language and music; the threat of isolation is heartbreaking, and the grief that follows when the two lovers are apart is crushing. Yuuri’s heart is clutched by the sorrowful nature of the lyrics, he loves Victor deeply, his very being wanted to be with him. Before Yuuri could process the finish, the music had finished with his arms crossed to his chin and his head thrown back.

It took a moment to remember that his sister was there to watch him. He looked to his Mari to find that she was wearing a rare expression; her mouth was slightly open in awe and her eyes glistened with astonishment. The escape of a tear slipped over her cheekbone before she brushed it away with her sleeve. Yuuri hadn’t expected to emotionally move his sister. He dropped his arms and moved towards his sister at the edge of the rink.

“You’re crying.” They both said in unison when they were facing each other now. Yuuri quickly touched the corner of his eye and felt the trail of a tear, it was a first for his composure to break on the ice.

“I guess I am.” Yuuri said, still trying to catch some of his breath back, taking a seat beside his sister as he grabbed a towel to wipe his face of sweat and tears. Physically, Yuuri was still good to go with his stamina, but emotionally he was in an odd state; Skating with so much emotion made the entire performance an out of body experience where Yuuri was experiencing what Victor felt.

They both waited in the cold silence to allow Yuuri’s emotions to settle before talking.

“That was, really amazing. I forgot how intense you are when you skate.” Mari offered Yuuri a licorice, the bag crinkling “Do you normally cry like that?” she asked, observing her brother’s face.

Yuuri took one to fiddle with and stare at “No, that’s sort of a first. My eyes do get watery when it’s windy sometimes.” he took a bite into the candy, chewy and sweet.

A half eaten licorice was picked up from the ground by Mari, she examined the dirt “Good, I’d hate to have to drop my licorice in amazement every time I see you perform, and to get you tissues when you cry.” she pointed at Yuuri with her dirty licorice.

Fingers worked to undo and loosen the laces of his skates, Yuuri chuckled a little, taking a few more bites into the licorice stick“I don’t even know why I cried. It’s not the first time I skated to Stay Close to Me.”

Mari squinted at her licorice, and tried to flick off the dirt with her nail  “Well, if I had to guess, I would say you are lovesick, and you miss someone. Therefore, you need to try to win them.”

“It’s not that easy. They revealed a secret to me and I can’t deal with everything that’s been hitting me afterwards.” Yuuri sighed, tugging his right skate off with ease, only to have to loosen his left skate more since pulling it was not working. It’s not easy contacting them since I have no idea what to say.

“Oh, but it is easy. You need to try before calling it quits, just do whatever feels right. No one gets the luxury of choosing who to fall in love with, so no matter the difficult situation, you owe it to yourself to give everything you’ve got.” Mari replied, making unfairly good points, she bit off a part of the licorice she cleaned “You know what comes after this pep talk, right?”

Yuuri grimaced at his sister“...Why would you eat that? It was on the ground for a good few minutes.” he sputtered, squirming and cringing as he watched his sister finish the rest of the licorice.

Mari shot him a glare “Off topic question.” she responded in her usual dry tones. “What are you going to do after this?” she reiterated, more strongly this time.

Yuuri pondered on her question, his lips pressed tight in thought “Um… Shower, I guess? I don’t really like being sweaty for long” He knew that wasn’t the answer his sister was looking for, he just wanted to avoid having to think of the nearby future. 

Mari covered her face for a second with a hand, shaking her head “Ugh, no. That’s not what I meant.” She grumbled, pinching Yuuri’s nose “Are you going to continuously ignore them or are you going to go to them and try to win them back?” 

Yuuri was fitting his regular sneakers on feeling a little less unsure with himself now that his sister was forcing him to tackle his problems, it was nice to have his sister’s unyielding straightforward nature “I want to see them but...” He looked to his sister after he finished tying his shoes “It’s okay if I’m a little scared, right?”

“Yes. I’d be worried if you weren’t.” Mari passed Yuuri’s gym bag over to his side “Being a little scared means it’s important. I know you can do it. You’re Yuuri Katsuki! A dime in a dozen figure skater.” She assured, giving Yuuri a simple and honest smile. Mari gestured to the exit door “Let’s head back to your house.”

“Good plan.” Yuuri agreed, grabbing his skates and bag and headed out.

When they got in the car and buckled their seat belts, Mari surprised Yuuri by reaching into her bag to pull out a gift bag for Yuuri “Before I forget, mom and dad made you something, they wanted me to deliver it to you since I was visiting.” She pointed to the inside of the bag “Everyone sort of took turns making it.”

Yuuri quietly reached in, felt a soft texture, and pulled it out knowing fully well he’d get emotional. It a nice thick scarf in traditional blue. It smelled so much like the oceanside near their house with the remnants of heavy salt and leftover snow. He wondered how his childhood friends were and what their kids must look like, Minako was his teacher who cared for him, and his parents must have worried over him “I miss them. Everyone in Hasetsu.” Yuuri choked, voice tight and quiet. 

Mari rubbed over his shoulder, patient and empathetic “They’ll understand, Yuuri. It doesn’t have to be now, but you can make peace with everyone when you have time, they’ll forgive you for leaving and ignoring them once you come back. I’ll pass along the message that you miss them for good measure though.”

“You’re leaving?” Yuuri’s eyes furrowed in confusion, lowering his scarf to rest over his lap “You just got here.”

“I know, it sucks, but I can’t stay too long with you, I gotta return to mom and dad. I’m the only one who can fight off drunk men who wear condoms full of beer over their heads.” Mari said, opening the window for fresh air, turning to Yuuri with a smirk “You know how are customers can be on a weekend.”

“Yeah, you’re right about that… I don’t want to imagine the disaster.” Yuuri started the car, and  5 minutes into the drive consisted of silence. Not the heavy uncomfortable kind, it was the tranquil sort where people just enjoyed the scenery together.

Mari decided to break the peaceful silence “On the extremely small chance that things don’t work out, you’re more than welcome to come back home, you know. No matter what happens mom, dad, and I are always going to be there for you, even if you don’t want us, we’ll still cling to you.” 

Yuuri felt extreme relief over an anxiety he had thought he had resolved. Hearing his sister state that Hasetsu was still his home, that if his life in Remissio fell to a state of irreversible damage but still have a loving life with family as his safety net, lightened the heavy burdens in his chest. “Thank you Mari.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect to do watch Stay Close to me so much to do this, I kept crying and tearing up from the video. The struggle was real man. Mari was so fun to write. Fun fact June 26 is forgiveness day  
> Also “A means to an end”: a thing that is not valued or important in itself but is useful in achieving an aim.


	14. Familia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys. Last chapter before the smut epilogue. Thank you to all who have stayed around, I don't think i would have finished this series if I didn't have so much support. I've met a lot of sweet and kind people thanks to this fic, and I'm grateful to have met them.

Cicadas buzzed in the early summer, temperatures were beginning to rise above their usual mild ranges, but Victor wouldn’t have noticed the change in weather without the sounds of cicadas buzzing outside his window. Days felt stretched, endless, and terribly monotonous as it was repetitive; a more simple way to describe them would be boring and tiring. The never described as dull, they were aggravating since the spare time gave Victor time to prepare a paragraph to send to Yuuri, only to revise it every time his thumb hovered over the ‘send’ button when he wanted to text. 

Normally he wasn’t so hesitant with these sort of things, he was always calm and smooth when it came to people. Yuuri was not a person though, he was the man Victor held dearly to his heart, the man Victor had hurt deeply.

Victor would find most of his time spent under his duvet in bed, he’d stare at his phone’s screen as he debated whether he start his sentence with an apology or with how he missed Yuuri’s company; he didn’t want to come off as self deprecating or manipulative communicating sincerity through text was proving to be difficult. A phone call was an idea that could have worked, only Victor was afraid he’d say or do something wrong again and there was enough already enough damage. There was so much he had to say to somehow fix everything his mistake had destroyed, if it was possible to salvage whatever was left.

Makkachin was huddled beside Victor’s legs, jerking up to a sound he heard outside the house, a small bark and growl escaped him before he dashed to the door when a knock arrived to the door. Victor was a little late in catch up, but he noticed that Makkachin had stopped his growling and was whining out of excitement, tail wagging, and his eyes sparkling. Makkachin look to Yuuri excitedly as he barked urgently for the door to open.

“It can’t be...” Victor murmured to himself, unlocking the door with his unsure fingers, soon turning the knob open, his thoughts were fleeting and crashing with each other before they stopped with his breath “Yuuri,” Victor’s eyes welled and couldn’t fight the relief in him from forming a smile. 

Yuuri didn't step in, instead he look up to Victor, his eyes were sharply clear, and determined “Are you busy?” He asked in a quiet manner, hoping that he wasn’t too late to fix their mess. 

“No. It’s good to see you, Yuuri. Would you like to come in?” It was hard to think straight now that there was a sudden surge of hope rising; Victor wasn’t sure if he was supposed to slow it down or stop it, his thoughts that were scattering and fighting for dominant attention to properly respond to this unexpected turn of events.

Dark eyes never wavered from Victor, they peered in a calm straightforward manner, doubt was absent in Yuuri’s eyes when he asked a question “Do you still love me?” His face was stiffer than his usual softer appearance, his jaw was tightened and his words were heavy. Reflecting on it now, their last exchange of words were harsh and he had been uncompromising with his reaction

Air was almost caught in Victor’s throat with how fast he wanted to reply “Yes, of course.” it was unquestionably impossible for him to forget Yuuri. Makkachin sniffed at Victor, circling around him and repeating the action to Yuuri before he sneaked back inside as he sensed the rising tension between the two, he seemed to have understood that they both needed a private moment with each other.

For a moment Yuuri lost some of the tenseness in his lips but it quickly returned when a new resolve formed in his heart “If...” he paused and seemed to almost give up with his words before he pushed forward with a different beginning “I shouldn’t have run away when things didn’t turnout the way I wanted. It was selfish of me to decide what was best, and I should have pushed forward with… You and my family instead of cutting you off.” Yuuri took Victor’s hand, and squeeze it between both his fingers “I regret acting like that, but hating myself won’t fix the past, and I got to know you outside of the ice… which was something I never thought would be possible possible.” he stared down at Victor’s hand, his thumb rubbed gently over Victor’s knuckle “You had everything, and I… I hated you for lying because it was wrong, but I was mostly being a hypocrite. I’ve also been dishonest to a lot of people, mostly myself, with what I wanted.” He found himself connecting to Victor through eye contact “I have one more question before I tell you everything else that’s been on my mind... Do you miss the ice, at all?”

The question had been what Victor had been avoiding for a long time, he was afraid of asking himself that in fear of losing his resolve in remaining hidden from the world. “It’s not that I don’t...” he hushed, his vision focused to the side, finding his chest twinge and tighten from remembering his first time performing “But I can't just return.” He shook his head away from the tempting possibility of returning, there was no use fantasizing over his youth days.

“Why?”

Yuuri’s questions were forcing Victor to delve deeper into his own truths he wanted to avoid facing, but he did want to reveal everything about himself to Yuuri, a show of trust and good faith “The ice used to be a place of home for me... But I’m sick of living in the shadow of who I’m supposed to be, I want to skate for myself like I used to when I was young, to feel that rush of excitement and adventure… but that isn’t within reach anymore… Not with what everyone else wants.” 

“Is it because you were alone, that you stopped enjoying it?”

Victor hadn’t expected Yuuri’s words to fit perfectly for describing the loss of his inspiration “That was a large part of it…”  A drawn out sigh left his lips “I was tired of my life going nowhere.” Victor had hoped that by stepping away from the spotlight he would get some perspective and have his mind refreshed. Instead he became addicted with the private luxury of being able to focus on himself, but still left unsatisfied without any idea as to how to properly live and enjoy a simple life filled with everyday struggles and love. “Why are you asking me all of these questions?” Victor scanned over Yuuri’s expression in hopes of picking up some sort of hint to his intentions. 

“Would… Would you like to be my coach?” Yuuri requested in his strong, but calm tone, his eyes remained simple and dark. His words were clear and straightforward, catching Victor by surprise. “Giving up was foolish of me… I thought I deserved the isolation from my home, family, and my dreams, but I was wrong for thinking it was over… Frankly I’m upset with myself for wasting all that time wallowing in self pity, it was shameless.” One of his hands rested over his chest “I skated to your routine, and I can’t hate you for lying now that I understand you better… And I realized, that I miss the ice too. I want to try, really try, this time. Even if it’s just for one year, I want to give it my all and I’m not ready to give up again, on you or me.”

Tears beaded over the tips of Victor’s lashes, he didn’t try to wipe them away, afraid that any sudden movement would deter the direction the current situation was headed. Yuuri’s words effortlessly filled and patched his heart with joy.

“Victor, I want to skate on the ice, I haven’t had the chance to live my life how I wanted. I want to look back and know that I did my best, and be thankful that I’m alive.” Yuuri’s voice grew with passion and his eyes grew bright “I’m not asking you to return to the ice… That would be unfair to you, but I am selfish enough to ask you to be my coach and train me.” His emotions were spilling out with every word he uttered, it was relieving and gratifying to indulge for once “I’m tired of just existing, I want to experience what being alive is like.” 

Victor’s tears were endless and delicate, luminous as they fell. His right hand gripped Yuuri’s hand back and his other hand reached to touch the skin of Yuuri’s cheek, fingers trembled as the tips met with his cheekbone, and Victor worked to compose his voice to properly give his reply.

The silence worried Yuuri, but the tears were an oddly comforting gesture, it was taken as a positive sign, and the reply Victor gave only confirmed it. Yuuri turned his head closer to Victor’s hand to press his lips against his thumb.

“Thank you.” Victor hushed, somewhat tight and heavy. It was the first time he took the chance of opening himself completely and being accepted with the flaws and mistakes he had “I love you, Yuuri, I love you so much.” he choked, words were once an instrument Victor was able to use to maintain his sincerity and charms, but he struggled finding the right words to carry the weight of Yuuri’s value to him. He needed to say how much he loved Yuuri now that he just avoided losing him “I’m so sorry for lying… So thank you for forgiving me… Thank you.” Yuuri had become dear and soul, always silently supporting his unsteady heart with his perspicuous presence. By guiding Yuuri, perhaps Victor would find the strength in himself to one day return to the ice by seeing Yuuri smile in triumph at the top of the podium. Meeting Yuuri had been a coincidence and a miracle. Victor leaned closer to wrap his arms around Yuuri’s waist, absorbing the fact that Yuuri wasn’t gone, thankful that Yuuri had decided to stay.

“I love you too...” Yuuri adjusted around Victor’s hug, enveloping him in equal intimacy and taking the chance to breath in his scent sweet cologne, surrounding himself with fresh grapefruit. He pulled away to meet with Victor’s soft watered eyes, there was a second of taking in Victor’s entire existence where there was nothing between them from sharing a moment of peace together. A loose laugh suddenly bubbled from Yuuri’s lips, he nuzzled into Victor’s neck to quieten it, only for it grow and have his chest rumble with his laughter “My family is going to be so surprised when they hear I’m back to figure skating, it’s been a long time since I competed..But… I think they’ll be happy to see me again..”

Victor shared a chuckle, running his fingers through Yuuri’s hair “My old coach will yell at me about how I need to take classes to become a professional coach, it can’t be too hard.” Yakov would be infuriated, but deep down, Victor had a feeling he would be glad that he wasn’t cutting figure skating out of his life completely. “Better late than never I suppose.” he shrugged 

Yuuri pulled away just to gaze to Victor “I guess we’re both a bit like late bloomers.” his grin was coy, and eyes crinkled with playful humor “Old men starting a new adventure.”

Before Victor could give an affectionate reply, Yuuri gripped the collar of his shirt to guide him closer to his lips, placing a chaste kiss that barely touched Victor. Yuuri pulled away, a sweetly intimate glint in his eyes kept Victor silent and feverish with what would come after a gentle press of lips, much like a deer in headlights.

With just a peck, Victor found his words silent and his lungs breathless, his heart quickened from the sudden, but welcomed switch in Yuuri.

Yuuri smirked adoringly, and kept his eyes locked with Victor as he slowly leaned close to deepen their next kiss, his hand sliding over the back of Victor’s neck to keep him close, his fingers entangling in his silvered hair. A light pinch between teeth over Victor’s bottom lip, his eyes kept a teasing coy expression to them, teasing and sensual as his tongue was experimentally prodding just outside the lip, as if to experiment if this was the right time.

The crisp smell of sugared lemons lingered around Yuuri, likely an effect of baking, it added to the hidden nature of Yuuri’s carnal touch. Luckily for Victor, Yuuri seemed somewhat new to deep kissing with the occasional teeth bumping and clumsy swirl of tongue. Victor was finding himself melting into the kiss despite Yuuri’s inexperience. Yuuri returned to the gentle nips and slow introduction of tongue as Victor began to follow the rhythm. Victor wrapped his arms over Yuuri’s neck to return the same heated need to express how much he was in love with him. Just as the rhythm between the two of them escalated, a sharp cat whistle was blown behind them. Both of them turned to find Yuuri’s sister.

Mari had a hand resting over her hip, head tilted with her lips grinning widely “As much as I love witnessing my brother tonguing a hot foreign guy at his doorstep, I do believe I have flight I need to catch in a few hours.” she pointed with her thumb behind her, gesturing to Yuuri’s parked car behind Victor’s gates “I didn’t want to interrupt your speech, so I waited in the car for a good 20 minutes before I decided to climb the fence… I’m assuming you two made up with all that tongue.” Her voice was teasing as she scanned over their faces “... Since you two are really red and kinda out of breath I hope you weren’t planning anything too naughty?” Mari winked to both of them.

Yuuri felt his ears catch fire, spreading to the general area of his cheeks and neck “Mari…!” he gasped, quickly distanced himself from Victor out of embarrassment, his hands went to fixing his appearance and wiping his mouth. “H-How long were… um… you there?” he sputtered, pulling down his shirt to straighten out the creases, he tried to will away the flood of embarrassment in his face. He had forgotten his sister was waiting in the car as an act of support.

“From the ‘I love you too’ part to the make out session that would put my high school days to shame.” Mari recalled, giggling at her brother’s bashful reaction “Don’t be so timid, I’ve done worse stuff.” she assured, turning to Victor with a slightly more serious as her eyes sharpened and mouth frowned “So you love my brother, huh?”

“Yes.” Victor answered, it was sudden and unexpected to suddenly be confronted by Yuuri’s sister, but he was determined to make a good impression and kept eye contact with Mari with hopes she would feel his good intentions.

“This is… Victor Nikiforov.” Yuuri added, unsure what else he was to say since he was still scrambling to collect himself

Mari hummed curiously, her eyes peered through Victor, it was frightening how similar Yuuri was to his sister in terms of their fervid eyes, she almost looked like she was glaring before her face softened.Victor’s eyes were a rare sight she had only seen once; clear silver blue eyes that never wavered in resolution.

“Does Winner Winnerson want to join us for a car ride then? I’m headed to the airport to go back home.”  Whatever uncertainties she had of him was clarified when she read his eyes, a skill she picked up and honed when she used to be a delinquent. Victor Nikiforov was not who she expected her brother to be dating, it was ironic to see them in love, but nonetheless she was thankful for the blissful outcome. All she cared about was if her brother was happy with himself. Mari had a feeling in her gut that Victor would do his best to keep Yuuri now that they were together, and she took comfort in that it was Victor that gave Yuuri the push he needed to strive for a better life. “And… ride will give him a good chance to win my approval and possibly our parents if I tell them about Victor.” she added, knowing fully well their parents would like him regardless of her opinion, but she figured it would be more fun to keep Victor on his toes until they go to the airport “Plus, I just saw you two hardcore makeout, so I deserve to right to get to know Victor better.”

“Mari, oh my God.” Yuuri sputtered “Please. Stop, I’m embarrassed enough already.” he covered his face and started heading back to the car. “Let’s just go to the car… I’ve said everything I needed to say.”

Mari gestured to Yuuri and looked to Victor “You heard the boss, let’s go Winner Winnerson!” she said, repeating her nickname for him.

Victor caught up on her teasing, heavily grateful that Mari didn’t seem to disapprove of him, he wanted everything to work out now that he wasn’t facing the future alone “Sound’s fun.”he chuckled, finding difficulty to dislike Mari’s charismatic humor. Victor quickly followed after Yuuri back to the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, Victor would return to the ice as a figure skater, but I felt him being Yuuri’s coach was more appropriate and fitting for this fic to properly end. Please leave a comment, I love reading what you guys have to say and hope to see you guys for around for the epilogue and my new series "Bittersweet Prince".


	15. Amatores

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the smut chapter. I aimed for 5k, and ended with a 10k chapter instead, which is why this chapter is late. I do hope I made it up to you all with the length of this chapter as it is the end. I'm grateful to Sanii and Brea (and the pulpy milk jokes we made) for their support, I was honestly thinking of quitting this chapter since it just kept going, but I guess it was because I had a lot to say in this chapter, I wanted to make it count. I'll stop ranting until the end chapter notes now. Enjoy guys, and thank you for this wondrous journey <3

Retirement felt wrong to describe Yuuri’s pastry career, hiatus was a much more fitting term to apply to the status of his sweet making career. After all, the shop had grown on Yuuri, it was thanks to his cafe that he had met Victor.

There was only about a handful of months to prepare for the new season, just enough time for Victor to whip Yuuri into proper shape for the grand prix. Yuuri’s muscles were already well maintained and toned, but that only made it all the more important for him to push himself to the limit, he’d need all the help he could get if he wanted to make the year count. He only had one shot. 

Victor wasn't too concerned though, he believed in Yuuri’s abilities after watching him perform his program  _ Stay Close to Me _ .Yuuri had the skills, stamina, and charm to capture the audience with the way he danced with his body. A hidden talent was buried in Yuuri, the talent to captivate anyone with his skating.

With so much time spent together, they couldn't help the occasional exchanges of affection that were often hidden, indirect, and effective for the sake of self restraint. The kisses and hand holding were the most they did, with cuddling reserved for breaks and at night. Training was held during the afternoon after closing time, Yuuri dedicated his time at Victor’s basement, where there was a rich array of various muscle training equipment on the private floor, which explained why Victor was always well muscles despite spending most of his time on a wheelchair; he was working out in his house.

The large ice rink in town was rented out for their use to provide Yuuri the space he needed to practice; Victor refused to disclose how much he paid when questioned about it, insisting it was his duty as his coach and lover to give him the best support he could offer, which was a lot since Victor had a so much he wanted to give.

Most days when Yuuri finished training, he would find his body exhausted and sore, it didn't help that his sugar and carbohydrate intake is was reduced. Victor was quite strict with Yuuri’s sweet tooth, pointing out that it was critical Yuuri focused on his muscle development since they had a time limit to get him prepared. Sugar was kept tightly monitored, which was difficult since Yuuri lived in a sweets cafe and was capable of baking, luckily he had a lot of self control.

Yuuri and Victor would bake in the morning to keep up with sales, though all Victor could really do was mix ingredients since he didn’t have dexterous fingers like Yuuri bake more complicated sweets. Minami had worked long enough with Yuuri to be given the responsibility of managing the store and locking up, he was in charge of selling the baked goods in the afternoons when Yuuri and Victor were out training, he promised to defend the shop until he returned, wishing Yuuri the best of luck once he made it to the Grand Prix.

Young Minami was teary eyed when Yuuri assured him that he’d come back when the season was over. Victor had insisted he’d take care of the cafe when they were gone. Protesting against Victor paying to keep Yuuri’s shop proved difficult, going on about how he’d sell his mansion off and live with him to live everyday in blissful domesticity. Together in love. Yuuri wanted the same thing, and let Victor have his way. Sometimes Yuuri thinks Victor spoils him too much, but could never have the heart to refuse Victor’s kindness. He was greedy like that.

The busy schedule was bone crushingly tiring, but it was gratifying to live a life of honesty after so long. Yuuri was much more proud and satisfied with the new direction of his life has taken, even with the pushing of his physical capabilities. After training, Victor would take the time they had in bed to spoil himself with Yuuri, often curling into his cozy arms. While Victor was living the life of happiness with Yuuri he yearned the intimacy of embracing one another and could only ever imagine it with Yuuri, the person he felt the most at peace with. Personally he didn’t care who did what in the act of lovemaking, he just desired sharing the experience of vulnerability, trust, affection, and pleasure with Yuuri, to be in bliss with him. Unfortunately, their daily fatigue from practice made it difficult to have the energy to participate in such activities. Thankfully they had every other Saturday as their break day to recuperate physically and emotionally. 

On a particular day where the sky was painted in blurred streaks of the evening and freckles stars, Victor listened to the tranquil and steady pulse of Yuuri’s heart, a favorite pastime he often looked forward to at the end of everyday. It was strong, alive, and reassuring. Resting together became part of their semi domestic life together, and Victor reveled in it, only to find himself become greedier for more as the months had passed. An average person would have likely found the idea of sex being an expression of love a gullible and unrealistic perception of reality, but Victor was not average, nor was Yuuri. They were in love, and to be in love was no ordinary accomplishment. All of his previous relationships started with promise when his hopes were running high in his blood and his optimism at its peak, but often died slowly with an attempt to revive it through intimacy, only to fail painfully. Yuuri was different, this relationship was so much more than Victor’s need for company being satiated. 

Legs began to entwine as Victor shifted in the cramped bed “Do you like sex Yuuri?” Victor asked, his thoughts accidently slipping into words. It wasn’t like Victor didn’t want to discuss intercourse with Yuuri, he was more concerned with whether Yuuri wanted to go there as a topic of discussion. Perhaps Yuuri wasn't ready as he was, and deserved to have the right to decide when he was ready. If Yuuri did feel ready, it would be beneficial by teaching Yuuri the nature of his hidden Eros, familiarizing himself with the concept of being an erotic god. Victor was more than certain that Yuuri was capable of seducing the world, he had seen the potential in him on an accidental day of drinking. Yuuri had made the mistake of chugging down the chilled bottle of vodka after his workout, mistaking it as carbonated water. That was an interesting night filled with pole dancing on a streetlight, and with Yuuri being wildly seducing Victor to a melted mess.

Yuuri choked on his breath, coughing a little with his words as he stroked down Victor’s hair nervously “Um… What brought this up?” He inquired, clearing his struggling voice. The thought had come up in a few of his slightly scandalous dreams that involved Victor, but he was far too anxious to bring it up. How would one introduce that desire in a dignified way? Plus, he wasn’t particularly experienced dating or the act of sex. Even if he learned how to prepare for it, he’d still have trouble articulating his words to properly communicate his desires, and disappointing Victor was terrifying.

The soft threading of his hair was gentle and relaxing, coaxing Victor to relax further into Yuuri, he sighed contently in Yuuri’s clean scent “Well… You are doing Eros… As a theme to one of your programs.” he replied slowly, not quite explaining the real reason behind his question. It was a subtle start towards an explicit topic, so he was making progress at least. Victor grabbed the blanket  that rested over his stomach, tugging it up to his chest as he nuzzled deeper into the bed.

“I’ve been getting familiar… But, I get the feeling you’re asking for another reason” Yuuri cleared his throat, shifting a bit while taking a steady breath, running his hand down Victor’s smooth back “I don’t mind talking about um… Sex with you… And… Participating in it.” he admitted, sliding his hands over Victor’s shoulders to his chest. The topic of sex was an eventual one they would eventually stumble upon, Yuuri expected it, but wasn't prepared at all for when it arrive, already he felt the arrival of a heated blush in his cheeks.

Victor shifted carefully to rest over his side, keeping his upper body over Yuuri’s, meeting Yuuri’s anxious eyes “We don't have to if you're not ready.” He assured, trying to undo whatever conflict he might have caused in Yuuri’s thoughts “But if you’re concerned about who’s topping and bottoming...I’m ready to take either position in bed.” He traced Yuuri’s lips with his finger “But in any case… I love you, Yuuri. I want to be with you when I’m old and live a happy life with you. Sex isn’t part of that equation, you’re the person I will love for the rest of my life, whether you like it or not.” He happily stated, lifting his head to catch Yuuri’s expression.

Yuuri leaned closer to bury his face into Victor’s feathered hair, more to hide his flustered face from Victor “That makes me really happy… I feel the same way. I’m just...” Yuuri sighed “There’s so much I don't know when it comes to sex… and I want to be able to keep up with you, to show you...” He pressed a long kiss over Victor’s forehead, brushing the hair away from his water blue eyes “I want to properly hold you.” 

Victor’s fingers raised up to brush over Yuuri’s cheek, slowly tracing his jaw with the tips “I’ll teach you then...” he replied, when Yuuri gave him a look of bafflement “Not now, but anytime you’re ready and wanting.”

The touch of Victor’s fingers were cool, and felt nice on his warmer skin, he looked down to Victor with an undecided look “I might disappoint you… I’m not particularly impressive with sex.” Yuuri said, his heart sinking a bit at the thought.

Fingers reached up to pinch Yuuri’s cheek, a light scolding to snap him out of his worries “Oh, Yuuri… Sex is supposed to be fun and loving, it doesn’t need to be perfect, we’ll just do what feels right. You could never disappoint me with how dedicated you are.”

“Then…” Yuuri trailed off, staring at Makkachin’s curled figure by his side, the poodle had slipped out of the mansion and had taken Yuuri’s living space as his own ever since. It gave Victor a good excuse to sleepover often. “Is… Next weekend alright?” He felt a bit dirty talking about this when the poodle was sleeping, but he didn’t want to miss this chance to establish that he was more than willing, but just inexperienced with what to do. This had been in his thoughts for quite some time.

“Eager?” Victor teased, lacing his fingers between Yuuri’s to guide it over his chest, wanting to share the quickened beat of his heart. He was excited and happy for what was to come now that this was occurring “Can you feel it? My heartbeat? Only you can do that.”

“Yeah… I do.” Victor’s words safely calmed him, and the warm beat of Victor’s heart spoke truth with how he felt. Yuuri reached over to switch the lamp off, covering everything with a blanket of black, moonlight left a tall white shadow through the curtained window, right beside the bed. “... next Saturday?” he asked, tucking himself under his duvet further, resting an arm over Victor’s chest.

Victor nodded into his body “Yes. Leave it to me. Goodnight, Yuuri.”

“Goodnight.”

* * *

 

The days went through their usual schedule, wake up and bake for the cafe, leave for Victor’s private gym room, practice quads and his programs, and head to bed with a good amount of time set aside for cuddling and chatting. Yuuri realized it was easier to perform strenuous quad jumps, his stamina had always been nearly endless, but he struggled getting into the mindset that he was a playboy seducing a strong minded woman, but was having much more fluid movement now that his body’s condition had been strengthened. A phone call to his old dance instructor helped him grasp the seducing part by switching the roles. He would be the strong minded woman that seduces the playboy, playing around with him before she throws him away for her next victim. Carnivorous and hungry. 

Friday ended with a clumsy free performance, but Yuuri still needed to improve his speed if he wanted to make his spins more clean cut. However, Victor and Yuuri couldn't help but feel satisfied with their progress so far, Yuuri had nearly matched Yuri Plisetsky’s skills. Almost good enough to win. Yuuri beat Yuri’s level of stamina, but still had to improve his core more and smoothen his steps and jumps to qualify for the Grand Prix. The fact that he was closing the gap in such short time was a good sign. For once everything was going smoothly, of course that didn't mean he was allowed to lessen his training.

The evening ended with Yuuri and Victor returning home with their clean results of STI check up, a show of faith and extra measure of safety for their planned activities. Both weren't surprised at all with their clean statuses. They headed to bed early after taking Makkachin out for his evening jog. Both wanted to have plenty of energy for what was to come, better to be over prepared than under. They split a 10mg pill of melatonin and slept a good 9 hours. When they awoke, both found themselves on the ground, their dog had kicked them off and hogged the bed. What a spoiled little thing. 

Morning started with Victor’s well made breakfast for Yuuri, half a bagel topped with cheese, tomato slices, and seasoned eggs with a side of chilled cucumber soup, and sweet grapes. Yuuri was told to sit back and relax, and texted his sister to check on how his parents were. Sometime after Makkachin left for his breakfast, Victor walked through the door with a silver tray aligned with crisp food, it was a little difficult to focus on the food since Victor had an apron over his boxers. Normally Victor enjoyed sleeping nude, but he compromised for the sake of Yuuri’s sanity by wearing briefs.

“My prince, your food.” Victor winked, setting the breakfast beside him as he took a seat on the side of the bed, his thin fingers picked up the fruit and offered to his Yuuri’s lips “Special service.” He flirted.

Lips bit into the grape, tight skin popping and spilling sweet down his tongue, quenching the dryness in his throat. After swallowing, Yuuri smiled coyly It’s good.” he said, glancing to Victor’s lips. This time Yuuri picked up a grape from the plate, feathering kisses over the flesh of the fruit, pressing it over Victor’s lips “Want a taste?” The sudden surge of courage was gratefully accepted and used by Yuuri, he was curious to see how far he could provoke Victor with certain teasing. All of this made Yuuri feel like newlyweds.

Victor’s shoulders stiffened, but took the offering and slowly finished the grape, kissing the tips of Yuuri’s fingers, relishing the intimate gesture. He smirked lovingly, his eyes clear and sweet “It’s good.” He noted, breaking eye contact from Yuuri as he returned to his bubbly demeanor. “Go eat your food, I have a bath ready for you.” He chirped, clapping away as he quickly skipped to the bathroom “Once you're done I'll be waiting in the bathroom!” Victor skipped into the steaming room. Makkachin following until he realize it was the bathroom, and proceeded to run away somewhere hidden in false assumption that it was time for his bath time.

Breakfast was flavorful and filling, Yuuri was unexpectedly hungry, normally it took him a while to form an appetite in the morning. Next time, he hoped to return the favor when the opportunity rose. Quickly, he headed to the bathroom after he removed his briefs, using a towel censoring his privates as he approached his newly prepared bath; they may be a couple, but Yuuri was still a bit bashful when it came to showing himself nude. He expected to see Victor undressed in the bathtub knowing his forward attitude, but was surprised to meet the sight of him still dressed in his underwear with a sponge in hand. Bubbles and soap were amidst the air, Victor grinned and patted the inner ridge of the bathtub “Go in, it's at the perfect temperature and I added Epsom salt to help your muscle pain, the bubbles are a fun addition I thought you might enjoy.”

Yuuri wasn't sure what to say but settled with slipping quietly in, the steaming water was pleasant over his skin, surrounding him and undoing the knots in his muscles. Fast relief sunk into his limbs and the hot rise of steam carried faint traces of lemon and roses, a combination of essential oils. As soon as Yuuri submerges himself chest deep into the bath, Victor got to massaging body wash over Yuuri’s back with his sponge, spreading the soap over his skin. Victor’s touch remained gradual and light as he began to transition his scrubbing to Yuuri’s arms, lifting them just above the water as he worked. 

After the lathered foam on his arms was washed out, Victor hummed happily as he began to work shampoo into Yuuri’s thick hair. “Victor… Why are you doing this?” He asked, wanting to know the purpose of spoiling him so much, he trusted it was out of good intentions, but he was curious as to why. Having Victor Nikiforov as the man he loved was a wish he had carried for so long, being treated so tenderly by him filled his heart with with delight. 

Victor began to rub in the shampoo around the lower back of Yuuri's head, he enjoyed the thick locks of hair Yuuri had “I've had sex before, with women and men. I pursued them in various ways… But this service is meant for only you, and today is filled with things I've never done for anyone else.” He answered, grabbing the showerhead to drain out the shampoo in Yuuri’s hair “... Is it too much?” His smile shortened in concern, his thumb rubbed over the back of Yuuri’s neck, perhaps he went a little too far.

Yuuri shook his head “No, it's… nice… Really nice. I'm enjoying myself.” Being spoiled wasn't a common occurrence in Yuuri’s life so if anything, he felt a little surprised by Victor’s romantic gestures. It wasn't a bad thing though, Yuuri just needed some time to tame the fluttering in his chest and the urge to kiss him. “What do you have planned next?” He asked with an open smile.

Victor placed his forefinger over his lip and whispered “It's a secret. You’ll see.” Even off stage, Victor loved surprising others, and wanted to surprise Yuuri with joy. Victor removed himself to begin working over Yuuri’s legs, massaging into the curve of feet, he enjoyed the sigh of content that left Yuuri “We’ll take Makka out for his walk and drop him in my yard, and then we’ll drive to a special place.” He winked and switched to Yuuri’s other foot.

“Alright.” Yuuri wasn't sure what sort of plans Victor had in mind, he hoped it wasn't like anything his mind jumped to. “I’ll be in your care then.” He closed his eyes as he let Victor loosen and massage his foot, undoing some of the tension from constant use. He was looking forward for what Victor had planned.

* * *

Makkachin was taken out for his walk and was fed before Victor dropped him off back to his mansion’s yard where he had a personalized water fountain to drink from, a wide array of dog premium toys, a food disposer for canines, and a house sized doghouse with air conditioning and heating that was personalized to prevent possible kidnappers from taking Makkachin. The poodle would survive without them for a good day, living with Victor for most of his life, Makkachin was used to Victor’s absence from his busy figure skating lifestyle and wasn't too bothered by being left to his own devices. Makkachin still whined a little when he realized he wasn't coming with them on a road trip, he had grown happily attached to the two of them.

Victor insisted on driving Yuuri in his new Cadillac, explaining that they were headed to the opposite side of Remissio. Despite living in Remissio for several years, much of the buildings were unfamiliar to Yuuri, he never really had an excuse to travel much. 

The outside was brightly temperate, winds were mild, and the streets were mostly clear of other drivers, likely due to the early hour. Victor lowered the volume of the radio when the passing buildings transitioned to trees “We’re going to the Botanical Gardens.” Victor answered to Yuuri’s unanswered question from before “Remissio is famous for its luxurious gardens and plant life… it's one of my favorite spots in the city.” He took a smooth right down a lone street, trees covering the perimeter as they led to a large scenery of trimmed bushes and glass fountains, reminding Yuuri of the fairytales he used to read as a child.

Reaching the entrance, traces of flowers were in the air, all mild and mixed together with the earthy fragrances of the rich soil and trees. The black fences met at the center of the entrance, spelling the name  _ Florian Gardens  _ in cursive just above the opened doors. 

Victor took Yuuri by the hand and guided him through the park, passing by a lake lined with pebbles and water hyacinths, marbled fountains with submerged coins that glittered under the sunlight, and a large field of white tulips.

“Normally it’s closed on Saturdays for cleaning, but I managed to get the owner to give us access for the day, he's an old friend of my father.” He explained, following the grassy path, passing several turns before he finally took a left when the roses they had been passing by had been replaced with pastel pink ones. The air reminded Yuuri of rose water he fondly used in the making of specialized sweets, his favorites were introducing rosewater to macaroons, lemonade, whipped cream, and allowing certain cakes to be sprayed with it. Yuuri made a note to make his favorite rose water confections for Victor someday, it’d be nice to see him smile from something he made. Even though his life had been renewed for a better path with promise, baking was still a large part of his life, it was the thing that started his meeting with Victor. 

Their path passed through a gazebo entrance way, decorated by lantern wisterias that crossed partly into a large pond “I wanna take you somewhere that’s private… I have something to tell you.” The smile Victor carried told of something secretive and happy, like he carried the cure for unhappiness; his special secret he was going to reveal very soon. 

Yuuri’s fingers tightened around Victor’s grip, staring at his solid back while thinking that if he could, he’d like this carefree moment to last forever. But then it wouldn't be a moment anymore. This sort of love he had was precious and rare “What’s there to tell? I already know you love me, and I to you… maybe more.” He snickered lightly. “Do you have a surprise to tell me?” 

“We’ll see.” Victor replied, halting his smooth stride to the end of the gazebo. The platform was still roofed by pale purple wisteria that rocked with the wind, ending with the edge of water. The surface of the clear pond reflected the sunlight and sparked gold in the hidden view. Victor turned to face Yuuri with an unsure gaze staring down where their fingers fit perfectly together, he took a slow breath “Do you like this place? I immediately thought that you’d enjoy this place since I heard that in Japan, Wisterias grow everywhere."

“This place kind of reminds me of home with how tranquil and quiet everything is, it’s beautiful.” Yuuri responded , approaching the edge of the railing to get a closer look to the water catching glimpses of fish, pulling Victor along with him. Yuuri watched the ripples in the water “One day I’ll take you to my home and show the wisteria there.” he let go of Victor to face him, leaning on the metal and stretching his left arm out towards Victor, asking for his hand “Thank you for this.”

Victor instinctively accepted his grasp, surprised to see Yuuri take out a polished gold ring with his other hand, slipping it right over his ring finger, fitting perfectly “I know you wanted to spoil me today, but I don’t think I can wait any longer after you brought me to a place like this.” he confessed, still holding his hand in his, where they fit warmly together “I’d like to marry you, and introduce you to my family.” his heart was drumming along, his body tingling in the possibility of Victor declining his proposal, but couldn’t tear himself from watching Victor “Sorry, it was such a good opportunity to ask, I couldn't help myself.” He apologized, not sounding regretful at all.

“You’re not playing fair, Yuuri.” Victor laughed, overflowing with happiness in his smile and soft eyes “I wanted to ask you first.” He grinned, kissing his ring sweetly “Of course I’m going to say yes you fool.” He took out the ring he specifically purchased for Yuuri from the pocket of his jacket, returning the favor of fitting the ring over Yuuri’s left hand. One of the things Victor loved about Yuuri were his hands, how they were strong but well controlled to be gentle, almost too gentle with everything despite their large size. He was dangerous that way, a gentle soul with a strong heart. These were hands of a loving soul that endured hardships, the hands that Victor had the privilege to hold and love “I'll get you back for this.” He promised playfully, leaning into the nape of Yuuri’s warm neck

Yuuri wrapped his arms over Victor’s waist, dipping his nose into his hair “I look forward to it.”

* * *

The next few hours were spent wandering through the rest of the garden, admiring the squares of flowerbeds and coloured trees, having lunch in the tulip fields when Victor started to get hungry, and taking a final stroll through the butterfly conservatory. The butterfly conservatory was filled with a wide array of thick trees that bloomed flowers. Upon walking in, many of the butterflies hoarded around Yuuri as he walked through, some even resting on his hair and back. No matter how brisk Yuuri walked, the butterflies cling and fluttered nearer around him, Victor joked it was because Yuuri was a baker that the butterflies found him so sweet. Resisting the urge to kiss him was impossible with how the wings of the butterflies glistened with colour, Yuuri resembled that of a jewel that was hidden away until now. A picture was taken of Yuuri, a memento to remind Victor of this blessed day.

Before leaving the conservatory, they had to make sure the butterflies didn’t come with them, they were too delicate for the outside world where survival would be difficult. Leaving was a bit disheartening, it meant that the day was over and it was time to return home. 

The sunset was a pleasant peach when they departed for him, dying  the surrounding sky and clouds with cotton pink and lavender violet, a nice last memory before Victor stopped by in the parking space of his mansion. Victor’s mouth was plain in the instance he parked his car to face Yuuri, his eyes were calm, and his mouth a simple serious line “Do you still want to continue with tonight…?” He referred to the evening activities he had planned, optional for Yuuri to partake “It’s more than okay with me if you don't want to.”

Yuuri shook his head “No, I want to... Before I was nervous, but I'm really glad I got the courage to finally ask you to marry me...” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously “I’ve wanted this for a while, Victor… and I'm more than sure that I want you. So unless you've changed your mind, I want this.”

Such straightforward words sent Victor’s heart racing, inducing a sudden flush of bashfulness in his face “I've prepared the materials we’ll need a while ago, we can take our time tonight.” Victor explained, unlocking the doors of the car so they could enter the house through the spacious garage. After Victor and Yuuri gathered up their belongings from the car and placed them on the counter for later, they both headed to Victor’s room. Normally the air of Victor’s house was relatively cool and clean that lacked colour, but now, the house was refurbished with warmer tones. The walls that were once a pale blue were dusty pink, furniture that was once plain white squares were velvet lined with oak, and the simple flowers in each room were replaced with peonies decorated with purple ribbons. 

As they drew near Victor’s room, neither said a word to each other to conserve for when they reached the room. The once plain walls were painted over with a raspberry red, the bed was white and lined with gold through the middle of the duvet. The large square table had a collection of set of tools meant to aid copulation between them.

Yuuri scanned the items that were carefully organized. A package of various lubes, anal beads, prostate massagers, enemas, condoms, and ointment for anal fissures. Yuuri took a step back and had to look away, his face was already burning he covered his mouth in astonishment. “You weren't kidding when you said you prepared everything.” Yuuri approached the table to pick up a small thin box, reading the label  _ Enema  _ before quickly placing it back on the table and sit on Victor’s bed. His ears burned further into his neck “Are we using them all?”

Victor joined Yuuri by the side of the bed “Not if you don't want to, I wasn't sure what you would like. I'm open to anything really, but I know not everyone feels the same. Sex between men can be tricky if you're not thorough with the steps.” He explained, about to further go into detail until Makkachin bolted inside the room, thinking that it was time to cuddle, jumping up on the bed and rub his face into the sheets, excited to join them for bed. 

Victor whistled for his attention and looked straight into his dog’s eyes and said with utmost seriousness “Yuuri and I will have sex tonight.”

A choke almost escaped Yuuri.

Makkachin quickly jumped out of the room with equal vigor when he arrived, as if he understood Victor’s words and intentions. Victor quietly closed the door and locked it “Makka won’t bother us now that he’s out of the room.” He looked to the table Yuuri had earlier investigated “Shall we start?” he asked, gesturing for the table and giving a reassuringly smiling at Yuuri.

“Yes…” Yuuri trailed, finding Victor’s question a bit humorous “This almost sounds like a lesson for sex ed.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Victor agreed, picking up the package Yuuri had earlier examined “Let’s both wash up in the shower and I’ll teach you how to use an enema.” 

Going through the steps helped Yuuri process for what was to come, hitting him with the reality that this was truly happening. It helped that Victor went through the same steps to demonstrate how to properly clean himself with an enema. Watching Victor clean himself out was relatively simple and straightforward, but doing it felt different; It wasn’t painful, but it was uncomfortable and strange to use and enema outside of hospital use. Victor took the liberty to explain that the purpose was to maintain cleanliness and the person’s health before sex.

Cleaning himself down there was relatively quick compared to the rest of their session in the bath.The tub was a carved piece of marble, smooth and spacious for the both of them to enjoy the temperate waters together. The bathing process was very gentle and tender, conversation revolved around their favorite sweets which led to a heartfelt talk about Victor’s family and how he wanted to reconcile with his cousin Yuri. Overall, the experience of sharing a bath offered Yuuri a chance to get used to Victor’s nudity to remove the awkwardness beforehand, he also enjoyed admiring the shaped muscles of Victor’s anatomy, almost like he was a carved statue of marble.

When the water became lukewarm, both of them dried themselves down before heading back to the bedroom, where Victor opened the window for cool air as he lit up a few lavender candles he set by the table, he turned the knob of his light switch to lower the shading to a warm balmy light.

Victor sat with his leg crossed on the bed, Yuuri positioned himself across Victor in the traditional obi style where his legs were folded underneath his thighs with his hands resting over his lap. Between them stood a set of flavored lubes. Victor spoke first “I wasn’t sure what flavour you liked so I got them all, strawberry, pineapple, blueberry, and raspberry.” he pointed to each bottle to their designated flavours “They’re water based, petrochemical-free, glycerin-free and paraben-free. Easy to clean up too.”

Yuuri pushed the blueberry flavour upwards as his choice, swallowing down his nerves “How do we do this?” he shifted his feet to keep the numbness away from his feet, keeping his eyes locked on the bottled lube to avoid scanning the distracting expanse of Victor’s muscled body.

The Russian splayed his fingers down his chest “Touch me. Anywhere for the purpose of foreplay... You have my consent.” Victor replied, trailing his fingers over his lip, tracing his jaw and sliding down the crook of his neck before the rest of his fingers fluttered over his flawless skin. As he glided over his pinkened nipple, his breath quickened for that second when he pinched the softer skin, his other hand reaching to lift Yuuri’s head to face him “I want you to touch me.” his smooth voice was quiet and tremulous, not quite a whisper “I'm inviting you.” His words were gentle but were heavy in connotations.

The soft invitation and suggestion in Victor’s words was the encouragement and permission Yuuri needed to finally reach out to touch and slide his fingers up and down Victor’s silky thigh, familiarizing himself with his skin as he trailed carefully over the cooler surface. His other hand massaged the side of Victor’s chest, gently caressing the skin over his waist “Is that good?” He asked, waiting to see if he should continue or change his actions to please Victor.

A slow hum of approval left Victor in the form of a gentle sigh “You’re doing well.” he close his eyes, his silvered lashes glowed under the low lighting “Don’t be afraid to be a bit harder, I’m not a delicate maiden, I won't hold back from letting you know my discomfort.” he added, though any touch from Yuuri was good, kind, and loving. Victor highly doubted Yuuri would cross a line in sex, all that mattered was that they were doing this together in a safe and accepting space.

Yuuri increased the pressure, to further massage into the tendon as he crawled closer to Victor in hopes of getting a closer look, his thumb circled just above his nipple “I know, I just...I really want to take care of you since this is the first time I’m seeing you like this.” He slid a tongue out to stroke over the soft flesh, tasting the faint salt of skin before pressing a chaste kiss and pulling away “Cherishing you is important to me.” he revealed in a thick and serious voice.

A fruity laugh escaped Victor, light and deeply in love “You steal my words from me again!” he shifted himself to lay on the sides of his legs for the purpose of leaning closer to Yuuri's warm body, trickling his  arm over his shoulder and down his back. Laying over Yuuri was pleasant to his colder body, Victor always had colder body temperature ever since he was young, being near Yuuri never failed to warm him  “Just being with you like this makes me feel loved, it makes me want to be stronger for myself.” he breathed into Yuuri’s neck, memorizing his sugared scent to keep himself from sinking“Show me that I’m not the only who feels like this.” he delved deeper into Yuuri’s neck to feel his pulse, and to feather light kisses along his shoulder. 

“I will.” Yuuri promised, relief found itself in his heart and courage surged forward in his limbs, steadying his heart just enough to stop the shaking of his hands. He guided Victor’s head up so he could properly look into his blue eyes, lightly pressing his lips in the corner of Victor’s smile before focusing on the task of deepening the kiss through slow waves of lips and curious tongue. Victor’s hair was silky between his gentle fingers, slivers of the fig body soap they used in the shower permeated Yuuri’s senses. Yuuri’s heart to race as he explored Victor’s loins with his clumsy fingers, smoothing over his pointed shoulder blades while following the path down his back, stopping before he could familiarize himself with more intimate parts of Victor’s backside and settled with holding him close.

Victor and Yuuri exchanged fervent brushes of lips, this time their tongues familiarized with each other’s taste sparingly as they had plenty of time; Yuuri carried a citrus sweetness from the lemonade he had in the car, and Victor’s flavour was refreshingly minty from brushing in the bathroom. Their tongues lost any hesitation once Victor straddled over Yuuri, pulling him closer to nip at Yuuri’s bottom lip before sucking on it. Both matched in eagerness to explore each other, Yuuri’s hands drifted lower to Victor’s firm cheeks, pulling and kneading them with the occasional graze near the crevice. The close pressing of bodies made both of them hyper aware of their groins growing sensitive to rubbing, hardening with every thrust of tongue.

“Do you want to be the one inside me?” Victor asked in his breathless voice, pulling away to rest his forehead over Yuuri’s to keep his eyes intimately open for him “I don’t mind either way.” he locked his legs over Yuuri’s back to intimately emphasize his point, sighing from the momentary pleasure by the sudden pressure “I need you to be with me.”

Yuuri’s lips were reddened and damp, he was slightly dazed but still there in the heat of the moment “Teach me when we get there.” he replied, breath soaring the more urgently Victor rubbed his front over his, taunting his sensitive flesh that was beginning to throb with need. The pleasure was building between them, the need for stimulation to finally undo their stretched restraint, but both held on, understanding that their patience would pay off the longer it took to reach the end of foreplay. With every action and exchange of eyes, they worked to discover the spots they liked. Yuuri enjoyed it when Victor ran his nails over his back and nipples, and Victor shivered when Yuuri’s fingers dipped between the beginning of his cheeks.

It was when both ran out of breath that they mutually agreed the next step was to come. The lube was introduced with a stack of luxury grade condoms. Victor took over the situation by spreading himself in front of Yuuri, encouraging that he does the same “Stretching is mandatory if we want to go through with this.”

Yuuri resisted from looking away, reminding himself that had seen Victor’s nude form in the shower, it was just a little different now that the atmosphere was heavy with sexual tension “I trust you,” Yuuri breathed, finding the excitement in his body simmer and tease him for what was next, he committee to withholding the urge to express the heat that was blooming in his lower gut as it spread fire in his blood. The presence of anxiety, however, was returning in the form of pressure.

“As I trust you.” Victor replied, picking up one pack of the new condoms he had purchased “We’re both clean, but how do you want this?” he asked, uncapping the lube bottle to pour out a dollop of clear gel, his eyes traced the shape of Yuuri’s how their legs were both open, slightly bent and intertwined “There’s nothing wrong with using a condom to keep yourself safe.”

Yuuri took the condom from Victor and placed it aside and squeezed lube over his own fingers, rolling it in his fingers as it warmed “How do I prepare?” he gave his answer, the condom was unnecessary since they were both clean. Yuuri wanted to feel Victor without any more reservations. They had nothing to hide anymore.

Victor inched closer, offering a coy smile before he nudged finger into Yuuri slowly, while his other hand guided Yuuri’s fingers to himself, encouraging his fingers to prod the entrance, slipping in just at the tip. Carefully, he assured Yuuri with his eyes, promising him that he'd take time and care regarding his body.

A sharp gasp escaped Yuuri as the cold stimulation surprised him, red flooded from his chest all the way up to his cheeks, only for it pour back into his pulsating erection “Both?” he inquired, his chest heaves as a sudden rush of adrenaline filled his lungs. Instinctively he wanted to pull his arm away from the more private part of Victor from the sudden escalation of intimacy, the heat of Victor’s pucker was pulsating and tight.

Victor’s hand pressed Yuuri’s finger deeper into himself “People learn best with hands on experience.” He hushed, the tips of his finger circled around the edges of malleable skin “Relax a bit,” he instructed, letting go of Yuuri’s wrist “Remember, if it’s too much, we can stop.” he reminded softly, gently brushing over Yuuri’s thigh with his spare hand to offer a comforting sensation in addition to an unusual one. Once Yuuri nodded in understanding, watching Victor slowly slid in the rest of his finger, the smooth texture of the lube allowed the penetration to be smooth, he watched Yuuri’s face for any sign of panic or discomfort. The muscles around his fingers were hot and surprisingly loose “How does it feel?

Yuuri’s finger sunk in until the end of his knuckle, he squeezed around Victor’s finger, it was obvious his body was unused to having something inserted but... “It’s not bad, a little odd and uncomfortable, but I think that’s normal for the first time doing this.” His finger pressed slightly into the muscle to get a feel of the firm walls. A shaky breath was taken when Victor pressed further in “Since it’s you, I want this….” he began to mimic Victor’s slow drawl of enticing circles, slightly more aggressive to see the hitch in Victor’s breathing “So keep going.” He challenged with the purr in his tone as his mind went slightly fuzzy from the spike of adrenaline.

Wordlessly, Victor continued his ministrations, his face took on a pretty pink as he curled his finger and pressed upwards in Yuuri. He searched for something around the area, halting over a round protrusion roughly the size of a quarter “There’s a place around here that stimulates the prostate, ” he began, slowly circling with gentle pressure as he kept eyeing Yuuri’s expression and growing shaft.

Yuuri shuddered from the new sensation of pleasure, groaning when Victor increased the pressure, heat and tightness increased in his body, making breathing ragged and uneven. The surface of his skin tingled, and he became aware of the sheets below him when he closed his eyes. Everything was increasingly becoming tighter and hotter, even touching the skin of his stomach worked to create tingles towards his erection. It was only when Victor stopped him from touching himself that he snapped his eyes open in frustration.

“I don’t think it’s particularly courteous of you to leave me without returning the favor.” Victor  lightly chided with a smirk, tilting his hips inward to get his own throbbing flesh rub against Yuuri “This is a lesson Yuuri, show me you’re learning.” he paused the press of his finger, drawing out slowly, threatening to leave him as it neared the edge.

Quickly, Yuuri did his best to recall and imitate Victor’s actions, curling his finger and prodding the muscle in search of the prostate as he panicked at the idea of Victor’s finger leaving. Finding the prostate was a journey, but once his finger rubbed into it by accident, a sharp gasp escaped Victor, his sex began dripping what looked to be the beginnings of  desire “Is that good enough?” Yuuri asked, wetting his lips to satiate the dryness in his throat as he watched Victor squirm with every new contraction Yuuri managed to produce with his fingers.

Victor’s breathing became sharp “Very good, Yuuri.” The pressure and rhythm of his touch increased to match Yuuri, drawing out a light moan from the depths of his body before it hitched higher when Victor decided to glide a finger down his front with a feathered touch “I think I should be the one asking if it's good for you.” his hand rest just over Yuuri, unmoving, but still there to taunt his sex.

“If I had a certain itch scratched I’d be perfect.” Yuuri jabbed with a grin before his voice was swallowed by a hiss when Victor lubed a second finger to add in his forefinger. It was tighter and pain began to pinch around the skin.

The second finger was another tight stretch “Relaxing your muscles is key,” Victor informed encouragingly, his face dropping when he noticed the strain in Yuuri’s expression, he quickly pulled out “Don’t push yourself for my sake, I don't want you to hurt.”

“I’m fine.” Yuuri insisted, face heating up even more from the loss of touch “I can take it.” Frustration began to form in his throat as the pain spread. What was wrong with him? He could do this, why wasn't this working? “I’m good enough to do this… I can do this, Vic-” he was silenced by Victor’s finger sliding over Yuuri’s lips.

Victor’s eyes were deep blue under the shaded light, his lashes framed them with cool silver. He was warm and patient “You can do this.” He agreed “Which is why we don’t need to rush you.”  his hand slid under Yuuri’s throat down to the left side of his chest, right where his heart was beating for Victor “I’ve already prepared myself earlier in the day.” He admitted, gently pushing Yuuri on his back to straddle over him, Yuuri’s finger slipped out of his loosened hole “Will you indulge me for tonight?” his fingers slid down his body, following a straightforward trail to his own needy self “I’d like to request you to have me.” 

Seeing Victor giving him a heated look while pressed against him made his rationality and words submit to his body’s growing desire for more, surprisingly easing off his shaking anxiety “Please do so.” Yuuri said, his body throbbed for the stimulation Victor was promising with how tightly pressed he was against his tingling body, distracting him far from the fear of disappointing Victor. He shifted to sit up from his elbows, he pushed his glasses up back to the beginning of his nose when Victor stood from his knees above him, slipping in a finger inside himself “What did you mean by prepare?” he asked in a daze as he watched Victor begin to insert more dollops of cold lube, some of it dripping over Yuuri’s hot member.

A feeling of smugness arrived over Victor’s face, his eyes dimmed in delight to Yuuri’s curious inquiry “That is a very good question… This morning I took the liberty of slipping something inside to keep myself loose for the evening.” The lube was brought into play once again, serving the purpose of further ensuring a smoother entry,  some lube dripped down Yuuri’s erect phallus “Just in case.”

Yuuri’s breath was nearly caught from the sight of Victor groaning and biting his lip as he rolled his his hips to heighten the limited stimulation he was receiving. Yuuri couldn’t help himself leaning over Victor’s abdomen, their height difference made it possible for him to have a close look of his toned body. Yuuri dragged his fingers across the smooth skin of Victor’s pelvic bone, admiring the way the skin did not yield to his touch, he felt smug when he saw Victor twitch in response. Lips were wetted, and he kissed Victor’s stomach, his teeth grazing over the skin, enjoying the mild reddened trail before he pulled his lips over the same spot to suck tightly, releasing the skin once he was satisfied with the rosy mark he left.

Victor’s colder fingers guided the tip over his cheeks, looking to Yuuri expectantly “Are you ready?” he asked, not teasingly, but with patient sincerity. 

Yuuri answered by slowly pressing inwards “I am.” he reached upwards to trace his finger up the curve of Victor’s back, savoring every patch of smoothened skin he had the luxury of stroking, he guided Victor to lean close to him.  “I love you, Victor.” he sighed contently, right over Victor’s lips before he gave an open mouthed kiss, softly drawing out Victor’s breath to mingle with. The initial entry was smooth and Yuuri was surrounded by soft heat, his hands explored and rubbed Victor’s sides in wordless comfort, wanting to remember every sensation he was feeling. The mix of their scents with lavender, the shared warmth and closeness, and the floating sensation of being young and in love made this moment a jewel to be carried until the end. 

“Yuuri...” Victor moaned into the kiss as his body sunk with Yuuri, enjoying the salacious tingling he was feeling in the core of his body, taking over his nerves when Yuuri worked to relax him through the strokes of tongue and closeness of their heartbeats. It wasn’t long until his muscles contracted and relaxed under Yuuri’s company, he was growing restless, and buckled his hips to satisfy his hardened cock’s need for attention and to ease the ache in the depths of his body. Arms wrapped around Yuuri to keep him close and continue their endless exchange of heated lips “I need you.” he gasped between them.

Yuuri tried tried his best to restrain himself from thrusting too quickly without permission “Do you want me to go faster?” he asked carefully, brushing away the loose hair around Victor’s face, rosy pink suited his fair skin perfectly.

Victor nodded quickly, palming himself to get the message across that he was more than fine “If… Im in pain I’ll tell you.” He promised, increasing the speed he lowered himself onto Yuuri, finding the muscles of his body contracting and pulling Yuuri in to the increased build up of the tingling pleasure that was forming in his body.

Sweat beaded over their bodies, Yuuri thrusted upwards to continue stimulating over Victor’s prostate. Victor bucked back uncontrollably, happily moaning and smiling at Yuuri’s assertive advances, holding tightly to his hand to keep himself grounded. “You look so lovely, Yuuri… Are you feeling good?” Victor chuckled lightly with his gasps, fingertips touched the side of Yuuri’s face, still cold to the touch, a nice contrast to the burning heat his body was feeling.

Yuuri felt his body reaching the end of its limit, his restraint snapping little by little in control and regularity, he couldn't help but take Victor’s hand up to his lips, gliding his tongue over the ring before kissing it softly “You're amazing.” He moaned, slowly gripping Victor’s muscled hips to aid him in the pace of colliding skin. Every thrust grew in languid passion and tenderness, becoming harder to control his strangled moans the more their scents mixed and the nearing the end of his ability to hold himself back. 

It was almost scary with the growing volume of their activity, how it made him lose much of his inhibitions and aroused his desires to the point of breaking his rationality. Having Victor with him now was still difficult to believe with how bad his luck had been up until recently. Just one year ago he had no hope to lead a life of satisfaction and happiness, but then Victor arrived and unintentionally helped him face his shame. Victor had bursted in his life like a splash of colour in a monochromatic world, it scared him at first, but he soon became dependent on the hope he saw in himself.

Uncontrolled thrusts finally took over when his body couldn't take any more heavy waves of pleasure, breaking the gates of his self control. Yuuri strained out the words “Victor…Victor, I… I think I'm going to cum.” He cried, pulling Victor harder down his pulsating cock.

“Do it.” Victor pleaded, head hung low in the waves of sensations he collected in his body, defenseless to being consumed by him “Touch… Touch me, Yuuri.” He finally said through gritted teeth, touching his swelled sex.

Yuuri looked down at Victor’s engorged flesh, eyeing the rivulets of precum dripping down from the flushed head. Admiring Victor’s form would be placed aside for another time, right now they both needed to cum, and Yuuri was determined they experience it together. Fingers worked to spread the precum around the sensitive skin to lubricate the area before tentatively wrapping his fingers around the shaft and stroked steadily, his other hand massaged Victor’s sack.

A guttural moan left Victor with a whimper following afterwards, his heavy breathing sharpened and he fell deeper onto him, his eyes shut in lewd enjoyment “Good… That's… really good.” He praised, his muscles squeezed around Yuuri, increasing the flood of heat in both their nerves.

Finally, Yuuri could feel his orgasm begin to creep up and worked to rub the pad of his thumb alongside Victor’s corona, the ridge located where the head of his erection connected to the shaft, and twist his wrist movement. Being one for preparing, Yuuri was thankful he had done some research beforehand to provide Victor mutual levels of pleasure he was experiencing. Just before his vision blurred with white spots, he focused to drag himself over Victor’s prostate, effectively provoking Victor’s orgasm to burst in pulses when he plunged desperately in for the final time. Yuuri found his body finally release all the tension it built for the release it waited for. His thick seed was spilled into Victor’s tightened depths, unable to stifle his rough moans as he gripped the sheets in ecstasy.

Victor’s seed spilled over Yuuri’s abdomen in hot splashes, his panting was guttural and quiet. The pleasure drained from him with every drop that left his heaving body, leaving an overwhelming sense of spent fulfillment in his limbs. Victor stumbled a bit while trying to set down a towel to lay over, wanting to keep the mess to a minimum if they were to share the evening in slumber.

Even after his blood cooled, Yuuri’s body quickly shook off the initial fatigue, his strong stamina pulling him back together. Looking over Victor, he gently brushed his fingers over his neck, leaning to place a kiss below his ear “Are you okay?” he asked, squeezing his hand gently, hoping he hadn’t pushed him too far. Losing himself like that was a first, Yuuri hoped he hadn't hurt Victor in the process “I'll go clean you up if you want.”

With a smile, Victor nodded approvingly softly, letting Yuuri head to the bathroom. A minute later Yuuri came out with a small grey towel and clear bowl of steam water. Carefully, he dampened the towel before squeezing out the excess water as steam escaped. Yuuri attentively cleaned Victor’s stomach, cleaning the washcloth out before he extended to wiping down Victor’s legs in short strokes. They enjoyed the silence together, observing and admiring different parts of each other. Such tender treatment almost lulled Victor to sleep, it wasn't that hard to slip into his drowsiness, but he committed to remaining awake to have a few more moments with Yuuri. The night was still too young to end. The serious expression Yuuri carried was a reminder of his earnest nature, and his gentle hands were a vow to take care of him. This genuine love they had was strong and embracing, a promising bond that would remain alive and young for the years they had together.

Victor couldn’t help himself from tearing up, his vision slightly bleary from the thought of not having to face his troubles alone anymore. The wish he had from a young age had been granted; he wanted a person to share his life with, and Yuuri was the best person imaginable he could have had the privilege to meet and love “Thank you, Yuuri.” he said, reaching to hold the side of Yuuri’s hand.

Yuuri gave a closed smile, sincere and open. Softly, he cleaned Victor’s neck, tracing down to the collarbone “Do you want anything, Victor?” he asked, setting aside the towel after he finished wiping Victor clean.

“You… But I’m not against some warm milk tea.” Victor answered, stretching into the bed, he could use something hot to drink and share with Yuuri “A bath would be nice though.”

Slickened hair was brushed over Yuuri’s head, damp from sweat, he offered Victor his hand “I’ll make some for us after we clean the rest of you, promise.” he gestured for the bathroom opening, bright with the faint sound of the hot water tap running “I’d like to return the favor from this morning… If you’ll let me of course.” Yuuri wasn't used to receiving so much love and patience from someone, but he found his heart growing under it all. Being a coward was shameful, and Victor helped him realized Yuuri deserved to live out a better life with the support of his loved ones, that he was deserving of love just as Victor was. The future was a little scary to think about, but Yuuri had faith he could live through it with Victor’s support. He was ready to grow up.

Young at heart, Victor nearly jumped at Yuuri’s offer. “Sounds fair.” He chuckled quietly, his heart resonated in the private space of his dimly lit room, the lavender candles were long burned out, leaving traces of sweat and sweet flowers in the air. This discrete moment was theirs to remember, he had someone to share his life with now. There was nothing left to do but to live out his life with his newfound desire to go through the rest of growing old together. Wherever Yuuri was headed, Victor would be there to support him in the short time they had in this life, cherishing every second he had the gift of spending with him. No matter what was in their future, Victor had nothing to be afraid of anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a note for you guys to know, I added some symbolism:
> 
> White tulips: forgiveness  
> Red roses: I love you  
> Pink; grace and elegance, sweetness and poetic romance  
> Wisteria: Expressing your affections after meeting someone special for the first time  
> Serious devotion, whether it’s to a cause or another person  
> Peonies: Embody romance and prosperity and are regarded as an omen of good fortune and a happy marriage.
> 
> Thank you for the supportive comments, and let me know if you enjoyed the chapter, it was my first time writing smut. I did a lot of research the past week about anal sex, and tried to keep it realistic to what the experience is like, but I am aware that I have likely made mistakes. Please do not hesitate to correct me if something feels off, I'll do my best to edit the fic accordingly. 
> 
> I admit, I was actually going to drop this fic on the first week of uploading chap 1, but I'm too stubborn to easily give up like that. But I don't think i would have made it this far without the dear friends I've made thanks to this fic.
> 
> Leave a comment, can be about the weather, what you think of this chapter/story, what you like/dislike, I truly wish to know what you guys think and feel about this fic. 
> 
> Maybe I'll see you guys around for the new series I have coming up for Victor and Yuuri, only time will tell. Until then, I bid you guys a good morning/afternoon/evening. Take care everyone.
> 
> Ps: I hope to find love like Yuuri and Victor… Sorry if they’re OOC, I may have projected my ideals on them when it comes to erotica… I’m a huge sentimentalist

**Author's Note:**

> My passion for this pairing is so unhealthy jfc. Thanks for reading! I hope to update this consistently! Comments are greatly appreciated.


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